


Acceptance

by GottaHaveAName



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M, Intersex, LGBTQ Themes, Light Romance, M/M, Other, non-binary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-03-26 03:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 51,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13848711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GottaHaveAName/pseuds/GottaHaveAName
Summary: Ensign Taversham has a secret that has prevented him from making lasting friendships other than a small group of people who share variations of his physical difference. Has he finally found friendship and acceptance on the Enterprise?Tagged as Picard/Crusher, but does not become Picard/Crusher until chapter 10.





	1. Arrival

###############

Darcy Kaelin Taversham breathed a sigh of relief when he saw his new orders. Being able to leave the USS Ajax was welcome news, but getting a position on the USS Enterprise was something he’d only dreamed of. Making it into Starfleet had been a trial, and any move upward from an unranked general crewmember on a supply ship was cause for celebration. Getting to serve on the flagship of the Federation was something to contact his “family” about.

He missed them. He’d been in his teens before he’d met anyone like him, and that was a day he’d never forget. You’re the only one. Stop asking if there are others. If there are others, you’re so rare you’ll never meet them. People will be afraid of you if you tell them you’re different: hide. Society isn’t ready to accept people who are different. Didn’t we eradicate this problem before WWIII? All of those things became lies when he finally met another person with a similar physical difference. He’d sat across the table from the man who a mutual acquaintance had introduced him to and cried. For the first time in his life, he wasn’t alone.

Darcy sat at his desk and began recording a message to his “brother”.

“Hi, Zach! The last few weeks have been a shit-fest, but man, when the good comes, it comes in buckets!” He took a deep breath. “Ok, so it’s gotten pretty bad here, and I’m transferring to a new ship. Zach, I got assigned to the Enterprise.” Darcy said it again, his voice shaking slightly. “I wasn’t sure I’d make it in Star Fleet, let alone the flagship. I just hope it’s not a mistake. I miss you guys so much. Maybe, on my next leave, we can meet somewhere? I really wish I could keep in touch with more of you, but I’m so grateful for you guys passing messages for me. Tell everyone I love them, and I’ll let you know how it goes when I get there.” He paused. “Love you, brother. Bye.”

People said that society had become a utopia, yet Darcy and his “family” found it to be far less than that. The harsh reality remained that if you were different, you were still discriminated against and left behind. Those before him had made significant strides, even gaining recognition with a global peace-keeping organization called the United Nations, which acknowledged the need for human rights for people like him, going so far as to list the “medical treatments” as human rights violations and torture. The following years had been filled with harsh backlash and hatred for daring to speak up, and then World War Three happened, global society collapsed, and they were once again relegated to the ranks of unknown/forgotten/ignored. Darcy had been in his twenties before he met anyone else like him, and that person had introduced him to an entire society of “them” who kept in touch via letters, tattered social media outlets, and calls. They all knew there were more of them than had been found, but they took great solace in knowing they weren’t alone, all while quietly looking for others, hoping to bring them into their community for protection, understanding, and aid.

Darcy had learned early that it was best to hide behind behavior patterns, specialized clothing, and continuing medical treatments he didn’t want but had been forced into in childhood. It all made life seem just too big some days, and he’d been having more and more of those “the world’s too big” days in these final weeks on the Ajax. Being on a starship demanded that he keep his contacts in his “family” to a few members, who then passed messages from others, yet he found himself reliving the trauma of being the “only one” again as he felt the isolation more keenly as the days passed.

After months of carefully preserving his secret, his roommate walked in on him in the shower.

Instead of letting Darcy alone, the shocked young man had told confided in his friend about his nervousness at having a “strange” roommate, who told someone else, which had started a waterfall of rumor, suspicion, fear, anger, and hate. It began with whispers that would quiet when he entered the room, but ended with someone openly referring to him as “it” and loudly proclaiming Darcy deformed, defective, and a “thing”, instead of the human he was. The fact that he’d have been accepted without question if he was from another race never crossed anyone’s mind… except Darcy’s. When he began showing up for his shifts with noticeable bruising, limping, and one time with a black eye, his section chief sat him down and offered him an array of potential transfers.

“You’re a good worker, Ensign Taversham. I hate to see you go, but I’m not keen on seeing this mistreatment continue, either.”

“Why not stop it, then?” Darcy’s face fell as he realized he’d not managed to hide the abuse as well as he thought.

“I’ve tried.” The woman sighed. “There are so many people on report right now that the Captain has actually requested that you transfer before there’s a formal investigation into this misconduct.”

“I’ll sign it. You just get me somewhere.” He signed the PADD requesting a transfer and started to leave her office.

“You have vacation time accrued, so if you want to be relieved from duty…”

“No.” His voice shook, even as he stood taller. “They can’t make me quit.”

Darcy’s “crime”? He was intersex, more specifically a chimera, or a person with two or more genetic strains. For him, one embryo had been xx, and the other xy, giving him the genetic base of 46xx/46xy. He’d tried to explain to others that his genetics weren’t xxxy, as that was one person with all four chromosomes in each cell of their body, but few seemed interested in listening. He was just a freak show to far too many.

No one wanted to hear that intersex people weren’t any rarer than twins. Nor did anyone want to hear that human genetics contained far more than xx or xy. Those with “genetic variations” were said to be deformed, short-lived, sickly, and insane. Far too few realized that humanity was comprised of a rainbow, with 1.7% of the population not fitting the boy/girl binary that was still so tightly clung to. He knew that statistically, there were others like him on the ship. The problem was, it wasn’t safe to ask.

He was glad to be moving on.

#####

“See ya around, Freak.”

Darcy nervously stood on the transporter pad with all of his possessions, hoping that the person wouldn’t cut the stream before he was safely on the Enterprise. Considering she’d been laughing loudly about him the day before, saying he was the reason airlocks existed, he wasn’t fully confident in her work.

He sagged in relief for a moment once he was fully restored aboard the Enterprise.

“Welcome, Ensign Taversham.” A tall, smiling man with a beard spoke, while a shorter woman with nearly-black eyes stared at him with sympathy. He didn’t know what she already knew about him, but he wasn’t about to ask, either. Hopefully she’d not take any rumors seriously. “I’m Commander Riker, and this is Councilor Troi. She does a quick intake with all of our new crew, and will also help settle you into your quarters. I’m sorry I’m not able to take you on a tour myself.” He turned to the woman. “Deanna.”

“See you later, Will.” She pasted a pleasant smile on her face and turned back to Darcy. “Let’s get you settled into your quarters first, shall we?”

Darcy shouldered his smaller bags and lifted his chest by the handle on the end. He started to pull them bumpily from the pad to follow Troi, missing O’Brien’s look of confusion.

“Councilor?” The transporter operator spoke finally. “Should I transport Ensign Taversham’s belongings to his quarters so he doesn’t have to carry them?”

“Yes, please.” She nodded to Darcy who nervously put them back on the pad. He hoped they weren’t setting him up for some prank. “Don’t worry, Ensign. Chief Petty Officer O’Brien hasn’t lost anyone’s luggage yet."

“I-I wasn’t worried.” Darcy blushed and fairly raced out of the door, realizing too late that he had no idea where he was going.

“I talked to Rankin, who’s also stationed on the Ajax, and she said he’d been having a hard time, Councilor, but he’s like a scared rabbit. Something about him not fitting in.”

“I trust, Mr. O’Brien, that you will not permit rumor and speculation to dictate how you interact with our new crew-member?”

“No, ma’am.” She nodded sternly at him before going after her panicking charge.

“I’m so sorry.” Darcy stammered as he looked down. “I should have waited for you. Um, I can find my way to my quarters.”

“No need.” Deanna reached out and touched his arm gently. She frowned in worry when he flinched slightly. “Let’s go see your quarters, and then I’ll show you to Ten Forward, which is our lounge area. It’s a combination of restaurant and bar.”

“Ok, but I tend to stick to myself. It’s easier that way.” Deanna could feel regret rolling from him seconds after his last sentence.

“Oh? Why is that?”

“Um… I just like to be alone.”

“I’m not sure I believe that, but I will accept that you need to get to know the crew in your own way.”

“Yeah.” Darcy nodded, wishing she’d get off of the subject.

“Your quarters are on Deck 38, and we’ll need to get you into the holodeck rotation. Everyone needs the chance to relax.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Here we are.” Deanna thought about leaving him, but decided against it, as he may take her departure personally, instead of her trying to help him ease into the move. “Ensign Marstairs transferred off last week, and Ensign B’Lyana is on paternity leave for another three months.” There was no missing the wave of relief she felt at the news he was by himself.

“I’m sensing that you’re far more relieved at having your own quarters, even temporarily, than one would expect.” She tilted her head, charging into mental healthcare professional territory in a flash. “Did something happen on your last ship that we should know about?”

“No.” His face tinged red as he shook his head, unable to meet her eyes. “I, um, I’m just looking forward to time alone.”

“That’s fine.” At some point, she’d have to tell him she was an empath, but she was afraid he’d close down any emotion if he knew. Something had happened, but nothing was in his official record. That meant it was something that affected him but he wasn’t a participant of. Perhaps she needed to call his former councilor and talk to her if Taversham wouldn’t come to her later.

“Now, let me take you to Ten Forward, where you can get some dinner. I think you’d rather talk to me tomorrow, maybe?” Darcy nodded. “Good. Let me show you the way, and then you can have your afternoon and evening.”

“Thank you.”

####

“Welcome to Ten Forward.” Guinan smiled at Darcy. “We don’t often get transfers in the middle of a mission. It’s always interesting to see people who come in at different times from everyone else.”

“I didn’t realize my rotation was off-schedule.” Darcy felt his face flaming again and hated himself for it. “I guess they were desperate to get rid of me or something.”

“I doubt that.” Guinan kept her smile firmly in place while looking toward Deanna. “I find people often show up when they’re needed.”

“Well, since you two have hit it off, I think I’ll be on my way. I need to check in with the bridge, as I believe the away team has already departed on their search for the Captain and Wesley.” Deanna smiled as she backed away slightly. “Welcome aboard, Ensign.”

“Thank you.” Darcy watched her walk away, and then turned to Guinan. “Um, she said this was the place to get dinner.”

“Food, beverages, and conversation.”

“Perfect.” Darcy felt himself relax, although he wasn’t quite sure why. Guinan was the first person he’d met in a long while that put him at ease. “Got any stroganoff?”

“Coming right up.” She turned to give him a side-eye. “You look like an amaretto sour kind of guy. Are you?”

“You sound like a telepath. Are you?” Darcy’s eyes widened as he realized what he’d said. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“Shouldn’t have what? Responded naturally?” She went around the counter and prepared his drink. “I like it when my friends feel comfortable being themselves.”

“Friends.” Darcy picked up his drink and saluted her.

“So, you have any family, or anyone waiting for you at home?”

“No, no family really, but I do have a group of friends I call my family.”

“Friends you call family still count as family.”

“I guess they do.” Darcy thought of his “siblings” and smiled. “I’ve not been home in what seems like forever, but I’ve managed to keep in touch with many of them.”

“Are there many?"

“A few dozen, but I only keep correspondence with a handful. They pass messages for me.”

“That’s a pretty big and dedicated group of friends turned family.”

“Yeah.” Darcy looked down uncomfortably. He shouldn’t be opening up this much this fast. “We find common ground in our experiences, and some things make us really close really fast. We try to get together sometimes to just be together so we don’t feel so alone.”

“Sounds like you’ve had it kind of hard.”

“It’s not easy when people don’t understand that you need basic human rights still.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry. I have to go.” Darcy stood quickly.

“You’ve not eaten yet. Sit down and eat. I’ll leave you alone.”

“No, it’s not you. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“If you’re going to tell me you shouldn’t have opened up and been honest with a friend, I’m going to tell you to remember that friends are here to share burdens.”

“This is a burden I shouldn’t share yet.” His head bobbed as he spoke. “I talk too much. I’m sorry.” Guinan watched as he fairly ran from her domain.

Guinan had spent her life listening, and her heart broke as she watched him leave. His words were similar to those she’d heard on countless planets in countless systems, always uttered by those societies forgot. Perhaps she’d find a way to make him see he had an ally in her. After all, she knew what it was like to be alone and forgotten.

She quietly boxed his order and let Ben, her assistant manager, know she was going out for a bit. Accessing the database for crew quarters, she found Ensign Darcy Kaelin Taversham. Interesting name. Few Terran parents choose gender neutral names these days.

####

Darcy had just removed his chest binder when his door chime rang.

“Just a minute!” He grabbed a baggy sweatshirt and pulled it on, hoping he’d manage to ditch his unwanted company quickly enough that he’d not need to uncross his arms from his chest.

“It’s just me, Guinan, with your dinner. You left in such a hurry you forgot to take it.”

The door opened as she finished speaking. He watched as her expression opened into one of acceptance and intrigue.

“May I come in?”

“Sure.” He backed away from the door, still keeping his arms carefully crossed.

“You remind me of a man I once knew.”

“Do I?”

“Yes.” Guinan smiled. “Well, he identified as a man, but like you, he was different.” Darcy felt himself tense, waiting for her to say something unintentionally rude, as so often happened. “He also felt the need to hide.” Her expression leveled into frankness. “You can share as much or as little with me as you wish. I am your friend. That doesn’t mean I’m your friend in slices, or that I’m going to accept you in pieces. That means I’m here for you, to listen to you, to talk to you any time, day or night, even if I don’t immediately understand.”

Darcy felt tears sting his eyes as he slowly lowered his arms. He’d not had someone accept him, all of him, as himself, simply for himself, in what seemed like forever. No questions, no explanations, no demands for education, and no demands for understanding while someone takes their time explaining their reasons for accepting only pieces of him provided he keeps the rest hidden. It meant more than he could express.

He found himself enveloped in a tight hug as he wept in relief, in sorrow, in loneliness, in hope, and in grief. Guinan let him cry, never once admonishing him for his emotions.

#####

“Well hello again, stranger.” Guinan smiled at her newest friend. “I didn’t see you last night for your dinner.”

“I ate in my quarters.” Darcy smiled shyly. “I got a call from one of my brothers, and he had so much news to catch me up on, let alone celebrating me being here."

“How is everyone in your family?”

“Most of us are doing really well. Kyle has to go in for another surgery, because they botched the one when he was a kid so bad they’re going to try to correct it. He doesn’t really want to, but he’s in constant pain. Mark and Tyler are getting married, and Beth is trying to get into Starfleet.” He grinned. “I hope that if she makes it, we can be posted together.”

“You do realize, don’t you, that if you keep talking about these folks, I’m going to need to meet them one day.” Guinan smirked as she spoke.

“Maybe one day.” He grinned back. “So, got a pastrami on rye by any chance?”

“Complete with sour kraut and a pickle.”

“Fantastic. Oh, and a beer.”

“What kind?”

“Surprise me.”

“One pale ale, coming right up.”

####

“Ensign Taversham, I want you working with Data to align the thrusters on the shuttlecraft in Bay 4.”

“Yes, sir.” The young man’s voice barely reached Geordi’s ears. The chief engineer watched as the man left the room.

“Data, tell me how he does, ok? He’s nervous, but hasn’t seemed to make any mistakes. I don’t know if that’s because someone is helping cover for him, or if he’s just not messing up.”

“I believe we will find he is doing his work adequately, Geordi, but I will pay careful attention.”

The android followed the new crewman, wondering why his friend seemed so perturbed by the young ensign’s nervousness. He was new to the ship, which always generated some level of nervousness in humans. Perhaps Geordi had forgotten this.

#####

“Taversham!” Geordi yelled to his newest engineer. “I want you over here on these relays.” The young man nodded and moved. Earlier in the day, Geordi’d overheard two of his non-commissioned engineers laughing over Darcy’s voice, pointing out his high tenor as a matter of humor. The man hadn’t spoken two words since.

“Smithers! Thompson! My office, now!” He was going to nip this in the bud.

#####

“Ensign Taversham, may I see you in my office, please?” Geordi had walked up to the young man instead of shouting as he had earlier. Darcy nodded and turned to walk after him. La Forge bit back a smart remark about replying with his voice.

“You’ve been here for two weeks, Ensign.” Geordi smiled. “How’s it going?”

“I think well.” Darcy looked down nervously. “Have I made a mistake I’m not aware of?”

“No, your work has all been up to standard. Better than standard, actually. You’re a pretty talented guy, and getting along with Barclay so easily is quite an accomplishment. Most people take a while to gain his trust.”

“Barclay’s a good guy. I like him.” Darcy shrugged self-depreciatively. “Engineering is pretty much the same, no matter where you go.”

“True, but we’ve got some upgrades that not every ship has, and you’re adapting fast.”

“Thank you, sir.” Darcy smiled slightly.

“Now, how are you getting along with the rest of the crew? I heard a couple of the people giving you a hard time earlier today.”

“It’s fine, sir.”

“No, it’s not.” Geordi kept his voice friendly but firm. “We have a strict rule around this ship of respect. We don’t always agree, and we sure don’t always like everyone.” He realized he should have chosen different words when Darcy looked away and turned red. “But we still maintain professionalism and integrity.”

“Yes, sir.”

#####

Guinan sat in Darcy’s quarters, quietly sipping tea with him. They’d not spoken in nearly an hour, but neither felt it was needed. Sometimes simply “being” was a great gift, and Guinan enjoyed being with someone who understood the beauty of silence.

Part of listening was learning to listen to silence, and she often learned more about people who needed constant noise from the type of noise they chose than any words they said. The same was true for people who could enjoy the silence.

######

“Hey, Guinan!” Darcy strode into Ten Forward after a trying day at work. He playfully kissed her cheek. “How’s your day been?”

“Long.” She stared at him without smiling. “A certain someone didn’t come for breakfast like he said he would, and I’ve been wondering why all day.”

“Oh, I got stuck in a project. I thought I left you a message?”

“You did.” She glowered for a moment, her hand firmly placed on her hip. “You left a message that said “Gotta get to work, can’t make breakfast, but need to talk to you. Can we reschedule?”

“Oh. Oops. I should have given you an idea of what I needed to talk to you about.”

“Yes!” She threw her hands up in the air. “You can’t leave me hanging like this! I’m a curious person! The suspense has been killing me!”

“Come over here, and I’ll tell you.” He guided her to a quiet corner and leaned in close, telling her about the excitement of learning that some of his family would be able to meet him when he took his next shore leave.

Across the room, several members of the senior staff looked on with bewilderment.

“You know, I can’t get that guy to say three words unless I ask him a direct question he can’t just nod or shake his head to.” Geordi shook his head. “He’s a total wall-flower.”

“Obviously not a total wall-flower.” Beverly Crusher smirked. “I wonder how long he’s known Guinan, and if they know each other, when did they meet?”

“I don’t believe they knew each other before I introduced them three weeks ago.” Deanna leaned forward, placing her chin in her hand. “He’s managed to make up excuses to avoid coming in for his new crew intake. He’s got an intense case of nerves.”

“I’ve not been able to nail him down for a physical, either.” Beverly and Deanna shared a look. “I wonder if we’ll have to get his friend involved. Time is running out, and I don’t want his first time coming across the Captain’s desk as being on report for refusing medical.”

“Won’t be the first time.” Geordi smirked. “I put his name on a list of those going above and beyond. I swear he’s silently bucking for a promotion.”

“Is there anything unusual in his file that would make him reticent about going in?” Riker spoke up.

“I prefer to look over new crew member’s files with them there, Will. I once had a man I could have sworn was next to death’s door from his file, but severe food allergies was what it boiled down to. I like having people there to answer questions about themselves.”

“That makes sense.” Will nodded. “I’ve not really heard anything about him, so I’m guessing he performs satisfactorily?”

“Do you have any complaints about his work, Geordi?” Data looked to his friend. “I have found him to be compliant, quick to finish tasks, and pleasant to be around, despite his quiet nature.”

“No, I have no complaints, Data.” Geordi was now chuckling as he watched his new engineer give an animated account of something to Guinan, who looked proud and happy, which was an unusual set of emotions to see on her face. “He’s always on time, has his work done, doesn’t offer excuses for mistakes, and covered for one of his crewmates who made a mistake. I called him on it, and he still tried to take responsibility, saying he hadn’t explained the directions properly. I reminded him that the other guy had been on board longer, and he proceeded to tell me that he’s an ensign, while the other isn’t. He insisted on taking responsibility.”

“He sounds like officer material, if you can ever get him to say more than two words on duty.” Riker nodded toward the currently-animated ensign. “It sounds like he’s got what it takes.”

“I think he’ll get there.” Deanna had a wistful expression on her face. “I’m not sure, but I think, based on emotions coming from over there, that two soul-mates have found each other. I’m sensing emotions as if a long-lost child has come home. I think that all he needs is time. There is some trauma he’s hiding, and I have the feeling that once he opens up about it, we’ll see a miraculous transformation. He’ll be like that all the time.”

A loud peal of laughter from Guinan drew their attention once again. They sat, shocked, as she covered her face and continued laughing. Darcy had leaned back in his chair, with an expression that could only be described as mischievous. Guinan lowered her hands and looked at her friend before breaking into another fit of laughter.

“I can’t believe it.” Beverly began to laugh. “I’ve never seen Guinan with the giggles before.”

####

“Guinan, I was wondering if I could have a word with you?”

“Absolutely.” The hostess turned away from the recipe she was toying with. “How may I help you?”

“I’d like to talk to you about Ensign Taversham.”

“He’s avoiding his physical and any interaction with Councilor Troi.” Guinan nodded towards a table, and the ladies sat.

“Yes.” Beverly sat back. “He’s about to go on medical report. He’s been on board for almost four weeks and still hasn’t been in to see either of us. It’s Starfleet policy that each new transfer begins with a complete physical so that nothing is missed in healthcare. If someone won’t do a physical, I’m afraid I’ll have to remove them from duty until they submit to one or are permanently relieved of duty.”

“What’s the least amount of damage that will happen if he comes in, but isn’t in before the deadline?”

“His name shows up on the list of crew who aren’t meeting expectations and it’s delivered to the captain.” Beverly worried her lip. “Geordi and Data both have nothing but good to say about him, and I’m afraid that despite their recommendations, Jean-Luc will view his refusal to look after his health as a reason to avoid promoting him in the future.”

“Ah.” Guinan gave one of her enigmatic smiles. “I’ll do my best to get him in to see you.”

#####

“Doctor Crusher?” Ensign Taversham stood nervously in her office door. “I’m here for my physical. Guinan said I couldn’t put it off any longer without trouble.”

“She’s right.” Beverly sat back, looking him over carefully. He squirmed a bit under the scrutiny. “I’m trying to figure out why you’re so nervous about this. Surely you’ve had a physical before.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Darcy cleared his throat. “May I shut the door?”

“Sure.” One they were secured in her office, he sat and clasped his hands before speaking again. “What did you think of my medical records?”

“I haven’t looked yet, as I’ve found that it’s best to have the patient with me so I don’t jump to conclusions based on unexpected former issues.”

“I see.” Darcy was quiet for a moment. “I have physical and genetic differences that often result in embarrassing situations, questions, and additional medical exams or forced procedures.”

“Forced procedures?”

“Yes.” Darcy’s eyes filled with tears he refused to let fall. “I’m an intersex chimera.” He waited to see if she would know what he was talking about, and he wasn’t disappointed. Her eyes widened and she sat forward.

“I’ve never met one before.” Then she caught herself and sat back. “That’s the sort of response you avoid, isn’t it?”

“One of them, yes.” Darcy nodded. “I dislike being treated as a science experiment, of being forced into unnecessary examinations, and so on. I tend to panic in sickbay, honestly.”

“Tell me about that.”

“How much do you know about the medical treatment plan that was developed during the Twentieth Century to handle cases of intersex, or people who have bodies that don’t fall within the anticipated male/female range?”

“Not much, I’m afraid.” Beverly regretted not learning more, but she’d never anticipated having someone like this on her ship. Her mind raced as she realized she was better prepared to deal with alien races than someone with this type of variation of her own species. She bit back the question of how he felt to belong to a group of people who were usually selected against during gestational chromosomal sequencing.

“It was determined, based on the falsified reports from Dr. John Money, that we could be fully integrated into society if our bodies were surgically altered to reflect either male or female physiology.” He swallowed hard. “This includes castration, clitorectomy, removing gonads, removing or creating breasts, vaginal canals, and so on. They’re gross violations of our human rights.”

“You mean these things still go on?”

“Yes.” He swallowed hard and took a moment to compose himself. “There was a time during the early 21st century when intersex activists made great strides in gaining rights to bodily integrity, legal documentation as neither male nor female, and made an impact socially, teaching society that we exist and are more common than admitted to.”

“What happened?”

“People were so wrapped up in the idea of only male and female people that the backlash to the rights movement caused years of upheaval in society. There was a big push to select against us via PDG, and then genetic “corrections” began. Those doing the work towards equality saw future generations of us wiped out by selecting against us during gestation, genetic correction, abandonment as infants, infanticide, and murder.

“Then, World War Three happened and all of society crumbled. We were once again back to where we started from: forgotten, ignored, treated like a myth, and hidden, even from each other. In some ways, it was better than the horrors just before the war, but those who survived the war had to begin rebuilding the communication, groups, and communities that they had lost. I can only imagine the loneliness they must have experienced. I didn’t meet another intersex person, with a different type of intersex, until I was in my teens. He introduced me to dozens of others, and we’ve formed our own family.”

“What about your birth family? Do you have contact with them?”

“No.” Darcy looked down at his hands again. “I’m one of the lucky ones who wasn’t killed during childhood through bullying, outright murder, or aborted because of my difference. That’s only because my parents are traditionalists who didn’t want a genetic breakdown while my mother was pregnant. My body wasn’t altered because my father decided it was a punishment put upon me. What he called a continuation of a cosmic punishment is a great gift to me. I was labeled a monster at birth and kept hidden to the best of their ability. But through all of that, I have the body I was born with.” He took a deep breath. “I learned to follow the “rules” of being a man, but they never really fit well. I think the thing I hate the worst is the chest binder.”

“Rules for being a man?”

“Yes.” Darcy chuckled. “I guess you’re so used to them, that you don’t even think about them. Look at how we’re both sitting.”

“Ok.” Beverly looked down. “How are we both sitting?”

“Your legs are close together, as in your knees are nearly touching, your back is straight, even when leaning forward, your arms are close to your side, staying within the confines of your chair.” Beverly nodded, realizing he was right about her position. “My legs are wide, and it’s not seen as inappropriate. My arms, even when I’m sitting forward and you’re thinking I’m closed off, are wider and put farther from my chair than yours, when you’re more open.”

“You’re right.” Beverly’s eyes widened. “You have to keep track of all of this every day?”

“Yes.” Darcy nodded. “Even if I’m not focused on it, it’s in the back of my mind.”

“That’s just sitting in a chair.” Beverly leaned back, her arms dropping to her sides. “I can’t imagine…” She looked at him in disbelief. “Why do you have to focus so heavily on this?”

“I’m hiding in plain sight.” Darcy shrugged. “The best way to protect myself is to fit in. I can hide a great many things by modifying my behavior to exactly what is expected for my gender.”

“Fascinating. I wonder if Deanna…”

“Doctor, please.” Darcy stopped her. “Don’t tell anyone. Don’t discuss this. I’m serious. It never ends well for me.”

“That’s what happened with your last posting, isn’t it?”

“Yes. My roommate walked in on me when I was showering, which had never happened before. Everyone has always been so polite about closed doors, boundaries, and so on. I think that if he wasn’t drunk following a short shore leave, that he’d have never walked in, but that doesn’t matter now, does it?” He swallowed hard. “I wasn’t dressed, of course, so my chest was unbound. He told everyone, and the problems started. Commander Datylis said I performed my duties well, but she wasn’t able to stop the behavior. The best option was for me to transfer.”

“I doubt it was that simple, but I’ll take it.”

“It was that simple.” He nearly spat the words.

“Ok, ok. So what now?”

“Now we go do my physical in a room that’s not going to compromise me?”

“You have my word on it.” Beverly pulled up his medical file. “Excuse me when I say that you have an interesting set of organs. This is fascinating.”

“Gee, like I’ve never heard that before.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m a difficult case, I’m interesting, I really need to submit to study to help others like me, and I should come in and be a science experiment for the entire sickbay. Oh, while we’re at it, maybe the whole ship?” His voice rose as he spoke, and he stood to leave.

“Sit down, Ensign!” Beverly blocked the door. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I need a break.”

“I can get you a cup of tea.”

“Let me out of here.” He glared at her, and she decided it was better to let him go for now, review his notes, and be prepared to not make comments he’d find offensive later.

“We’ll reschedule you for tomorrow.” She crossed her arms. “But if you’re not here, I’ll have to report you as non-compliant.”

“Fine.”

#####

“She’s awful, Guinan!” Darcy paced his quarters while his friend sat quietly at his desk. “She doesn’t know anything! I’m starting from scratch here. I mean, seriously! She’s supposed to be the best doctor in the fleet, and she’s in there acting like I’m some sort of prize turkey!”

“Did you offer to help her learn?’

“I’m tired of having to teach my doctors, Guinan!” Darcy sat heavily on his bed and began crying. “I’m tired.” His voice became a nearly-silent whisper. “I’m tired of trying to survive in this boy/girl mess. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of being expected to teach everyone about “my kind”. I’m tired.” He looked up with tear-streaked eyes. “What do I do? I don’t know what to do."

“You sleep.” Guinan pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You sleep, and you wake up tomorrow and call Zach. After that, you eat breakfast. Next, you contact me when you’re ready for your appointment. I’ll go with you, if you want me to. Otherwise, I’ll be ready with a patty melt, fries, and an ice cold beer when you’ve finished. I may even make it the real thing.”

“Thanks.” He nodded. “I can do that.”

It should have seemed odd for her to be tucking him in, but at that moment, Darcy found her calm smoothing of the covers over his shoulders comforting. He was asleep before she turned out the lights and left his quarters.

####

Beverly was recycling her dishes from dinner when her door chime sounded.

“Just a minute!” She cleaned up a small pile of PADDs so that no private information showed, and then granted access to her guest. “Guinan!” Beverly was torn between shock and curiosity, as the hostess had never visited her in her quarters before.

“I was wondering if I could trouble you for a few minutes.”

“Of course. Are you alright?”

“I am, but we have a mutual friend who’s struggling.”

“Ensign Taversham?” Guinan nodded. “Wouldn’t Deanna be a better person to speak to?”

“No.” Guinan smiled gently. “While she may be able to help eventually, you’re the best one to talk to right now.”

“Ok.” Beverly motioned towards her couch. “How can I help?”

“Darcy has…” Guinan paused and thought of the right word, “problems with doctors.”

“We talked about it a little bit today.”

“It goes far deeper than you’re realizing.” She pursed her lips before speaking again. “You can’t approach him like every other nervous patient. You can’t cajole him into doing things he doesn’t want to do if you actually want to have a solid relationship that will help him get the care he needs while he’s here. And, if you’re successful, you may be able to help him lose some of his fear of doctors.”

“I don’t understand why he’s so afraid of doctors.”

“Then you haven’t researched enough.” Guinan leveled a look at the doctor before rising and taking her leave.

Beverly stared at the door for several minutes after Guinan left. The woman was always enigmatic, but her last comment was a demand that she do some studying, and not from her standard methods of learning, which was to quickly consult her medical journals and not look deeply into new topics unless it was necessary. Guinan had just told her it was necessary.

Dr. Crusher got herself a cup of coffee and powered up her console. She had two hours before she was due in Will’s quarters for their weekly poker game. That’d give her plenty of time to start reading up and getting an idea of where to look.

#####

“Deanna, oh my gods.” Beverly sat before the console in her quarters, reading up on the proposed medical treatment for intersex people and the past treatments, many of which were still practiced, even in this more enlightened century. She cross-referenced what she found with Darcy’s medical file. She realized that several of the genetic “problems” she tested for were simply intersex traits, and not the horrible birth defects and genetic mutations/malformations she’d been lead to believe.

“What?” Her friend had come to remind her about their poker game.

“He’s been traumatized over and over again by medical and mental health professionals.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Ensign Darcy Taversham.” Beverly took a deep breath and made a decision based on her need to provide the best care for a patient. “He has physical differences, which I’m not at liberty to elaborate on, and has been mistreated by many in positions of trust over his life. There’s a reason he’s not come to see us. He’s terrified.”

“I’ve not sensed fear from him.” Deanna shook her head. “I’ve sensed impatience, anger, and frustration when he’s reminded that he has to come in for his appointment, but no fear.”

“Do me a favor?”

“Sure.”

“Ask him a few questions in Ten Forward, but don’t make it seem like his intake. Maybe even when he’s visiting with Guinan. I think you’ll make more progress that way.”

“Alright.” Deanna slowly agreed. “I still wish you’d tell me what this is all about.”

“Trust me.” Beverly smiled. “He’ll do better if we meet him half-way.”


	2. Facing Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trauma has a way of rearing its ugly head just when someone thinks they've overcome it and are past it. It doesn't always make sense, nor does it make it easier to deal with, knowing that reactions make no sense.

Darcy choked down the last few bites of his breakfast before contacting Guinan. 

“I’m heading over there.”

“Do you want me to come?”

“Is it fair to say I don’t know?”

“It is.” Guinan waited a moment before speaking again. “If you get there and decide you want me to come, just call.”

“Ok.” Darcy took a deep breath. “Will there be chocolate gelato with that patty melt?”

“Anything you want.” 

“Ok.” There was another pause. “I’ll talk to you later.” 

“I’ll be waiting.”

######

“I’m here.” Darcy stood in Beverly’s office doorway, looking vaguely ill. 

“Come on in.” Beverly nodded towards the chair across from her. “Good morning. How are you?”

“Ready for this to be over.”

“I understand.” Beverly looked down for a moment. “I did some reading last night, and I’m sorry I hurt you yesterday with what I said.” 

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“Nonsense.” Beverly shook her head. “You felt the need to leave because I was insensitive. That qualifies as hurt in the eyes of a doctor. Now. How about we just talk for a few minutes?”

“About what?”

“Well, how did you get into engineering?”

“I always liked to take things apart.” Darcy blushed. “I used to get in trouble for taking apart all of my toys.” 

“My son, Wesley, who left for the academy a couple of days after you arrived, did the same thing. The only time he was ever really in trouble was when he took Jean-Luc’s phaser apart. Wesley was only 5, and we didn’t realize he’d gotten ahold of any tools.” 

“He got his hands on a phaser?”

“The power cell was out of it, so there was no chance to hurt himself.”

“Wow.” Darcy laughed. “My parents would have flipped. As it was, my mom was always certain that if I just behaved a little more girly, I’d be happy as a girl. I still don’t think she’s reconciled herself to the fact that I’m never going to give her grandchildren, or be comfortable in dresses, or anything else like that. She’d get so mad when I was tinkering, and my dad was mad no matter what I did. Sometimes I took things apart only because I knew I’d be in trouble because my dad was in a bad mood, and I wanted to at least deserve the spanking.”

“He spanked you?”

“Yeah.” Darcy shrugged. “Didn’t you ever spank your son?”

“No!” Beverly looked shocked. “He got time outs, grounded, and put to bed after an early dinner, but we never hit him.”

“Huh.” Darcy looked down at his hands, unsure of what to say next. He’d not meant to make her uncomfortable. 

“Hey.” A soft hand landed on his shoulder, and he jumped. “Settle down. I just came to see how you were getting along.” Guinan smiled down at him. “I guess you weren’t the only one feeling a little anxious this morning.” 

“We’re just getting to know one another.” Beverly smiled up at the bartender. 

“I heard some of it.” Guinan smiled. “You know, Darcy, you have no need to be ashamed of anything. I can see it written all over your face.” He looked away, embarrassed that she read him that easily. “What happened in the past happened, but none of it is your fault.”

“I know.” His voice wavered. “It’s just easy to forget sometimes.” 

“How’s your appointment going, besides feeling upset and embarrassed over things you can’t control?”

“We’ve not done anything yet.” Darcy shrugged. “I think she’s letting me settle down a bit before going in for the kill.”

“I won’t kill. I promise.” Beverly smiled. “I may maim, but I’ll never kill.” 

“Was that a joke?” Darcy smiled for the first time of the day. “You cracked a joke.” 

“I try.” Beverly winked at Guinan. “Why don’t we go to a bio-bed while Guinan is here? Your pulse is already slower, and I think that as you relax more, I’ll get an accurate reading.” 

“You’re running a scan?”

“I have been since you came in here.” Beverly held up the tricorder sitting on the edge of her desk. “If we hit another blip, I wanted to be sure I’d have enough to keep you off of the captain’s naughty list.”

“That’s actually kind of cool.” Darcy nodded. “Thanks for understanding.”

“No problem. Now, let’s go get this done, shall we?”

“Sure.” 

The trio made their way to a private room where Darcy lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling while Beverly and Guinan chatted. He answered occasional questions, but anxiety was slowly overtaking him. 

“Alright, we’re done.” Beverly smiled and patted his shoulder at long last. “You’re free to go.” She watched as he bolted from the room, not even bothering to thank his friend for helping him make it through.

“You did good, Beverly.”

“I wish I could have done better.”

“With as upset as he is after his last assignment, you’ve done wonders.”

“What happened on the Ajax?”

“It’s not my story to tell.”

“Why did I have the feeling you’d say that?”

#####

Darcy splashed cold water on his face and stared at himself in the mirror. There was no need for him to be so upset. He’d had doctor’s appointments before. It’s not like he’d not had other appointments since joining Starfleet, either. 

“Get ahold of yourself, kid.” He glared at his own reflection. “Stop being such a wuss. Why the fuck do you have to be such a loser?” He knew there was no good answer, yet he longed for one. There had to be a reason he was so broken, and if he could find the reason, he’d find the solution to healing. He envied people who had it all together. Guinan, Zach, Lieutenant LaForge, Data, and Doctor Crusher all had their shit together. Why couldn’t he? 

Maybe he did need to talk to Deanna. Could he? How much would he need to tell her? Could he get help without having to explain every last part of his existence? Would she get his gender, or his physical sex, and would she understand his sex, or would he have to teach her, and if he had to teach her, would she disregard him as a special case and not really help him, or would she tell him the same useless things every other therapist had ever told him that didn’t really work? 

He realized he was beginning to breathe harder by the thought, so he left his bathroom at a quick walk and jogged down the hall to the gymnasium. Running laps always helped calm him, and there was no better time to run than when everyone was either asleep after their shift, at lunch, or at their duty station. He had the track all to himself for several laps, when he was joined by an older man who ran silently. The two exchanged a brief nod as the man passed Darcy on his cool-down lap. 

######

“I was wondering when you’d come for that sandwich.” Guinan smiled at her young friend. 

“Sorry I’m late.” Darcy plastered his most winning smile on his face. “I went running and then took a shower. I didn’t figure you’d want me here all sweaty and smelling like that.”

“You’re probably right.” She eyed him critically. “Did you run out all of that self-loathing?”

“Damn, woman. How do you do that?”

“I’m a listener.” She smiled enigmatically. “With you, I have to listen to what you don’t say.”

“And what am I not saying?”

“You’re not saying that you’re still beating yourself up for making it through your appointment this morning. You’re also not saying that you blame yourself for not realizing that some of the abuse you endured as a child wasn’t normal. Another thing you’re not saying is that you’re feeling vulnerable, and that being vulnerable means you’re in danger.”

“Sorry I asked.” 

“No, you’re not.” Guinan placed his patty melt before him, complete with fries, malt vinegar, and a pickle. “You’re just upset that I’m saying what that voice inside your head keeps repeating.” 

“Quit already!” Darcy forced a laugh. “I’m going to eat my lunch, and we’re going to pretend that the voices in my head are all happy and full of joy, alright?”

“Sure.” Guinan shrugged. “But one of these days, you’re going to have to deal with all of that.”

“Woman!”

Guinan just smiled and walked away, leaving Darcy to mutter over his lunch. 

########

“I have to say I’m surprised to see you here, Ensign Taversham.” Deanna Troi sat on a chair facing the nervous young man who was perched on the very edge of the couch. Beverly had let her know he'd come to see her nearly two weeks before, and the councilor was tempted to track the man down and confront him about not coming in for his intake. He had more time with his mental health intake than his physical, but she had begun to wonder if he'd ever come.

“May as well get this over with.” He shrugged.

“Let’s do that.” Deanna motioned with her clasped hands. “How about you tell me a little bit about yourself?”

“I always hate this question.”

“Why do you dislike it?”

“What do you want to hear when you ask it?”

“How about we start with where you grew up?”

“Idaho Springs, Idaho.”

“Did you like it there?”

“No. I joined Starfleet to get away.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Darcy leaned back a bit, but still didn’t settle into his seat comfortably. 

“Ok, so then how did you get into engineering?”

“I was always taking things apart. I figured engineering was a way to do something enjoyable without getting into trouble for it.”

“And has that worked out for you?”

“Yes.” Darcy smiled. “Part of me would like to be promoted, but another part of me is enjoying being in the lower ranks where I can tinker more often.” 

“What makes you think that if you get promoted, you won’t have the chance to tinker as much?”

“Commanders LaForge and Data rarely get to do more than work with screens. I get to crawl through the Jefferies Tubes.” Darcy raised his brow. “Speaking of Commander Data, does he have a last name? I feel weird calling him Commander Data when everyone else gets called by their last name.” 

“He is simply Data.”

“Well, then I guess I’ll just have to get over the weirdness of calling him by his first name.”

“Yes, so what else do you like about engineering?”

“It’s sort of both a group thing and a solo task. I like that some days, I don’t need to talk to anyone, and other days, I can have company.”

“Is talking to other people really that hard?”

“Sometimes.” Darcy took a deep breath. “There are things I’d rather not get into today, but I know I need to talk to someone about.”

“Do these things have something to do with why you were transferred in the middle of a mission? Not only here, but also from the Ajax?”

“Yes.” Darcy shifted. “I really did need to transfer.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Deanna sat back, trying to project peace and safety. “Your captain would not have approved a transfer had it not been necessary. We just find that those sorts of rushed transfers are rare.” Darcy sat quietly, unsure of what to say. 

How much of it was his fault? How much of it should he have handled differently? What should he have done differently? He didn’t realize his face had gone from pensive to blank, and was now registering despair. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yes.” He stood up and rubbed his hands on his pants. “I’m sorry, but I either need to start talking all of this out, or I need to go. Where are we in my session?”

“You still have a half an hour.” 

“Even a quick summary of everything would take too long.” Darcy paced a few steps. “Could I write my thoughts down and send them to you? You could read them, and then we can talk about it later? I really don’t want to keep panicking over stupid stuff.”

“A panic response is rarely stupid, Ensign.”

“Sure.” He smiled self-depreciatingly. “Unless you’re the one panicking and you can tell yourself to settle down, even as you can feel yourself going more out of control.”

“That sounds like a typical response to trauma.”

“Yeah. Complex PTSD. It’s not pleasant.” 

“We’ve managed to make great strides in understanding the brain and how trauma works. I have every confidence that I can help you.” Deanna smiled brightly. 

“Why don’t you go ahead and leave early for today, unless you’d like to talk about something else, and send me your letter once you’ve finished. We’ll reschedule after I’ve gotten that from you. Does that sound fair?”

“Yes.” Darcy nodded as he headed for the door. “Thanks.” 

###

Darcy sat at his desk, thinking of how to start. There were so many things he needed to work on, and he’d thought he was better than what he was. How was it that the Ajax brought all of this back up to the surface? Could he be free one day? 

With a deep and heavy sigh, he started to type. There was no way around it. He had to start from the beginning, as all of it was a tangled web of confusion and emotion. The only way to explain it was to tell it all. He hoped he’d not overstep his bounds, if there were boundaries of what he could and couldn’t say. What was the worst that could happen? He’d be discharged and return to Earth with 4 years of Starfleet service as a boost to any future career?

Three hours later, his shoulders were tense, his head was beginning to ache, and he felt as if he was going to implode. He needed to go somewhere and do something, but he didn’t want to be alone. Guinan would be in the middle of her dinner rush, and he knew she didn’t like to abandon Ten Forward when it was busy. Damn. 

#####

Beverly shook her head as she left the holodeck on Deck 38. Honestly. These kids were going to be the death of her. Who went deep-sea diving and forgot to put on safety protocols? Obviously an overly excited group of newly minted cadets who forgot all about pressurization would do something so crazy. 

No one was seriously hurt, but she was thankful once again that the holodecks could produce working equipment. She made a mental note to talk to Will about reminding all crew about the responsibility to their health. After all, an injured crew couldn’t perform well in battle or on an away mission. 

The kids weren’t much older than Wesley, which made her mind wander towards her son and how he was doing. She hoped he was making as many friends as he claimed, and not just trying to keep her from worrying. He was a bright boy, but he’d never been away from home for very long, and even on the Enterprise, he’d been protected by the captain’s good graces. Even if they didn’t particularly like him, not many would have said so. 

“Computer, location of Ensign Darcy Taversham.”

“Ensign Taversham is in his quarters.”

“Where are his quarters?”

“Deck 38, section C.” She was already in B, so a quick detour wouldn’t matter. Perhaps he’d like to join her for dinner. She’d not seen him with any of the crew. Another quick command had the panels next to his quarters lit, and she knocked on his door. 

“Who is it?” 

“Doctor Crusher.”

“Oh, um, give me a minute.” His voice was rough, and she could hear the sound of things being moved in a hurry, as if he were cleaning up a mess.

“I can come back later, or you can come find me.”

“No, just a minute.” He ordered the door to open, and stood there embarrassed at his mess. He’d been looking for his journal, the old paper one that he’d kept out of fear of someone getting into his personal logs. “Sorry.” He motioned aimlessly with his hands. “Sometimes I…” He stopped and shrugged. 

“Are you ok?” Her worry grew as he crossed his arms and bit his lip before answering. 

“Is it ok if I say I’m not sure?”

“Absolutely.” Crusher offered him a sad smile. “What to talk about it?”

“Not right now.”

“Ok, then it’ll wait.” She paused a moment. “I was tending to a medical emergency, and now I’m off duty. I was wondering if you’d like to join me in the officers’ mess for dinner?”

“Dinner? What time…” Darcy looked over at the clock, and his eyes widened. He’d not realized so much time had passed. Thank heavens he was off duty today. 

“You sure you want me along?”

“The captain’s been dining with me the last few weeks since Wesley left, but he’s busy tonight. You’d be saving me from eating alone.”

“Yeah, um, just let me get ready to go.” He finger combed his wavy hair as he headed to his bedroom to change. 

“Nothing fancy, kiddo! I’m going to be in my uniform!”

“Ok, I just spilled something on this earlier, and I don’t want to look messy.”

“Got someone to look nice for?”

“No.” His voice was tinged with embarrassment, so she figured there was some young man Darcy was interested in. He’d told her during another one of their "get used to sickbay" visits about his sexuality, and while she didn’t discourage him from dating, she did let him know that it was best to search for a date in certain areas of the ships, especially certain food courts. She’d get it out of him later. 

“I’m ready.” He stood before her, clad in a fresh pair of pants and a t-shirt with a loose-fitting cardigan. 

“How is it that you can toss on anything and look great?”

“It’s all in the genetics,” he quipped. “No, really, I spent so long in the closet, and that’s where all the good clothes are. You kinda get to know your way around.”

“Will I ever get a straight answer from you?”

“Straight? I hope not!” She laughed and pushed him towards the wall as they walked. He overcompensated and nearly fell into it, playing her “abuse” up as much as he could. 

“If you don’t stop, people are really going to question my treatment of you.”

“I’ll tell them you’re always friendly and proper. Scouts honor.”

“Were you ever a scout?”

“Nope, that’s why I’ve still got honor. I stole theirs.”

“You are such a pill today!”

“Coming from a doctor, I’ll take that as a high compliment.” Darcy gave her a small bow and walked into the officer’s mess slightly behind her. “Wow. It’s nice in here.”

“It is. I’ve only been in your mess once, and it’s fairly drab, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Orange. Orange everything. I’d not mind it if it was a bright orange, but no, it’s got to be the dark, not quite scorched orange juice orange that feels cloistering.”

“Well, no cloistering here. I think they just wanted to make a space you’d not hang out in.”

“They succeeded.”

“Now, how about a table over towards the side, or would you rather be in the middle of the room?”

“That one over in the corner is good.”

“All the way in the corner?”

“Yeah, I um, kinda want to be able to see everyone around me today.”

“Having a rough one?”

“Kinda. So what do you suggest for dinner?” He changed the subject in a rather inelegant way, and she let him. 

“I’ve had a steady diet of French cuisine for the past several weeks, and it's a little rich for my taste. I think I’ll break out of that habit and have plain old roast with potatoes, carrots, and onions.”

“That sounds good.” Darcy smiled. “We used to eat a lot of soup beans, fried potatoes, and corn bread before my father installed the replicator. My mom never was a very good cook, so she made what she could. I kind of miss it sometimes.”

“So why not have that for dinner?”

“I’ve not programmed it in yet.”

“I’m sure, that somewhere on this ship, someone has downloaded that meal. I mean, if Worf can get Klingon foods, you can get that.”

Minutes later, she regretted that decision as she watched him smash soaked and boiled pinto beans into mash, mix them with the fried potatoes, and then cover it all with green tomato relish. It had to be the most disgusting thing she’d ever seen… and then he added cornbread with milk. 

#####

“Thanks for joining me for dinner, Darcy.”

“Thanks for inviting me.” He blushed. “It was fun.”

“At least I now know who to call when I need to laugh.”

“I’m not always a barrel of laughs, but I try.”

“We all have our days.”

“True that.” He slowed his steps, pausing, wondering if he should ask, yet fairly certain she’d be honest with him. “Dr. Crusher?”

“Yes?”

“I went to see Councilor Troi today.”

“Oh?”

“We talked a bit, and decided I could write things down and give it to her, and then we’d talk about it later, because there’s so much, and I’m not sure where to start, or even what’s important.”

“Ok?”

“Will you read it real quick and tell me what you think? Is it too much? Does it make sense to you? Stuff like that. It doesn’t do any good to give her something that’s just going to confuse her or make her want to drum me out.”

“I can guarantee nothing you have to say will make her want to make you leave. It may make her want to help you, but she’ll not make you leave.”

“Please?”

“Are you really that worried?”

“Yes.” 

“Then I will.” Beverly smirked. “I’ll consider this an agreement that you’ll not hedge so badly the next time you need to come to sickbay.”

“Will you take it as a promise to try?”

“Deal.” She clapped her hands once. “Now, where is it?”

Darcy nervously handed over the PADD and watched as she sat on his couch and began to read. By the time she was scrolling the page up, he was chewing his fingernails. She’d not said anything, but her brow was crinkled in concentration. Nearly 20 minutes passed before she looked up and quietly spoke.

“That makes so much sense, Darcy. I think you’ve expressed yourself in a captivating and beautiful way. Please, send this to her and don’t worry about her being upset. Believe me, you’ve given her a roadmap to being able to help you.”

“Ok.” Darcy sighed heavily. “Now I just need to do it.”

“You can do it, Kiddo. Take a deep breath, hit send, and reschedule an appointment in a few days.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It is.” Beverly smiled. “It doesn’t have to be any harder than pressing two buttons.”

“Thanks.” Darcy took the PADD from her and pressed “send”. “Step one done.”

“Good job.” With a pat to his shoulder, she stood and left. 

####

Darcy slept peacefully for the first time in months that night, while Dr. Beverly Crusher sat up for hours nursing a cup of tea and trying to reconcile the values of the Federation with the very obvious Human Rights Violations Darcy had described. While she’d read the cold, hard facts in his medical files she'd felt disgust and a vague sense of disbelief, but his account gave details that matched the medical jargon she'd read. Reading his description of the feelings of betrayal, confusion, isolation, and loneliness gave a chilling new layer to her research. 

There had to be something she could do.


	3. Walking Bravely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Facing Demons is only as good as the courage you have to walk past them.

#####  
Darcy looked up at the man standing over his work station.

“What’s up, Reg?”

“I, uh, I was wondering if you’d be interested in joining our Paresis Squares game this afternoon. Carlisle isn’t able to make it, so we’re a man short, and I thought you may like to join us.”

“I’ve never played it before.”

“That’s ok. Um, I’m not a very good player, either, but the better players help teach. I, I, um, I only started playing recently myself.”

“In that case, sure.” Darcy smiled. “What time is the game?”

“It’s this afternoon at 1800.”

“Where are we playing?”

“Holodeck 15.”

“I’ll be there. Oh, um, what equipment do I need?”

“Tell your replicator that you need paresis squares equipment and your clothing size, and it will provide all you need.”

“Great. And thanks.”

“Sure.” Barclay nodded and moved off. He nodded to Geordie, who smiled and went back to his task. He’d been hoping to get the shy new ensign more involved, and who would have thought that Reginald Barclay was the key. Ensign Taversham never ceased to be a source of surprise.

#####

“So what will you be doing this evening instead of dining with me, sir?” Guinan smiled as she spoke.

“I’ve been asked to play Paresis Squares.”

“And you’re going to do this?”

“Yes?” He cocked his head. “Do you know of some reason I shouldn’t?”

“No, not at all.” She stood to refill his drink. “I’m glad you’re making new friends.”

“Tired of me?”

“Not a bit.” She touched his cheek lightly. “You remind me of my children, and that’s not a bad thing. I just think that at your age, you should be playing with the boys instead of sitting chatting with an old Aurelian and a doctor who also views you as a surrogate child.”

Darcy blushed. “I guess it just feels good to have people care.”

“We’ll always care, Kiddo.” Guinan nodded towards the door. “Your lunch time is nearly up. Go on, have fun, and let me know how it went.”

“Sure will!” He stood up and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Have a good afternoon.”

“Stay out of sickbay, and if you don’t, say hi to Dr. Crusher for me!”

Darcy just laughed and exited out the automatic doors. He absolutely adored her, and hoped he never wore out his welcome. 

####

Three quarters into their game, Darcy had worked up a sweat and was feeling like he had a good handle on the rules. He found he could leap from level to level without much problem, earning him the nickname of Pogo. He’d not realized it was his “name” at first, until Commander LaForge tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he was ready to play. 

“You ready for this one, Pogo?”

“Pogo?”

“Yeah, you got legs like a pogo stick!”

“What’s a pogo stick?”

“Don’t let the captain hear you!” Lieutenant Franklin laughed. “He’ll make you practice until you can actually use one. Guy's got a serious fixation with the past.”

“What’s a pogo stick?” Darcy looked at Barclay, who took mercy on him and answered his question. 

“It’s a stick that’s loaded with a spring and has a handle and foot rests. You use it to jump around.”

“Cool.” Darcy grinned and got ready to get back to playing. This was more fun than he’d expected, and he’d so far not seen anything that would make this game seem so dangerous.

Five short minutes later, he changed his mind when his foot slipped and he landed hard on his side on the edge of a ledge, right where the corners met up. He felt his ribcage jolt as he hit, and pain sliced up his side. He landed on his back, a scream of pain already emitting from his lips. 

“Don’t move!” Geordie raced over, tapping his COMM badge seconds before dropping to his knees, making sure Darcy stayed as still as possible. 

“LaForge to Sickbay.”

“Crusher here.”

“Doc, we’ve got an injury in Holodeck 15. Request immediate transport. Possible back, rib, or neck injury.”

“Position of patient?”

“Already on his back.”

“Good.” There was the sound of rustling, followed by a few spoken orders to Nurse Ogawa. “We’re ready here. Prepare for transport.”

“We’re ready.” Geordie and Darcy disappeared in a shimmer of color. 

####

Beverly saw the young man she’d been spending time with and felt her heart race for a moment, only to steel herself and push her personal feelings aside. She had a patient who needed her, and he certainly didn’t need her to be upset.   
With a quick press of a hypospray to dull his pain, she began her exam.

She ran her tricorder over his body, discovering two broken ribs that had not punctured his lung, but had come close. With Nurse Ogawa’s help, she removed his uniform and binder, pleased that her trusted nurse didn’t even allow surprise to show on her face when Darcy’s breasts were unwrapped. She set the regenerator to work over him, watching gauges and screens to be sure that the proper setting was chosen and working as intended. She watched a little longer than she would have for others, simply because she wanted to be sure that the compression his ribs had been under would not adversely affect the healing process. Once she was satisfied, she turned to Geordie.

“What happened?”

“He’s like a deer.” LaForge grinned. “I don’t know how he does it, but he can jump like crazy. Anyway, he got a little overconfident after we started calling him Pogo.”

“Pogo?”

“Legs like a Pogo-stick.”

“You’re as bad as my son with the nicknames.”

“Hey, Broccoli was his fault.”

“Yes, but you’re an adult and don’t have to go along.”

“I was just nurturing his creative side.”

“If there’s one thing Wesley doesn’t need, it’s help with creativity. So, back to Darcy and his ribs. What happened?”

“Like I said, he got overconfident. He was bouncing around, learning the game, actually opening up and laughing with everyone. Do you know how funny he is?”

“Yes, I do. I’ve had dinner with him a few times, and have learned when to not take a drink.”

“Really? Why’s he so quiet around everyone?”

“He’s shy.” Beverly laid her hand on Darcy’s uninjured side. “He just takes a while to get to know people. I’m glad you invited him to play with you.”

“It was Barclay’s idea. I’ve been trying to draw him out, and this seemed the most logical way.”

“Perhaps next time, take a guy out for drinks or a chess match, ok? Having a fun afternoon out shouldn’t include visits to sickbay.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Be nice to the Commander,” a voice slurred from the bio-bed. 

“Oh, I’m being nice to him.” Beverly ran her hand over Darcy’s hair. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I hit something harder than me.”

“Funny guy.” Beverly rolled her eyes. “Really, how are you?”

“I’m kinda tired, but feel a lot better.”

“You’ll be tired for a while. Mending bones isn’t as easy as people like to think, especially structural ones.”

“Are there any that aren’t structural?”

“Yes, such as fingers, toes, noses, that sort of thing. Stuff that doesn’t hold your body upright.”

“Ok.” Darcy closed his eyes, and neither of his companions were sure if he was asleep. 

“Hey, you with us?” Beverly asked quietly. 

“Yeah.” Darcy heaved a sigh and winced when it hurt his side. “Guinan said to tell you hi.”

“She did? When was this?” 

“Before the game. She said if I needed to see you, to be sure I said hi to you for her.”

“Any idea as to why she didn’t call me herself?”

“Yeah. So you’d know to call her and can tag-team chew my ass later.” 

“Oh, I’m going to call her alright.”

“Shit.” Darcy smiled, not looking nearly as upset as he tried to sound. 

“Why do I have a feeling I’ve missed more than I’ve caught with you, Ensign?” LaForge spoke up. “I knew you were close to Guinan, as I’ve seen you visiting with her in Ten Forward, but I had no idea about you cozying up to the good doctor here.”

“Of course.” Darcy yawned. “I’m full of surprises.” 

“Ok, Kiddo. Your ribs are healed enough that you can go to sleep.”

“Good.” Darcy hadn’t opened his eyes the entire time, but there was no doubting when his body relaxed and he slipped into slumber. 

“Doc…” Geordie looked down at his hands nervously. “I um, I didn’t know he’s….”

“Different? Deformed? The word you’re looking for is intersex.” Beverly smiled sadly. “Come on, let’s go talk in my office.”

####

Beverly Crusher sat across from Geordie LaForge, coffee cups in both of their hands as she answered questions in ways that educated but didn’t tell Darcy’s story or violate his patient/doctor confidentiality. 

“So people are born with bodies that are between male and female, and that’s totally normal and natural, and happens more often than we realize?”

“Yes.” Beverly nodded. 

“Ok. I got that. I’m confused about this transgender thing. Can you explain that more?”

“Sure.” Beverly smiled, glad that she was making progress, all the while hoping she was getting it all right. “When babies are born, we lump them into the categories of male and female. Congratulations, it’s a boy, or congratulations, it’s a girl, right?”

“Right.”

“What Darcy explained to me, is that until we see a baby as either boy or girl, we sort of see that baby as a non-person. Hence the “congratulations, it’s” part of announcing a birth.” She took a breath before continuing. “Even though Jack and I knew Wesley was going to be a boy, I was still waiting for that “it’s a boy” from the doctor, just in case all of the exams before had been wrong.”

“Wow.” Geordie looked down at his mug. “So what happens when a kid isn’t the boy or girl everyone expects?”

“Well, they fall into three categories. The first is Darcy’s category, or noticeably intersex immediately. The second is a category that’s similar to Darcy’s, which is an intersex body that isn’t noticed until the person is older. Maybe they don’t hit puberty, perhaps they’re unable to have children, or perhaps they have differences that won’t ever really be noticed, but they’re there and may be discovered at any time.”

“Are all intersex people transgender then?”

“No. Actually only a fraction of them don’t identify as the sex and gender they were assigned.”

“Sex and gender?”

“Yes. While we often use the words sex and gender interchangeably, they’re actually very different. Sex is a person’s physical sex: male, female, or intersex, and a person’s gender is how they identify or how they see themselves and react with the culture around them.” 

“So a person’s sex and gender don’t have to match up.”

“Not at all.” Geordie looked confused for a moment. 

“So if they don’t have to match up, why don’t we hear about people like Darcy? I’ve been in Starfleet for how long, and have encountered how many alien races, only to find out that we’re still hiding people away as dirty little secrets on Earth? We helped found the Federation. Why haven’t we included everyone? Why…” He stood and paced. “Darcy’s a good guy. I feel pretty angry right now that one, I didn’t know people like him existed, and two, that he’s felt like he has to hide to be safe. I’m feeling kinda betrayed right now, and not by him.”

“I know.” Beverly nodded. “I’ve done some research, and I’m battling some pretty intense feelings of guilt myself. One of the things they teach us in medical school is to warn parents about defects their fetus has. Do you know that if Darcy were to be born on this ship, and I was his doctor, that I’d have encouraged his parents to terminate, because he’d have been “deformed”? I’ve counseled parents before along those same lines, and now I’m feeling really guilty about doing what I thought was right.”

“What will you do now?”

“Educate. If I have an expectant parent or couple, I’ll give them the full picture. Everything. It’s all I can do. I can’t tell parents to have a child they’d not want, but I also can’t tell parents to terminate a child they’d be happy to have once they know their baby won’t have terrible challenges.”

“I think I need some time to think all of this over, Doc. This is a lot to take in.”

“It is, but it’s ok. I’ve done my processing by getting to know him better and asking questions. We all deal with things in a different way.”

“I wonder how he deals with things?”

“By hiding, staying safe, and doing his best to be seen as equal to his peers.”

“Equal? What do you mean?”

“Geordie, we see him as excelling and quietly setting himself up for a quick promotion, but he thinks he’s doing just enough to keep his job. He’s been taught time and again that he has to be at least twice as good as his peers to be seen half as good.”

“He’s afraid of being transferred, isn’t he?”

“Yes.” Beverly looked away sadly. “He transferred here in such a quick way because of mistreatment on his previous ship. He lives in constant fear that he’ll be discovered and made to leave the one place he’s felt safe since he left Earth.”

“If that’s his idea of feeling safe, I’m not even sure of how to handle that.”

“Well, maybe we can help him see that he’s not only a member of the crew, but a friend.”

“Is he talking to Deanna at all?”

“A little, here and there. He wrote her a very impressive and well-worded explanation of himself and where he is mentally and emotionally, and where he sees his areas of need, and I know she’s been working on getting him in to work on it. So far, she’s had more luck with him in Ten Forward in casual conversations than she has in an actual appointment.”

“What can I do to help?”

“Keep him safe. Nip bad behaviors fast, and don’t let him know you feel sorry for him. I can see it written all over your face. He’d eat you alive over pity.”   
Beverly looked up when the automatic doors swooshed open to reveal the other players who had all showered and changed out of their gear. 

“How is he? Can we see him?” Barclay looked around as he spoke, obviously looking for his friend. 

“He’s right in here.” Beverly motioned for them to walk over, and then paused a moment. “Let me see if he’s awake.” She walked in and saw Darcy laying quietly, picking at his blanket. “I wasn’t sure you’d be awake yet.”

“Yeah.” He looked at her nervously and then looked away. “Does Commander LaForge want me transferred now?” 

“No. Why would he?”

“He saw me.” 

“So?” Beverly crossed the room. “He wears a visor. That’s different, too. He had questions, and I answered them.” Darcy looked up with a mix of horror and anger. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him anything about you. Consider our conversation Intersex 101.”

“How did you manage that?”

“I’m a doctor. I’m used to answering questions all around a topic without breaking confidentiality.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Now, if you’re up for it, your friends are here to check in on you.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to put that stupid binder back on, Dr. Crusher.”

“I think you’ll find that you’re among friends who can accept you just as you are, if you’ll only trust them.”

“I don’t know.”

“You never will until you try.”

“Ok.” Darcy nodded. Beverly helped him adjust the bio-bed so he was reclining comfortably. A quick adjustment of the covers, and he was ready. 

“Come on in, guys.” Beverly moved out of the door and let the team of engineers in. 

“How many ribs did you break?” Ensign B’Yalla spoke up with a grin. “I think they could hear that snap all the way on the Bridge.”

“Just two.” Darcy grinned back. “Well worth it, though.”

“Breaking ribs was worth it?”

“Yeah!” Darcy winked at Barclay. “I learned a new game. Awesome guy time.”

“You’re all crazy.” Dr. Crusher checked a few instruments and then left them alone, still within earshot in case his worst fears were realized. She relaxed a bit as Geordie entered the room.

“Glad to hear you’re trying to get me out of trouble with the Doc.”

“Always. Gotta keep my direct commander out of trouble. It’s valuable work for later.” 

“Whatever.” Geordie pushed Darcy’s head slightly, making the younger man move to the side. The action dislodged the blanket he’d had up around his armpits, and Geordie began to apologize and help to replace the cover. 

“Um…” Barclay looked down in embarrassment, not sure if he should say anything, or if everyone else had missed what he’d just seen. 

“Attention, everyone in this room!” Five engineering staff came to attention, eyes focused forward, listening to their Commander. “I’ve got a Visor. I grew up different, the same as he did. If you have a problem, you better keep it to yourself or come directly to me, and we’ll discuss changing your schedule, your position, or your posting. But if I hear one rumor, one comment that’s out of line, I’ll put every last one of you on report. You’re a team. Darcy’s part of that team now, and if I hear even a whisper of anything, I’ll know it came from one of you.” 

“Commander…”

“No, Ensign Taversham, you listen.” Geordie rounded on the younger man. “I get that you kept your differences hidden. But it’s out now to everyone in this room, and I’m sorry for that. I’ll do my best to not out you like this ever again. That’s my fault. But you’re a good man. There’s no reason you should have to live in fear on this ship. Not on this ship, and not on my watch.” 

####

Jean-Luc Picard sat at his breakfast table listening to his best friend ramble on about the happenings in her life. Their daily breakfasts were a joy for him, and he’d be loathe to admit just how much it meant to have someone he could talk with about such mundane things. Everyone expected a captain to be stalwart and aloof, yet he found that the combination left him more lonely than anything. Beverly Crusher helped alleviate the loneliness in ways she could never imagine.

“Geordie’s grown so much as a leader, Jean-Luc. You’d have been proud of him yesterday and how he stood up for Ensign Taversham.”

“I’m glad to hear it, and am curious as to why he’d have to defend someone on this ship.”

“That, my dear, is a story for another time.”

“I hate it when you do that.”

“Ah, but you know I’ll not tell you stories that aren’t mine to tell.”

“Yes, yes, I know.” He sighed and sat forward. “You know, I’ve seen Ensign Taversham’s name come up several times in reports. It seems they’re a bit of a prodigy, rather like your son.”

“Darcy’s an interesting and complex person, Jean-Luc.” Beverly smiled and stood, kissing the older man on the cheek as she moved past him towards the recycler. “Alright, I need to get going before I’m late.”

“I’m sure your commanding officer could excuse you for a few moments.”

“Hardy-har-har, mister.” Beverly grinned as she picked up her lab coat. “Are we still on for the concert tonight?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. Data has reminded me of it three times already.”

“Well, it is his first jazz performance.”

“I only hope it’s nothing like his poetry.”


	4. New Heights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ensign Darcy Taversham continues to settle into his new position on the Enterprise.

“Please go with me.” Darcy couldn’t believe he was standing next to Reginald Barclay practically begging the man to go to a concert with him. 

“Why is it so important that you’re not alone?”

“I just don’t like going places alone.”

“You can do it, you know.”

“I know, but then he’s going to wonder.”

“He? He who?” 

“Forget I said anything.” Darcy bit his lip.

“Oh, no. Now I really want to know. If I’m going to go and help you maintain appearances of some sort, I really need to know what I’m getting into. This isn’t some holodeck fantasy.” He did his best to keep his face from flushing as he remembered his own humiliating experiences. 

“Ugh!” Darcy looked around to be sure they were really as alone as he thought they were. I kinda sorta have a crush on one of the players.” Barclay looked at him blankly for a moment.

“I kinda thought you had a thing for Ensign T’Pruth.”

“She’s Vulcan.”

“So?” Barclay eyed his friend. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“I annoy her by laughing. She’s told me to be quiet a lot.”

“Nah, I think she’s amused by you in her own way. She doesn’t really expect you to leave. She asked me once why you did, and I told her it’s because you want to please her.” 

“You didn’t.”

“Sure.”

“What did she say?”

“She expressed her gratitude for my explanation.”

“Great. I wonder…”

“Darcy, if you’re gay, go for the guy.”

“Oh, I’m going to, but I hope she doesn’t think I’m flirting with her.”

“Are you kidding me? Half of engineering thinks you’re flirting with them.”

“Oh, my gods. Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“No.” Barclay was enjoying himself far too much for Darcy’s good. “You’re naturally a flirt.”

“I’m going to go crawl into a Jeffries Tube and stay there until we dock somewhere.”

“No, you’re not.” Barclay grinned. “You’re going to go put on some clean clothes and meet me outside of Ten Forward in an hour. You’ve got a man to ogle.”

“I hate you sometimes.”

“No, you don’t! You love me!” Barclay hollered down the hall after Darcy’s retreating back. 

“What’s that all about, Reg?” Geordie came around the corner just in time to hear the last teasing statement. 

“Darcy’s got a crush.”

“Reg...”

“I’ll be nice. I promise.”

“You’d better.” Geordie smirked and walked away. “One of us has to find a girlfriend.”

####  
Darcy was wearing his favorite cobalt blue sweater that showed off his eyes, and he’d replicated a matching hat and belt in yellow. His standard issue black shoes would have to do, as he knew he was prancing around the “openly gay” social standards as it was. He was tempted to put on the bangle bracelets he’d often worn when going out, but then thought better of it, as would it unnerve his crush? He’d seen the other man in a lounge known to be a hangout, but he could have been there with a friend, and just been the cool straight guy supporting his buddy. Darcy groaned as he finished getting dressed.   
“Why do I do this to myself? Why? The guy probably won’t like me anyway.” He looked in the mirror. “But then again, I look good.” He grinned, combed his hair once more, and left, not even thinking about how he’d put on his favorite pants, which were a gender-neutral flowing sort. The more comfortable he grew, the more he was letting himself be who he was, without even realizing it.   
“Good evening!” Dr. Crusher surprised him as he came around the corner.   
“Oh, hi!” Darcy smiled back. “Are you here for the concert as well?”  
“Jean-Luc and I don’t miss one if we can help it. He’ll be a few minutes late, but that’s fairly typical.”  
“Cool. I’m meeting Barclay.”   
“Just meeting him?” Beverly raised her eyebrows.   
“Yes.” Darcy let out a nervous laugh. “Just meeting him.”  
“Looking pretty fancy for just meeting a friend.”  
“Well.” Darcy’s hand went to the back of his neck in embarrassment. “The person I like will be here…”  
“Oh, and you’re hoping to be noticed.”  
“Yeah, for something other than bumbling around.”  
“Have you talked to this person yet?”  
“No.” Darcy squeaked his reply, thankful that he could see his friend approaching. “Gotta go.”  
“Bye, have a good time!” Beverly shook her head, chuckling slightly as she walked away. He was so much like her son it was almost scary.   
#####  
“Good seats.” Barclay sat down with his drink in his hand. “I like being this close to the front.”

“Stop it.” Darcy scowled. “We’re here.”

“At the back.”

“I’m comfortable here, and you’re here only to lend moral support.”

“And so I am.” Barclay sat back. “When is this supposed to start?”

“In about five minutes.”

“Then I’m going for another drink.”

Darcy sat quietly waiting, watching people stream in and fill in the seats between his comfortably-towards-the-back seats and the front row, where Dr. Crusher sat next to an empty chair. Moments before the band entered, an older man with a balding head strode across the room and sat next to her, leaning over to whisper something to her. Whatever it was had her smiling. 

Darcy looked away as Barclay sat down next to him. “Got what you wanted?”

“Sure did.” Barclay smiled. “Hot pretzel?”

“Oh, yeah. Haven’t had one of those in ages!”

Barclay handed over half of the pretzel and the men sat in companionable silence as the band began tuning up. 

The band started playing, and Barclay leaned over. 

“So which one?”

“The guy on bass.”

“Never met him, I don’t think.”

“You’re no help.”

“I suppose I could stand up and shout out your unrequited love.”

“You do, you die.”

“That sounds like an interesting proposition.”

“I think I really do hate you sometimes.”

“Nah.” Barclay reached over and rubbed Darcy’s head, messing up his hair. “I’m just that cool uncle that you never knew you wanted.”

“I never knew you wanted to be a cool uncle.”

“Neither did I, actually.” The two chuckled and Darcy put his napkin into Reg’s cup when the man wasn’t looking. He raised his glass to take a drink, and then   
glared at his friend. “It’s my turn to hate you. That was the perfect Sumarian Sunset.” 

“Guinan can make you another.”

“If I don’t sic her on you first.”

“SHHH!” came from their side loudly, so they settled back down to listen once more, elbowing one another when they thought the other was getting too wrapped up in the music.

#####

The concert was over, and the attendees were milling around, waiting for the band to finish putting away their instruments before rejoining them for cocktails.   
Concerts were a major part of their relaxation style, and the Enterprise crew knew how to prolong their relaxation as well as they knew how to work and make things happen.

“Darcy, Reginald.” Beverly motioned to the two men. “Ensign Darcy Taversham, I’d like for you to meet Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Captain, this is Ensign Taversham.”

“It’s a pleasure.” Jean-Luc shook the younger man’s hand and gave him a quick once over. Perhaps he’d been wrong in assuming the paperwork for the ensign was correct. 

“Thank you, Captain.” Darcy grinned at Beverly. “The concert was great.”

“It was. How did you two like it?”

“I liked it, but he kept elbowing me.” Darcy shot a glare at Barclay. 

“I did…” The older man smiled slightly. “I would say I didn’t, but I have to admit I did a few times.”

“Were you two the ones talking?” Bev looked at them, her eyes wide and disapproving.

“He asked me a question!” 

“You two are terrible.” 

“Hey, I’m just here for moral support.”

“Moral support?” Jean-Luc looked between the two laughing engineers. “Why would you need moral support to attend a concert?”

“Darcy doesn’t get out much.” 

“Ok, I’m just gonna go die now.” Darcy glared at Barclay. “I can’t believe you just said that in front of the Captain. Thanks, buddy.”

“Any time.” 

“Enough!” Beverly was laughing as she called a halt to their pretend hostilities. 

“Perfect timing. Here come the musicians.” Jean-Luc shook his head, not knowing what to make of Barclay. He’d seen the man in all sorts of situations, but never on a date… or was this a date? Jean-Luc decided he didn’t want to know. 

After another round of applause, the band came over to greet the captain, as was the custom when he was in attendance. After, they greeted Beverly, who in turn introduced them to their companions. 

“Gentlemen, this is Lieutenant Reginald Barclay, and this is Ensign Darcy Taversham.” 

“It’s nice to meet you.” A tall Bajoran spoke for the group. “I’m glad you could make it.” He glanced at Darcy before looking at the others.   
The group walked away, and Beverly leaned in towards Darcy. 

“Which one?” Darcy bit his lip and rolled his eyes towards the tall Bajoran who had spoken with them. He nodded slightly when she raised her eyebrows and cocked her head. 

Jean-Luc watched them with interest, more convinced than ever that the paperwork for the young ensign needed to be corrected. He’d have to ask Beverly later.

####

Three days had passed since the concert, and while Darcy hadn’t seen or even discovered the name of his crush, he was still happy he’d gone. He’d had lunch with Guinan, and she’d questioned him endlessly about his friendship with Reginald Barclay, until he’d finally said something along the lines of adding to his family. She’d sat back then with a satisfied smile, as if she’d known what his answer would be and just wanted him to admit it. 

“I have an appointment this afternoon.” He sat back, his face becoming serious. 

“Oh?”

“Yes. I’m heading to Councilor Troi’s.”

“Do you want company?”

“I think I’ll be ok.” He gave her a watery smile. “Will you be around if I need to talk after?”

“Absolutely.” Guinan smiled confidently at him. “You’ll do fine.” She reached across and patted his arm. “Go on. Get outta here.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He squeezed her hand and left. 

#####

“I’m glad to see you here, Ensign Taversham.” Deanna smiled warmly. 

“Thanks. Um.” He sat nervously. “What should we cover today?”

“I thought today we’d get to know each other a little better, and maybe let the conversation carry us to where we need to go. You know, counseling and therapy doesn’t always have to be intense and hard.”

“I guess I’ve never experienced it any other way.”

“Well, from what I read, you’ve never had a counselor who really wanted what was best for you.”

“How did you know? I didn’t put a lot about my former therapy in my letter.”

“I can sense your emotions, but I also got your old records. After reading your letter, I felt it was important to find out exactly how your former therapists handled situations.”

“Did you think I was crazy?”

“No. Never.” Deanna motioned for him to sit, as he was still standing nervously in front of the couch. “I can sense when someone is being dishonest, and knew you weren’t.” 

“That’s good.”

“Yes, it is. I’m glad you’re so honest. It will help. However, I’d like to say something before we get started.”

“What’s that?” He picked at his nails nervously, and she almost reached over to stop his fidgeting before he made himself bleed. 

“I’m sorry for what others have done. I know I can’t go back in time and stop them, but I’m so sorry.” 

“I’m glad the letter helped you.”

“It helped you.” Deanna smiled. “Yes, it will help me help you, but you helped yourself a great deal.”

“I’m glad.” He chuckled nervously. “I had Dr. Crusher look it over to make sure it made sense.”

“You did?” Deanna sat back in surprise. 

“Yeah.” Darcy ran his hand through his hair. “She stopped by my quarters one night after she’d tended to an emergency in one of the holodecks. She was just down the hall, so it wasn’t an issue to drop by. She said she was missing her son. We had dinner in the officer’s mess, and then I asked her to read the letter to make sure it made sense.”

“Well, I know you two have spent a lot of time together and have gotten to be good friends. I’m glad you’re making friends.”

“Guinan and Barclay are great, too.” 

“Barclay tells me you’re playing Paresis Squares with them now?”

“Yeah. I got overconfident and broke a couple of ribs. It was pretty funny.”

“It was funny to break bones?”

“Well, maybe not right then, but it’s a funny story now.” He grinned. “Dr. Crusher was chewing out Commander LaForge for letting me get hurt.”

“Oh, you have to tell me this story.” Deanna smiled at him, encouraging him to tell his story. She laughed at his description of play, and then felt sympathy when he talked about how badly breaking his ribs hurt. However, when he got to telling about how Dr. Crusher and Guinan ganged up on him with the space-ship version of chicken noodle soup, ice cream, and coddling.

“They did what?”

“They showed up at my door at intervals. I’m not even kidding! If I was late for a meal for the next week, they were on my COMM bugging me!” Deanna laughed as he waved his hands, then looked at her seriously. “You know, I used to want my mom to care, right? Well, if that’s what it would have looked like, damn! It’s nice, but shit, give a man some breathing room!” Deanna laughed as the humor he was expressing with his face, voice, and emotions rolled over her in waves. 

“What would they say if they could hear you?” Darcy wiggled his eyebrows.

“They’ll send me to bed without dessert.” 

Deanna was no longer sure if she was in a therapy session or a comedy club, but it didn’t matter. She had the feeling that this was exactly what he needed to overcome his fear of speaking with her. 

#####

“Beverly, you were right.” The two ladies sat at tea with a plate of cookies between them. “I’ve gotten him to open up a little bit in other settings, but the way he opened up today…”

“You got to see a glimpse of who he is?”

“Yes! I got to sense and see behind the pain, the anger, fear, and uncertainty. I can’t wait to see who he becomes over time.” 

“Watching him step into his sense of self and security is a bit like watching Wesley every time he’d come up to some new concept that he couldn’t quite figure out yet.” 

####

Darcy walked into Ten Forward and headed for his usual table. 

“Hey.” A deep voice he recognized sounded at his ear and he turned around.

“Hi.” Darcy felt his face flame as the Bajoran he found so attractive stood before him. 

“It was nice to meet you at the concert the other night. Thanks for coming.”

“I was glad to be there.”

“My name’s Dibuhl Esorn.” 

“I’m Darcy Taversham. I’m glad to meet you, you know, really meet you, and not just… I should shut up now.” He blushed and looked away. 

“I was hoping to ask you to join me for dinner, so please don’t go too quiet on me.”

“D-dinner?”

“Yes.” Esorn laughed. “The meal we eat here?”

“Hey, boys.” Guinan walked up to the table they stood beside. “Will you two be dining together tonight?”

“Yes.” Darcy smiled as he answered. 

“Can I start you out with a beverage?”

“I’d love a Long Island Iced Tea.”

“What’s that?”

“Long Island Iced Tea is a delicious and alcoholic drink native to Earth that Darcy’s introduced me to. Would you like to try one?” 

“Sure.” The two sat as Guinan walked away. She remembered when Beverly had first returned and saw Wesley come in with a young lady. She wondered if the good doctor would be coming in for her usual Thursday night dinner with the captain, and if so, what would her reaction be? Hopefully a calmer one than when Wesley first started to date.


	5. Teaching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy gets a little long-winded when Geordi asks him a question in preparation for dealing with the J'naii. Discussion of intersex, transgender, similarities/differences. Also a brief touch on sexuality.

I forgot to say in the beginning of this story (but I’m sure it’s painfully obvious), that I don’t own Star Trek TNG, any characters except for those I create as I go along, nor do I own any bits of the original story lines. (If I did, there’d have been a few changes, just sayin’.)

As a teen, I was enthralled with the episode "The Outcast", and am heading towards that episode. One bit that always stuck out to me was how the bridge staff, during their poker game, talked about how easily the engineering staff was working with the J'naii, when so many others had issues. This has made me consider many times how this happened. 

######

“Hey, Darcy!” Geordi LaForge called after the younger man who was walking in front of him. “Got a minute?”

“Sure.” Darcy shrugged. “What’s up?”

“It’s kind of a private matter, so would you be willing to meet me in my office in about fifteen minutes?”

“Yes.” Darcy’s eyes widened and his face flushed. “Am I in trouble?”

“No.” Geordi shook his head firmly. “I literally have a question on how to handle something I need to talk over with someone, and I think you’re the best one.”

“Oh, yeah, um sure.” Darcy nodded. “I’ll be there.”

“Good.” Darcy exchanged looks with Barclay, who shrugged. He didn’t have any idea of what Geordi’s issue would be. Normally, the man went to Data.

####

“What’s up, Commander?” Darcy sat nervously as he spoke. 

“We’re going to go meet with a population of humanoids who are gender non-binary, and we in the engineering department are going to be the main contacts.”

“Ok, so how can I help?”

“I need to get our department ready to work with dozens of people who are physically neither male nor female, but also don’t identify as either male or female. I don’t even know what their pronoun is, or if they have one.”

“Ok.” Darcy took a deep breath. “Do you want me to out myself to the entire department?”

“Absolutely not.” Geordi looked offended at the suggestion. “I just need help in understanding how to get my engineering team to work with people and not ask embarrassing questions while they do it. I mean, I’ve got loads of questions running around about you in my head, and I’ve asked some, but others I’ve not, and it’s all because I know you’d be ok with some, and not with others.” Geordi looked away for a moment. “I’ve talked with a couple of other engineers who have been on other ships and have had contact with the J’naii, and they don’t feel as if there was any conflict, but they did note that the J’naii seemed pretty uptight. I want to have a relaxed and good working relationship with everyone. We’ve got limited time, and that means no time for nonsense and misunderstandings over offensive remarks or questions.”

“How will you begin even approaching this with the department?”

“I’m not sure, and that’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about. It’s unfair, I know, but you’ve had to deal with this your whole life. Any advice you’d have would be appreciated.”

“Honesty.” Darcy shrugged. “I know I hide, but experience has taught me I need to. These folks will be here, and they’ll only be here for a while, right?” Geordi nodded, so Darcy continued. “You need to be honest about their pronouns, but leave their bodies alone. No one needs to know what anyone else’s body is like.”

“How do you explain your gender?”

“My gender is male. That’s it. If people push, I can tell them I’m a non-binary male, because I’d really rather be more femme than I am, but I’m a guy.” Darcy chewed his lip for a second. “You see, where so many get confused is the whole idea that a person’s body is their gender. It’s just not so. A person’s sex is found written on their body. Their sex is found in their chromosomes, naturally occurring hormones, gonads, and genitals.”

“So where does transgender fall?”

“Transgender falls within gender. Gender is a person’s understanding and view of themselves within society as well as how they see themselves. Sometimes a transgender person feels the need to take hormone therapy and have surgeries to change their body into how they feel they should be. For example, a transgender person with xy chromosomes who does not have an intersex body will be labeled a boy at birth because of their phallus and testicles, right?” Geordi nodded. “But this is wrong for that person. Their chromosomes may say they’re a boy, but their view of themselves, their understanding of their place in society, and their emotions all tell them they’re a girl. They are girls who grow up to be women, no matter what their outer body looks like or what their chromosomes say.” 

“I thought…” Geordi stopped and cocked his head to the side. 

“Well, let me finish explaining, ok?”

“Sure.”

“It’s the same for transgender men who are labeled girls at birth. Just because society wants to say that sex and gender are the same thing, it doesn’t mean they are. Not all transgender people choose to take hormones or have surgery, either.”

“If they don’t have surgery or take hormones, how are they transgender?”

“Because gender isn’t found in a person’s body. Gender is found in a person’s mind, will, and emotions. Gender is a person’s sense of self. Senses of self don’t need surgery, hormones, or anything else, for that matter, to be correct.” 

“So a person can be transgender and have an intersex body, or they can be transgender and not have an intersex body, and the only difference will be their body and some experiences related to their body, but that’s it.”

“Sort of.” Darcy smiled. He felt like he was making headway. “Intersex people face human rights violations that non-intersex, or endosex transgender people don’t. I think Dr. Crusher told you a bit about these, right?” Geordi nodded. “These surgeries are forced on intersex infants and children who are not given the opportunity to make informed decisions about their healthcare, bodies, reproductive rights, and so on. 

“It’s different for endosex transgender people, because they are making these decisions often as adults, sometimes as children, but they’re making fully-informed decisions based on information given from doctors and they’re not forced into surgeries. In fact, they have to fight for the surgeries. So in a way, we’re on two sides of the same coin. 

“Intersex people have to fight a battle to not be operated and forced into hormone therapies that mutilate their bodies, which of course robs them of bodily integrity, reproductive justice, and often sexual function, while transgender people without intersex bodies have to fight for the surgeries they want to make their bodies reflect their gender.”

“Are transgender people without intersex bodies as, I don’t know, valid as transgender people with intersex bodies?”

“Absolutely!” Darcy’s eyes widened. “Most intersex people are not transgender or non-binary, actually. We’re all just pissed off about the human rights violations and want them to stop. We should have the right to say what happens with our own bodies, the same as anyone else!” He took a deep breath.   
“Transgender people who are not intersex still have a huge battle to fight, Commander. There’s confusion about mental illness, which has been debunked so many times it’s pathetic that people would still believe the lies, there’s confusion over sex being gender, and so many things that make it hard for endosex transgender people to get the proper care they need.”

“Do you know a lot of transgender people who have problems?”

“I do.” Darcy nodded. “I don’t know as many as I know in the intersex community, because I spend most of my time with other intersex folks, but I do know several transgender people who are not intersex, and they’ve faced all sorts of problems when trying to transition and be who they know they are. It’s damned unfair. Society just needs to butt out of other’s lives.” 

“How does anyone deal with it?”

“There’s lots of ways. One of the biggest issues is not conflating the two, meaning intersex and transgender, when working towards equality. When issues get conflated, everyone loses. For instance, reproductive justice can look totally different for intersex people than it will for transgender people. When the issues get confused and mixed together, misunderstanding leads to “solutions” that aren’t good for anyone. So keeping the two separate is a touchy and difficult process, but it’s necessary and worthwhile.” 

“Why is it hard?”

“Misunderstandings.” Darcy frowned. “It’s hard because both the intersex and transgender communities have been hurt so badly by society that we turn on each other. Sometimes, those of us who are both intersex and transgender end up in the middle, sometimes we end up arguing with people who would have or could have been friends, and sometimes we spend so much time explaining differences even to those in the communities, that we lose sight of the end goal, which is equality in a society who believes we’ve reached it. 

“There’s also a lot of fear. I know a lot of intersex people who were abused into fitting into their labeled gender and sex categories, and as such, are afraid and angry at intersex people who are transgender. Then I know transgender people who have been so abused by society for trying to live as who they are, that they believe the lie that it’s easier somehow to claim an intersex identity than just be an endosex transgender person, but again, I have to lay that at the feet of those who abused them. They don’t set out to be mean, or to cause harm to one group or the other, or to cause confusion when going for reproductive justice for each group. They’re doing what they believe is best for themselves based on what their life experience is. While I can be frustrated at that, I can’t be angry with the person themselves, but I can be furious with the society that causes them to be in their situation.”

“What’s endosex again?”

“Endosex simply is anyone who has a body that is not intersex. Like you, Commander. Your body fits in the categories of male and female, no matter what your gender is.”

“Some endosex transgender people literally say they’re intersex because they believe it’s easier for them?”

“Well, let’s create a fake situation and see how you’d react, ok?”

“Alright.” 

“Let’s use your hair as an example. You have curly hair, right?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, is there anything you can do about your curly hair?”

“No.”

“Because you were born with it, right? It’s innate to you?”

“Absolutely.”

“Ok. So let’s make your curly hair your gender. But here’s the catch: curly hair is a “woman” thing. “Men” have straight hair.”

“But I am a guy.”

“Ah, that doesn’t matter. What people see is your curly hair. They all see you as a woman.”

“Ok. I think I follow you so far.”

“Alright, now, you know you’re a man. You’ve always known it, even as a small child, well before you were brave enough to say anything.”

“That sucks.”

“It does.” Darcy nodded. “Then it gets worse for you.”

“How?”

“You want to have straight hair, because you know in your heart that you’re a straight hair.”

“Ok.” 

“Someone calls you mentally ill for wanting straight hair.”

“That makes no sense.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t.” Darcy nodded. “It makes no sense at all. You find yourself being made fun of, being called terrible things, being compared to child molesters, rapists, and all sorts of horrible people. You carry this day in and day out. You hear these terrible things day in and day out. You can’t explain why you know you should have straight hair. You just do. You just know it with every fiber of your being.”

“Dude, that’s hard to take, even just sitting here.”

“Yes, it is. It’s stressful. Now imagine that you meet or hear about people who have physical differences with their hair follicles, so they’re not always seen as male or female. Sometimes they have curly hair follicles but their hair is straight. Sometimes they have straight hair follicles but their hair is curly. Sometimes they have a combination of hair follicles, and sometimes they have hair follicles that are unique to them, and they’re literally the only ones who have those types of follicles. You don’t know about the terrible treatment they faced growing up because of their hair, you only heard of their follicle differences. Someone said that you were kind of, sort of, in a way like them because you know you should have different hair follicles. Would you want to identify as one of them out of desperation for stopping the hateful comments and actions coming your way?”

“Yeah. I guess I would.”

“Yes. It’s understandable why they’d fall for the pseudoscience, right? Once they learn that, unlearning it is hard. Accepting that people with different hair follicles are abused in a different way that’s often more harmful during childhood, still face all the same things you do with your curly hair, and may even be deselected against, abandoned, or killed at birth because of their different hair is hard to learn, accept, and undo. So many fight. It’s pretty common, actually. Mark Twain was so right when he said it was easier to convince people to believe a lie than it is to convince them to believe they were lied to. So are transgender people who coopt intersex struggles bad? No. Are they hurt and trying to survive? Yes. Do we all need to work together for justice for each other? Absolutely, and along the way, we can’t forget compassion and understanding.” 

“That’s confusing, man.”

“It is.” Darcy smiled. “The biggest obstacle any of us face, and this applies to anyone who is different, is that we’re fine just as we are. We don’t need to justify our existence to anyone. We don’t need to validate ourselves for anyone else. We don’t need to explain why we are the way we are, and we sure as hell don’t need to be ashamed of ourselves just because society says we should be.”

Darcy took a deep breath and looked down at the floor. “I am so sorry, man. I just got preachy. Like, lecturing preachy. I’ll shut up.”

“It’s ok! That’s kind of the first time you’ve ever opened up like this. I feel like I learned a lot.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No, but I know who to come to if I have other questions.”

“Ok. I’m still sorry to have talked that much. That’s way more than what you asked for.”

“It’s ok. Really. Now that I’ve got a firm grasp on sex, gender, their differences, and how they’re not really connected except for a person having both sex and gender, how do I talk to the engineering team?”

“I’d tell them that we’re going to be working with non-binary people, and leave it at that.”

“What’s your definition of non-binary? How can I explain that better?”

“Non-binary is a fairly large spread, but I’ll try to keep it easy.” Darcy grinned. “Non-binary can mean what it does for the J’naii, and a person has no gender, meaning they don’t identify as either male or female, and they use pronouns such as they/them/theirs, or ze/zir, or simply their first name. Non-binary can also mean that they don’t stick within their gender-lines. That means that a man can wear a skirt and carry a purse while using the men’s room, because he identifies as a man, but doesn’t feel the need to honor society’s gender nonsense.”

“Where does sexuality fit into all of this?”

“A person’s sexuality is who they love, and apart from being easily explained by a link to gender, is a whole different category. I identify as a man. Since I’m attracted to men, this means I am a gay man. You identify as a man and are attracted to women, which makes you straight.”

“I am so glad I’ve got you to explain this to me.”

“I’m so glad you’re willing to learn.” The two men shared a smile before laying out a basic plan to prepare the department for working with the J’naii in a respectful, productive, and timely way.


	6. An Outcast No Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Enterprise works with the J'naii. This covers the episode The Outcast, but from Darcy's POV, along with some happenings around the ship.

Darcy woke with a smile.  He and Esorn had gone out almost every night for the past two weeks.  Twelve dates… if you counted that first dinner in Ten Forward as their first date.  They’d sat and talked until Guinan kicked them out, as she was done cleaning and wanted to go to bed. 

_“Go, you two.”  She’d shooed them towards the door.  “I’m old!  I’m tired!”  Darcy laughed at her._

_“If you’re old and tired, then I’m a moose.”_

_“Better find your antlers, young man.”  She glared at him.  “Go on.  Get out of here.  I’m serious.”_

_“We’re going.”  He held up his hands in surrender.  “Want to see if a holodeck is open?  We can talk more.”_

_“Why don’t we go back to my quarters?”  Esorn nodded with his head in the general direction of his room.  “I promise I’ll behave.”_

_“Sounds good.”  Darcy linked his arm through Esorn’s, then looked nervously up at him.  “Is this ok?”_

_“Sure.”  The taller man bent his elbow and placed his hand over Darcy’s.  “I kinda like it.”_

_“Me, too.”  Both grinned and walked slowly down the hall, talking the whole way.  Guinan watched them go with a smile on her face.  She hoped the two of them could make it work, as she’d rarely seen two people so good for each other._

_Both dealt with past trauma, misunderstanding, and a lot of fear.  If they could find a way to make their painful pasts part of their combined strength, they’d be unstoppable._

#####

Darcy sat in a corner of Ten Forward with his boyfriend, Esorn, sitting cattycorner to him.  They had a basket of chips between them.

“How was your day?”  Darcy popped a chip into his mouth as he asked.

“It was long.”  Esorn stretched.  “Lieutenant Worf had us running drills all day.  I swear that man has more energy than any one Klingon has the right to.  How was yours?”

“That sucks.”  Darcy looked down.  “Are you still up for the holodeck?”

“You didn’t answer my question about your day.”

“It was interesting.  Geordi asked me to help him get ready for a joint mission with a race called the J’naii.  They’re non-binary and he wanted to know how to prep the engineering department.”

“That’s intense.”  Esorn took Darcy’s hand in his.  “I’m proud of you for doing something like that.  It has to be scary.”

Darcy looked down.  “I kind of wish I’d had someone doing that for me as a kid.  I guess that makes it easy to speak up.”

“Which makes you brave.”  Esorn pressed a kiss to Darcy’s fingers.  “Are _you_ up for the holodeck?”

“I spent three hours planning this!  Of course I am!”  Darcy laughed as he pulled his hand away and stuffed his mouth with chips.  “It’s almost our time.  Are you ready?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”  Esorn grinned.  “I like it when it’s your turn to plan dates.  Those batting cages were fun last time.” 

“Well, then, I hope this time won’t disappoint.”  Darcy wiggled his eyebrows. 

“I doubt it.”  Esorn leaned forward, and Darcy met him half way in a quick kiss.

Across the room, Guinan stood wiping down the bar while Beverly Crusher sat sipping on a hot toddy.

“How long have they been dating?”  Beverly’s eyes widened.  “I’ve not seen Darcy much in the last two weeks, and he’s been much happier, but I didn’t know he was dating.” 

“They’ve been in here for dinner almost every night.”  Guinan smiled softly.  “I think Darcy’s almost afraid to say anything, for fear he’ll jinx it.”

“That’s…”  Beverly nearly said something about his fears being foolish, but stopped herself.  “…a leftover from some past trauma, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”  Guinan gave a steady look to her friend.  “He’s working through some pretty tough feelings that he doesn’t want to bother Esorn with.”

“Not talking about things could lead to big problems.”

“It could.”  Guinan raised one of her eyebrows.  “But I happen to know Darcy has someone in his corner who is good at giving advice to her son, who happens to be about Darcy’s age.”

“I wouldn’t know how to give him advice.”  Beverly shook her head.  “Deanna…”

“Do you really think he’s going to talk to someone he’s still a little afraid of?” 

“No, I guess not.”  Beverly sighed.  “I’m supposing there’s a reason you want me to talk to him instead of you?”

“Yes.”  Guinan smiled.  “I’m a weird and funky aunt.  You’re not.”  She gave Beverly another pointed look before turning to care for another guest.

“Hi!”  Darcy was walking past with his hand entwined with Esorn’s.  He stopped at Beverly’s side, and the tall Bajoran smiled, somewhat unnerved to be stopped and obviously expected to converse with one of the highest ranking officers on the ship. 

“Hey, Kiddo.”  Beverly smiled at the couple.  “How are you?  I’ve hardly seen you since the concert.”

“Geordi’s been having me help him get ready for the upcoming mission with the J’naii.”

“And the week before that?”  Beverly raised an eyebrow and nodded her head toward Esorn.

“I was getting to know this absolutely adorable Bajoran.”  Darcy grinned up at his boyfriend.  “Esorn, this is Doctor Crusher, Doctor Crusher, Esorn.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Esorn.”  Beverly shook the nervous young man’s hand. 

“Thank you.  It’s nice to meet you, too.” 

“I’ll let you two get on with your date.   Have a good night, boys.” 

“Will do!”  Darcy leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to Beverly’s cheek before dragging his boyfriend toward the exit.  “We promise to stay out of sickbay!”

“You’d better!”  Beverly laughed as she turned back toward the bar to finish her drink.

#####

“I remembered what you told me about a game you played in your camp, and it reminded me of roller derby.”  Darcy grinned.  “We’re not going to roller derby yet, because Dr. Crusher would kill me if we got hurt, but I want to teach you how to roller blade.”

“Roller blade?”  Esorn looked at his diminutive boyfriend through squinted eyes. 

“Yep!”  Darcy held up two pairs of roller blades.  “Like you’d roll on four wheels that are in a square, we do it with four wheels in a line.  It’s a bit different, almost like ice skating, but I think you’ll pick it up fast.”

“Are you sure this is really something humans do?” 

“Absolutely.”  Darcy rolled his eyes.  “I’m not mean enough to teach you something that doesn’t really exist.  Come on.  Let’s change on the bench, and I’ll skate first so you can see the movements, then follow along on the wall until you’re comfortable moving away from it.”

The pair changed into their skates and Darcy skated out to the floor, doing figure eights and then a large circle. 

“Now you try.”

“I think I’ll be fine away from the wall.”  Esorn snarked as he stood…and promptly fell.  “What?”

“You have to balance differently.  That’s the only reason I think you should stay along the wall.  It helped me when I was first learning to go from skates to blades.”

“Fine.”  Esorn accepted help and then slowly moved around the deck, keeping a hand on the wall as he learned to find his balance.  It wasn’t long before he’d figured it out, and the two were skating in the middle of the room.

“What’s this roller derby you were talking about?”

“It’s a contest with people on roller blades.  Want to watch a game?”

“Sure.”  Darcy headed for the side of the room and motioned for his boyfriend to follow.  “Computer, load Taversham program 34, roller derby.” 

The scene before them changed, and Darcy led them to seats right at the edge of the track. 

“So they just race around the track?”

“No.”  Darcy grinned.  “This match is a good one.  There’s gonna be a fight, a couple of broken bones, and we’re far enough away to not get splattered, but someone’s gonna lose some teeth.”

“Ah.  And this is why you didn’t want us to play this until I’m better at skating.”

“Exactly.”  Darcy nodded.  “The last time I played it, Dr. Crusher got a little mad.”

“What’s up with the two of you, anyway?”

“I don’t know.”  Darcy shrugged.  “She’s been nice, and I’ve been teaching her.”

“Always the advocate.”  Esorn reached over and took his hand. 

“I’m the first person like me she’s ever met.  If she meets a kid, I would rather she’s familiar enough with what intersex is, and not just my type, to help them and not say something unintentionally mean.”

“You’re a good man, Darcy Taversham.” 

“Nah, I’m just too noisy to shut up.”  He leaned over and rested his head against the taller man’s shoulder and sat watching, enraptured, as his favorite game of roller derby played out before them.  He laughed as Esorn expressed alarm at the violence. 

“Have you showed this game to Lieutenant Worf?”

“He grew up on Earth. He’s probably played it.”

“He’d be terrifying.”

######

“Alright, everyone.”  Geordi looked around at his team.  “Are we all clear on their pronouns?”

“Yes, Sir!”  Voices rose up in agreement.

“There will be no insensitive questions.  Answer any that they ask, and if they invite questions, remember that you can only ask respectful questions that you’d want asked of you.  If you’d not want to have to answer it yourself, then don’t ask it!”

“Yes, Sir!” 

“Good.”  Geordi nodded.  “I’ll have no problem putting anyone on report who disobeys these rules.  Got it?”  Everyone nodded.  “Then let’s go save some J’naii lives!”  He dismissed his team and motioned for Data to begin the landing sequence for the first J’naii ship. 

Darcy stood nervously at his station.  Geordi wanted him working with the J’naii closely, not only because he was talented at his job, but he could also help deter any uncomfortable moments by being a liaison between the two groups.  Unbeknownst to he and Geordi, those who were closest to him had already begun quietly teaching the other engineers about the variations of sex development, and all of engineering was far more ready for this interaction than either of them knew.  

The department-wide education had begun shortly after Darcy’s paresis square’s accident, when rumors began to spread.  Barclay and a few others began pulling their coworkers aside and teaching them.  Darcy had noticed a decrease in comments and an increase in acceptance, but assumed it was because Geordi had cracked down on anything he heard or saw. 

With a firm belief that his Commander had his back, Darcy stepped into his role as liaison with confidence.  He nodded to Geordi as he heard his crewmates using the J’naii’s proper pronouns.  The alien crew relaxed into working, and soon formed teams with the Enterprise crew.  

#####

Darcy stood nervously in Beverly Crusher’s office door. 

“Doctor Crusher?”

“Hello, Darcy!”  Beverly smiled up at her young friend.  “How can I help you?”

“Can I talk to you a minute?”

“Sure.”  Beverly shut her monitor off and folded her hands on her desk.  “Have a seat.”

“Thanks.”  He cleared his throat nervously. “I, um, I’m not even sure of where to start.”

“Having problems with Esorn?  It seems like you’ve been so happy.”

“No, we’re great.”  Darcy grinned.  “I do want to talk to you about him, but no, that’s… I’m not here about him.”

“Ok.  So what’s got you so nervous?”

“It’s Commander Riker.”  Darcy ran his hand through his hair. 

“What about him?  I know he’s been spending time with one of the J’naii.”

“He has.”  Darcy nodded.  “I think it’s been really good for zir, too.”  He swallowed.  “I just, um, I’m not sure he really get it.”

“Gets what, Darcy?”

“He’s putting zir in danger.”  Darcy’s eyes widened and he flushed.  “He doesn’t mean to!  I know that.  I know he cares a lot about Soren, but I also know that the others are watching zir.”

“Zir?” 

“It’s a pronoun that I’m used to using. Sorry.”  Darcy shrugged.  “A lot of my friends use it, and I default to it.”

“That’s ok.”  Beverly smiled encouragingly at him.  “Do you think Soren is aware of the danger?”

“Yes.”  Darcy nodded.  “They’ve got to be.  I’ve asked what happens if one of them has a gender like male or female, and their answers were all the same.  They uphold their non-binary status like humans uphold the male-female binary.”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.”  Darcy bit his lip.  “I don’t think I should talk to Commander Riker.  I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Are you afraid of outing yourself and maybe getting into trouble?”

“Probably.”  Darcy shrugged.  “Do you think maybe you could say something to him?  I don’t want him to be mad, but I also don’t want to see Soren get hurt if they start a real relationship.”

“Do you think they will?”  Beverly’s eyes widened. 

“I think maybe they have.”

Beverly nodded and thought for a moment, recalling the conversation she’d had earlier that day with Soren, and Riker’s uncharacteristic concern over the welfare of a non-shipmate.  “I don’t usually get involved with my fellow officer’s lives beyond medical concerns, but if he comes to me at all, I’ll talk to him.  Is that an ok solution?” 

Darcy nodded.  “I guess so.  I can see how you’d not want to start the conversation with him.”

“Exactly.”  Beverly nodded.  “Now, tell me about this boyfriend of yours.” 

####

Darcy had been gone from Sickbay for nearly an hour when Beverly got back to her office to finish paperwork following an emergency from a cliff-diving yet accident-prone ensign. 

She turned on her monitor and quickly ran through four messages, dealing with them quickly and moving to the next.  The fifth gave her pause, and she put her head in her hands.  That kid really was too perceptive for his own good sometimes.

“Crusher to Riker.”

“Riker here.”

“Will, can you come to Sickbay, please?”

“Is anything wrong?”

“No, but I do need to see you when it’s convenient.” 

“I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.” Beverly could hear the excitement in his voice and sighed to herself.  She was going to have to find a way to deny his request.

“Very good.  Crusher out.”

Twenty two minutes later, Riker strode into her office. 

“Right.  Where do I sign.”

“Will, it’s a little more complicated than that.”

“What?”  He shrugged.  “I’ve had relationships with aliens before.”  He lost his smile.

“There are cultural differences, emotional complexities, and very real legal and social difficulties, especially for Soren.”  Beverly nodded for him to sit.  “Are you aware that their anatomy is different from ours?  You have to take her body into consideration.”

“Are you saying she can’t have sex?”  Riker sat back.  “She’s a woman!”

“A woman with a body that is constructed differently than what you’re expecting.”  Beverly fought the urge to roll her eyes.  She wondered if this is what Darcy went through if and when he was intimate with a partner for the first time.  She nearly choked on her next breath as she decided she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

#######

Beverly Crusher walked into Ten Forward the next morning to meet Darcy and Esorn for coffee.  She’d cancelled her standing breakfast date with Jean-Luc, and knew he was curious, but she didn’t feel she should say anything until she had the two young men’s approval to discuss their relationship with their captain.  She nodded to Will, who looked away quickly, still stinging from her rejection of his request. 

She knew he didn’t understand fully why she had to reject his desire for a relationship with Soren, and wasn’t entirely sure she could explain it to him.  If he couldn’t understand that he was putting her in danger, he had no business pursuing a relationship with her anyway, no matter if it was purely physical or a long-term romantic relationship.   

“Good morning!”  Darcy waved her over to their table.  “Esorn will be here in a minute.  He ended up covering Stacy’s shift for a bit this morning.”

“Oh?  Is she ok?”

“Yeah, she is.”  Darcy smiled.  “She’s had a bit of morning sickness, and Marc wanted her to get checked out.  Esorn said he’d watch her post while she ran to sickbay.”

“That’s nice of him.”

“He has four older sisters.  He said he spent a lot of time around pregnant women and that morning sickness is nothing to laugh at.  I guess he got puked on a lot.”  Beverly chuckled as they the door, eager for the handsome Bajoran to make his appearance.

Across the room, Deanna and Will sat watching the pair. 

“I wonder what’s up with those two?”  Riker shook his head.  “You’d think she’d be happy to not have to look after anyone now that Wesley’s at the academy.”

“William Riker!”  Deanna slapped his arm.  “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you’re not pleasant this morning.”

“No, I’m not.”  He drank the last of his coffee.  “I’m tired of someone telling me what I can and can’t do, based on beliefs they hold.”

“Who’s keeping you from doing something?”  Deanna’s eyes widened as he narrowed his eyes at her.

“I’ll see you on the bridge.” 

Will nearly ran in to Esorn as the Commander plowed through the door. 

“Wow.  I pity whoever he’s mad at.”  Beverly looked uncomfortable for a moment. 

“You talked to him, huh?”  Darcy grimaced.  “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have…”

“No, you absolutely should have.”  Beverly shook her head emphatically.  “I’m glad you did, and I’m glad you came to me instead of approaching him.  Believe me, it’s for the best.”

“I’m sorry if I cost you a friendship.” 

“Stop apologizing.”  Beverly waved her hand.  “He’s been mad at me before, and he’ll be mad at me again, I’m sure.”   She looked between the two young men who had exchanged a quick kiss upon greeting.  “Tell me about yourself, Esorn.” 

“Why do I have the feeling I’m meeting my boyfriend’s mother?”  Esorn blushed as he realized what he’d said.  Guinan came along and sat in the fourth chair.

“Because you’re meeting a committee of women who love this goofy fellow.  I know you, but she doesn’t.  I promise, I’ll keep her from biting.” 

Darcy sat in sheer happiness as he talked with three of the people who meant the most to him on the Enterprise.  Deanna sat across the room, regrouping and gathering her emotions after Will’s outburst.  She ran through all their recent conversations and interactions, and could find nothing that he could justifiably be upset with her for.  His anger had spiked when Beverly entered the room, but Deanna doubted it was the doctor.  Beverly always did her best to maintain peace, even if it made her uncomfortable in the process. 

She watched as Esorn turned red and stuck his tongue out at Darcy, who in turn covered his face with his napkin and laughed.  Beverly and Guinan were sharing in their humor.  It was a wonderful sight, and one that Deanna kept in her mind as she closed her eyes to meditate for a moment. Waves of happiness rolled over her, and she felt a keen sense of belonging and rightness.  Sometimes, being an empath was a wonderful thing. 

It seemed that they just sat down when it was time to report to their various duty stations. 

“I can’t believe it’s been an hour already.”  Beverly looked at her watch.  “I’ve really got to get going, but I’ve enjoyed this.  Esorn, it’s been nice getting to know you better.”

“It’s been nice getting to know you, as well.”  He stood and shook her hand as Darcy stood to accept a quick hug. 

“Have a good day, boys.”  She waved to Guinan as she turned to go.  “See you all later.”

####

Jean-Luc appeared in her office doorway at lunch. 

“I’m heading to the holodeck for lunch.  Would you care to join me?”

“What’s the occasion?”

“Will’s rather upset this morning, and frankly, I’m tired of sitting in my office to escape him.  So I’m going to San Francisco for lunch.”

“Sounds lovely.”  Beverly motioned for him to lead the way.  “Where exactly are we going?”

“I thought we’d walk along and choose a place once we’re there.”

“Sounds wonderful.”  She nodded to Alyssa Ogawa and followed the captain from sickbay.  “I can spare an hour or two for lunch.”

Jean-Luc and Beverly shared falafel as they strolled along the beach. 

“So what’s this I hear about your skipping breakfast and meeting two younger men?”  Jean-Luc smiled softly at her as he spoke.

“I’m sorry.”  She knocked her shoulder against his.  “I met with Darcy and his boyfriend, Esorn.”  Her cheeks tinged a slight pink, and Jean-Luc found it endearing.  “I wanted to size him up a bit.”

“Missing Wes?”

“Yes, but also realizing that Darcy’s never had anyone care.”

“He’s not had family?”

“None that ever accepted him.”  She looked away, realization of how much the simple act of caring may mean to the young man. 

“Not even before he disclosed his sexuality?”

“No.”  Beverly took Jean-Luc’s hand, bringing them to a halt.   

“Darcy’s difference is more than with his sexuality, Jean-Luc.”  Beverly bit her lip.  “Do you remember the circumstances of his transfer?”

“Just that he came at a rather difficult time to accept a new crew member, but that he came highly recommended by his commander and captain.”

Beverly started and stopped several times before choosing her next sentence. 

“Do you remember our conversation two days ago in which we talked about how well engineering is doing with the J’naii?  How smoothly and peacefully it’s all going, and how there’s not been the embarrassing situations or cultural standoffs that other ships have experienced?”

“Yes.”  Jean-Luc nodded.  “I’m quite proud of Geordi, Data, and their work in getting the department ready for this assignment.”

“It wasn’t all Geordi and Data.”  Beverly bit her lip again.  “Darcy understands what it’s like to be the J’naii.  He understands and he helped Geordi and Data get engineering ready.”

“How can he understand?”  He waited while she stared at some far-off point.  “Beverly, how is it that he understands?”  Jean-Luc ran his hand down Beverly’s arm and watched in concern as a single tear rolled down her face. 

“Because he’s like them, and he has to live every day on this ship with people who don’t understand him and that he’s afraid of, because what will happen when they find out?”  She hugged herself tightly as she spoke.  “He’s been mistreated so badly for his body, Jean-Luc.”  She stopped speaking and leaned against him, melting into his chest as his arms wrapped around her. 

“Tell me about him, Beverly.”  He leaned his head on hers as she spoke.  He didn’t understand it all, but he finally realized why she’d been so drawn to this gangly youth who seemed afraid of being noticed, even for exceptional work. 

She talked about their first horrible appointment when she’d said things that had upset him, and how she’d had to resort to badgering Guinan to goad him into showing up for his intake.  She talked about how Guinan had come and spoken with her before her second appointment with Darcy, which helped her prepare mentally for not making more mistakes, no matter how unintended they were.  She talked about her research, and the horror she’d felt the night Darcy had asked her to read his letter to Deanna and she’d matched his experiences to various reports she’d read and studies she’d uncovered in her quest to learn more about intersex and individuals living with bodies outside of the male/female expectations. 

“I just don’t understand, Jean-Luc.”  She backed away from his embrace and paced, wiping her face as she spoke.  “I’d always seen the Federation as a bastion of freedom and equality.  Since meeting Darcy and learning, I’m wondering how we’ve failed people so badly.” 

She huffed and threw her hands up.  “Might as well come out with it.”

“Come out with what?”

“I’m the reason Will’s so mad today.”  Beverly tangled her fingers in her hair, nearly tugging on her tresses.  “He wants to have a relationship with Soren.  She’s one of the J’naii researchers, and Darcy came to me with concerns.  His concerns were valid, Jean-Luc.  He’s lived this, and he knows how people would treat her.”

Beverly sobbed out a laugh.  “He’s right when he says that people would accept her better than they have accepted him, because at least she’s an alien.” 

“Why would Darcy speaking with you make Will angry?”

“Because I denied his request for a relationship!”  Beverly began pacing again.  “He doesn’t get it, Jean-Luc!  I tried talking with him, but he doesn’t see how he’d put Soren in danger, let alone any children they may have.  He also doesn’t see how he’s endangered her among her own people!”  Beverly hugged herself again.  “She’s in danger, Jean-Luc.  It’s not entirely Will’s fault, but he’s certainly not helped.  She’s just as vulnerable on that planet as Darcy was on the Ajax, and the only way to save him was to get him off that ship!  We may not have the same option with Soren.  What if…”  She stopped and put her hand over her mouth.  “What if the damage is done and it’s already too late?”

####

Twenty-four short hours later found Will Riker pacing in Jean-Luc’s ready room.  He was a mixture of distraught and angry, and Picard found he had no words of wisdom for the man who had failed to heed Beverly’s warning only a day before. 

“They’ve got her locked up like a criminal.”  Riker pounded his fist against his leg.  “There’s nothing wrong with her!”

“I know that, and you know that.”  Jean-Luc felt sorrow for both of them, but he had to follow the Prime Directive, and it was his duty to remind the Commander of his obligation.  “I cannot give you permission to violate the Prime Directive, Commander.”  He watched as his words sunk in. 

“I’m going down there.”

“Be careful.”  Jean-Luc meant his warning with his entire being.  “If you go too far, I’ll not be able to save you.”  Riker swept from the room as if he’d not heard the last phrases.  Jean-Luc sat down heavily. 

“Picard to Doctor Crusher.” 

“Crusher here.”

“Beverly, could you join me in my ready room, please?”

“I’ll be there in a moment.  Crusher out.” 

Beverly Crusher hurried to the bridge, where she pressed the chime to announce her arrival.  The door slid open, and she entered to the scene of Jean-Luc calmly ordering a cup of tea. 

“Would you like one?”  He motioned to his cup.

“No.”  She shook her head.  “I’m sure you didn’t invite me up here just for tea.”

“You are correct.”  Jean-Luc sighed.  “Commander Riker has gone to the surface in an attempt to rescue Soren from J’naii justice.  It seems he kissed her and was seen doing so.”  Beverly gasped.  “She’s been arrested and is awaiting trial for perversion.” 

“Jean-Luc…”  He held his hand up, and she sat quietly. 

“I offered to intercede for her, but he was certain any attempts at diplomacy would fail.  He’s hoping to rescue her from the court hearing.”

Beverly sat in stunned silence for several minutes.  “What if he can’t?”

“He will either have to leave her there to face the consequences alone, he’ll have to stay with her and hope the J’naii will not follow through with their non-binary gender enforcement which would effectually end her feelings for him, or he’ll have to violate the Prime Directive to bring her back, which would most likely end his career.”

The pair sat in silence until he was called to the bridge to oversee the placing of warning beacons that would alert any future ships from entering the pocket of emptiness.  Beverly returned to sickbay.  Her stomach flopped at the knowledge of what was most likely happening to Soren.  She wondered how Will would deal with the guilt, or if he’d ever forgive her for denying his request.  It was too late, but perhaps now he’d understand why she refused to run the tests and fill out the papers. 

######

Will Riker strode down the ramp and stood before his seat.

“Is everything finished down on the planet, Number One?”

“Yes, Sir.”  Will sounded as defeated as he looked.  “All finished.”

“Ensign Gates, preset coordinates, warp six.”

 


	7. Curve Balls And Pitfalls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy hears about Soren being left behind with the J'naii and doesn't handle the news well. Deanna helps Beverly understand the deep level of trauma Darcy is working through.

“Did you hear?”  Darcy turned away from the most recent gossip.  He knew he’d end up hearing it eventually, mostly because rumors spread at warp speed on the Enterprise.

“…then he left her down there!”   Darcy felt his stomach drop and he listened to the rest of the conversation. 

“He didn’t want to get into trouble with Starfleet, so he didn’t rescue her when he could have teleported her right out of there, and then when he went back, it was all done.  She was “fixed”.”

“I wonder what fixed means to them?”  Darcy tuned them out as he tried to focus on his duty.  His mind was spinning. 

He tried to keep himself focused on the readouts, yet part of his mind pelted away constantly with bricks from his past.  _Freak. Monster. Different. Problem. Disaster. Unwanted. Evil. Unacceptable. Unable to be loved._  The avalanche started off with single random, strung together words.  He still took readings and began triple-checking to be sure his entries were correct. 

His hands shook and he tried deep breaths as he began taking the fourth set of readings he needed.

“Darcy!”  Barclay’s voice broke through the hateful rhetoric. Darcy’s head snapped up, his eyes full of fear.   Reg put his hand on his shoulder.  “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.”  Darcy nodded, not aware that he was shaking badly enough that his friend could feel the tremors.  “I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not fine.”  Barclay took the tricorder from Darcy’s hands.  “You’re shaking.  What’s going on?”

“Remember when I talked to you about my concerns?”

“Yes?”  Barclay’s eyes narrowed. 

“Have you listened to the gossip today?”

“No.”  Barclay shook his head.  “You don’t usually, either.” 

“Couldn’t help it.  A couple of people were pretty loud.”  As he spoke, Darcy wrapped his arms tightly around himself.  “I’m sorry.  I should get back to work.”

“No, you should tell me what’s got you so upset.”  Barclay sighed.  “I know I don’t understand, and I know you felt like you weren’t alone for a short time, but I’m here.  So is Esorn, Guinan, and everyone else you call friend.  Can you talk to one of us?”

“He left her.”  Darcy’s voice caught.  “The gossip is that I was right.  She’s been left behind.  He didn’t save her.  She’s…” 

Barclay stood in uncomfortable silence.  He hated not knowing what to say, but what could he say?  Darcy reached for his equipment, and Barclay nodded and handed it back.

“I’ll come help you in a few minutes.”

“Thanks, but I’ll be fine.”  Darcy swallowed hard, even as Barclay nodded.

####

“Ex-excuse me, Commander?”  Barclay stood nervously outside Geordi’s office.  He wasn’t sure if he was breaking some sort of trust or an unspoken agreement, but Darcy wasn’t fine, no matter how much he said he was.  He just didn’t know what to do about it.

“Yes, Reg?  Excellent work these past few days, by the way.”  Geordi grinned.  “This is gonna look good on all of our records.”

“Thank you, Sir.”  Barclay nodded curtly.  “Um, I’m not…” 

“What’s wrong?”  Geordi didn’t like how nervous his Lieutenant was.  The man had been gaining confidence, especially since becoming a friend and mentor of sorts to Ensign Taversham.

“I’m not sure I should say anything, or who I should talk to, but um, Ensign-ensign Taversham is having, um, he’s having some problems.  The gossip on the ship…”

“Gossip?”  Geordi’s head snapped up in surprise.  “What are people saying about him?”

“Not him, Sir.  Um, the J’naii who was left on the planet and the officer who had tried to have a relationship with her.”

“Shit.”  Geordi pulled up the records for Darcy’s input and shook his head.  There was a marked and steady decline over the past two hours.  “Ok, give me a few minutes, and I’m going to try to get him somewhere less… stressful.”

“Thank you.”  Barclay smiled in relief and headed back to his young friend.  He grabbed a tricorder and took over for Darcy, who was now standing still, swaying slightly, as if he might fall over. 

“Sir?”  Reginald looked up as Geordi approached.  “I think we need some help.”

####

“Darcy?”  Deanna Troi stood before the distressed man.  “Ensign Taversham?”  She gently touched his arm, and he recoiled. 

“I’m sorry.”  His voice shook.

“What are you sorry for?”

“I’m behind on my work.”  His eyes stared unseeing at a distant point.

“Your work is done.”  Geordi nodded, as Barclay had quickly finished the last of the task in minutes.

“I’m sorry.”  Darcy’s voice still shook, yet it was quieter than it had been.

“You’ve got no reason to be sorry.  You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“I…”  Darcy looked around frantically.  He became alert to the fact that he was being stared at by numerous people.  Geordi, Reggie, Deanna… it seemed as if those three made up half of the ships’ population. “I gotta go.”  He tried to run past Deanna, but Geordi stopped him.

“Hey, it’s ok.”

“No, it’s not.”  Darcy pushed weakly at the Commander.  “Move.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“Stop it!”  Darcy’s fists flew to his face, as if protecting himself from some unseen assailant.  “Stop it!”

“Stop what?”

“Being nice when I’m fucking up!”

“What are you messing up?”  Geordi carefully avoided repeating Darcy’s language, hoping it would help settle the distraught man down.

“Living!”  He pushed past Geordi and ran from engineering, not caring if they chased him or not.  He needed his room.  His room was safe. 

#####

Deanna’s eyes widened as she heard his last word of “living”.  His jagged emotions and tenuous hold on his behavior made her fear for his safety.  She didn’t believe him to be suicidal, but she did worry that his decisions would be guided by fear, distrust, anger, and shame.  That was a worrisome mix of emotions for anyone, even in the middle of a good day. 

She considered her options for another moment before deciding that Darcy’s well-being needed to come before any potential career fall-out.

“Councilor Trio to Security.”

“Security.”

“Ensign Taversham just left engineering in a distraught state.  He is not a danger to anyone, but needs to be brought safely to sickbay.”

“Yes, Sir.”  There was a pause.  “Security out.”

######

Darcy ran into a body in the hall and nearly fell over.  The other person seemed to barely register the impact, and Darcy focused on the red chest of the person with growing despair.  Command.  He’d run into someone in command. 

Inside Darcy’s head, trauma rushed forward, demanding to be acknowledged.  Medical trauma, humiliation, shameful things he’d experienced, taunting, bullying, and other abuses fought for space in his head.  He imagined Soren enduring all of those things for the rest of her life, while the person she’d endangered herself for flew away to safety without a second thought. 

“Are you alright?”  Jean-Luc Picard grasped Darcy by the shoulders to steady him. He patted the younger man’s shoulder in an attempt to get him to focus his glazed eyes.   “Do you want me to contact Councilor Troi for you?”

“No!”  Darcy’s eyes widened in panic.  He couldn’t believe he’d been dumb enough to lose his shit here.  Red.  All he could see clearly was red.  Riker wore red.  His panic-filled brain created an angry man and an airlock.  Darcy’s chest heaved as Picard let go.

“Doctor Crusher?  Do you need medical attention?” 

Darcy didn’t register individual words.  It sounded as if the other person was speaking through a tunnel that was submerged in water.  One word reached him, and it was “medical”.

“No!”  Darcy nearly screamed the word and dodged around the Captain.  “Leave me alone!”

####

“Ensign Dibuhl, you will join Ensigns Masters and K’lan.”

“Yes, Sir.”  Esorn looked at Worf for a moment and wondered if he should disclose his relationship.  Seconds later, he decided it wasn’t the time and followed his fellow security personnel from the office.

They tracked Darcy’s location as they ran.  Esorn’s comrades all knew of his relationship, and tensions ran high. 

“He’s entered his quarters.”  K’lan looked over to Esorn.  “Do you want to go in and check on him?”

Esorn nodded and stepped forward.  This wasn’t how their night was supposed to go.

They had been supposed to meet in Ten Forward before going to the holodecks for one of his planned adventures.  Esorn had been looking forward to showing Darcy the countryside where he’d grown up, complete with fire-flies that spit tiny bits of flame when angered.   They’d made for hours of fun as a child, when he’d gone tramping through the tall grasses with a jar and net.

He could hear the shower running along with another softer noise he didn’t immediately recognize. 

“Darcy?”  He walked to the table and set his things down, grateful that his boyfriend’s roommates were both on duty.  “Babe?  Are you here?”  Darcy had called him that once, and while he’d originally laughed at being referred to as an infant, he’d found the term growing on him and had discovered Darcy enjoyed it, referring to the absurdity as “an endearment”. 

He entered Darcy’s room and stopped cold in the door.  He froze for a moment before going to the shower and turning it off.  He flipped of the heat lamp on the ceiling and walked back to the bedroom. Darcy had yet to acknowledge his presence, but that didn’t surprise Esorn at all.  They had discussed their traumas before, and Esorn had seen many people over his life shut down. 

He took off his shoes and sat carefully on the bed next to his partially dressed boyfriend.  He wrapped an arm around Darcy and felt gratitude when the shorter man curled into his shoulder.  They sat in silence for several minutes before Esorn reached down and pulled the blankets up around them. 

Dr. Beverly Crusher poked her head in the door and began speaking, stopping herself when Esorn held a finger to his lips.  She nodded and stepped back, staying close enough to listen, but not in Darcy’s view. When Deanna entered, she stood close to Beverly, maintaining the same hidden posture. Out in the hall, Esorn’s security team waited patiently, reporting to their commander only that the ensign in question was in custody and that help had arrived. 

“You’re freezing.”  Esorn held Darcy tightly, hoping the man would warm quickly.

“He…he…”  Darcy choked on his words. 

“He?”  Esorn looked down in shock.  “Did someone hurt you?”  His eyes clouded over with fury.

“No.”  Darcy shook his head.  “He…”  He broke down sobbing, not even trying to speak.

“No one hurt you?”  Darcy shook his head through his tears.  “You’re sure?”  A nod. “Did someone hurt someone else?”  Darcy nodded, his fingers clutching Esorn’s shirt.  “Can you tell me who?”

“Com…com…com…”  Darcy hiccupped with each attempt at the word. 

“Commander?”

“Yeah.”  Darcy’s voice shook.  “He left her.” 

“What?”  Esorn fought off the frustration he was feeling.  “Who got left?”

“Soren.”  Her name came out in a low wail, and Esorn’s eyes flew wide.  He’d heard the rumors, but they’d been little more than gossip fodder for their commander’s infamous love-life. 

Out in the main part of Darcy’s shared quarters, Deanna and Beverly exchanged worried glances.  They’d had concerns over Will’s relationship, but Deanna hadn’t realized the full impact it would have on Darcy.  Beverly walked to the door and dismissed the security detail.

“Your services are no longer needed.” 

“We’re supposed to stay…”

“I’m the Chief Medical Officer.”  She glared at Ensign Masters.  “If I tell you we’ve got it, I mean that we’ve got it.”

“Yes, Sir.”  With a curt nod, the two left, wondering what was going on in the room.

#####

“He’s settling down a bit.”  Deanna took a deep breath as she surveyed the emotional climate from the room. 

“I think Esorn has him well in hand.”  Beverly smiled sadly at the picture of the two men cuddled beneath the blankets.  “I would like to skip sedation if we can.”

“Do you think he’ll be alright until morning, or should we try to get him talking tonight?”

“As his doctor, I’d suggest rest.”  Beverly bit her lip.  “I’m concerned about leaving him alone, but know that Esorn will stay with him, especially if he’s asked.”

“I want to see him first thing tomorrow morning.”  Deanna peeked in the room herself finally.  “His emotions are less volatile, and I really can’t see that trying to talk to him now would get us very far.  I think he’s still too upset to be coherent.”

“That awful place where medication doesn’t really help but the distress is there.”

“Yes.”  Deanna sighed.  “It would be nice if a magic pill could erase the symptoms of complex PTSD.”

“Let’s go sit for a minute.”  Beverly nodded towards the couch.  “I’m not comfortable leaving just yet.”

“I’m not either, honestly.”  Deanna sat on one end of the couch, kicking off her shoes and pulling her feet up next to her, sitting in a comfortable position she often took in her own quarters. 

“You’ve called Darcy’s condition complex PTSD, instead of PTSD, which is the term you’ve used before with other crew members, including our captain.  Why do you call his complex?”

“PTSD is based in a traumatic event.”  Deanna looked away for a moment.  “Typical PTSD, often called “simple PTSD” is based on one or one short-term traumatic event.  Battle, assault, a witnessed accident, and so on, can all cause PTSD.  It’s how a person’s brain manages the sudden trauma.”

“Right.”  Beverly nodded.  “I’ve learned to recognize some symptoms, such as flashbacks, avoiding people or places, and so on.  What’s different for Darcy?”

“He’ll experience the same four symptoms as everyone with simple PTSD.  For instance, his initial refusal to be examined is how he displayed avoidance of a traumatic situation.  He re-experiences the trauma, which is what you explained to me from that time when he demanded to be let go from your office.  He was beginning to panic, and I’m very glad you let him go.  Keeping him there would have solidified you as a person to fear in his mind, because you would have been linked to trauma. 

“He also often hyper aware or hyper aroused.  An example of this is that he knows where every single person is around him.  One of the compliments Geordi has about him is that he almost always knows where his coworkers are and what they’re doing.  That’s not because he’s helpful or wanting to impress, but because it’s a skill he’s learned over time for self-protection.  The fourth symptom is a little harder to see, but think of his humor.”  Deanna leveled a look at her friend.  “When is he his funniest?” 

Beverly sat and thought for a moment.  “He’s funnier and more sarcastic when he’s scared.”

“Yes.”  Deanna nodded.  “His level of discomfort matches his level of humor.  He can be very quiet and subdued in a group he knows well, or he can be the hyperactive life of the party.  An example of this is when he had me laughing so hard during his first appointment with me after having read his letter.  He wasn’t sure how I’d react, so he reacted with more humor than necessary, hoping to overcome the negativity.”

“But you weren’t negative.”

“No.  He was.”  

“I had never thought that he evidenced trauma so often.”

“For someone with complex PTSD, it’s a daily struggle.  His trauma was years-long.  It wasn’t a single event, nor was it for an understood time.  His trauma also began before what we call the “formative years”, or when his personality really began to form.  He was traumatized even as an infant, but didn’t have the ability to express himself.  That trauma, however, is still present.”

“How does this all show itself?”  Beverly rested her head on her knee. 

“Think of how he talks about himself.”

“He’s always very careful about how he says anything.”

“Exactly.  He’s quicker to put himself down than he is to admit he got something right.  He’ll belittle himself and then be upset when you call him out on belittling himself.”

“I guess I’d not noticed that.”

“Because with him, it’s a fine-tuned skill.”  Deanna smiled sadly.  “Without turning this into a four hour conversation on his mental health, I’ll give you a quick rundown.”

“Which you know I’ll ask you about more later.”

“I know.”  Deanna sighed.  “He struggles daily with feelings of shame and of being different.”

“He is different.”

“Yes, but he feels it more keenly and sometimes can’t see his value as a person because of all of the past voices.  We have voices that support and encourage, he has voices that shame and silence.  He still battles those, and probably always will.  He sometimes loses himself in his activities.  While that’s not always a cause for concern, it is for him.  It’s a form of disassociation.  He can step away from reality and the pain of life for a little while.”

“Is that why you watched his holodeck activity so closely for a while?”

“Yes, but he disassociates in a different way.  For example, how hard was he playing when he broke ribs during that paresis squares game, and what was it you were telling me about how he got hurt in a roller-derby he’d downloaded?”

“He was losing himself so fully he got hurt?”

“Perhaps, or he’s found a way to self-harm without anyone asking questions.  There was a time when many would cut themselves.”

“Cut themselves?”  Beverly’s voice rose nearly an octave.  “Is this something you think he’s going to do?”

“No, but I think he’s going to continue playing games and getting hurt for a long time.  In fact, after this, I suspect you’ll see him frequently in sickbay for injuries.”

“How can we stop him?” 

“We can’t.”  Deanna shrugged.  “The only thing I can really do is help him learn better, healthier ways of dealing with his trauma.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“Then we watch for signs that he’s becoming a danger to himself.” 

“What else?  I feel like you’re holding something back.”

“Practicing being an empath, are you?”

“No, but you have this look on your face, and it’s not a good one.”

“He will always struggle with trust issues.  He’ll have a hard time if things don’t work out with Esorn, and may not date again for a long time, if ever again.”  She held her hand up to stop Beverly’s comment.  “You and I would get that a relationship just didn’t work, but he would feel as if he was flawed on some basic level that would taint any future relationship.  It’s part of his difficulty with seeing meaning in his life.  He can see how valuable everyone is except for himself.  Based on his emotions, I think he believes he could die and very few would care.”

“But he’s got lots of friends.”

“He does, but he doesn’t believe they actually like him.”

“What?”  Beverly’s eyes widened.  “What do you mean?”

“He believes most of us tolerate him because we can’t get away from him.” 

“Oh, my gods.”  Beverly wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or shout.  How could he feel that way?

“One of the most difficult things he’ll always deal with is what’s known as an emotional flashback.  People with simple PTSD have flashbacks when presented with a situation that reminds them of the traumatic event.  With complex PTSD, emotions can and will trigger flashbacks.  He’ll feel off, and not know why, sometimes for days.  It could be that he walked past someone with a facial expression or someone who was putting off a certain energy.  For being a non-telepath, he has an incredible ability to perceive what’s going on around him, especially the emotions and energy of others.  This is a skill he’s learned for safety, but it’s also a weakness, as it makes him vulnerable to other’s moods.

“He’ll have regular flashbacks made worse by emotional stress, and then it will couple with his negative self-view, which will be compounded by…”  She shrugged.  “Pick any one of the symptoms and pile it on.”

“How do we help him?”  Beverly wiped her eyes.  “I can’t even imagine.”

“Don’t coddle him. He doesn’t want that.  He’s far from weak, and it would hurt him to be thought of as weak.”

“He’s incredibly strong.”  Beverly nodded.

“Patience, understanding, empathy, and compassion are great places to start.”

“I can do that.”

“Don’t take passive aggressive behavior too personally for a little bit.  He’s going to be struggling after this.  If he gets mad and lashes out, come back in a day or two.  Let him know you’re still here.  He’s going to be angry and not be able to control himself.  He’ll lash out.  I just don’t know how it will look for him.  The captain becomes more formal and demands quiet and alone time, which you’ve learned to invade after a brief time.  Darcy may yell, he may even tell you he doesn’t care if you care about him.  But it’s not going to be true.”

“I think I can do that.”

“Talk to me about the hurt.  Because it will hurt.”  Deanna shrugged.  “You care about him greatly, which will make his anger painful.  It’s ok to be hurt.  Just please don’t give up on him.”

“Never.”  Beverly reached out and held Deanna’s hand for a moment.  “Thank you for explaining all of this.”

“You’re welcome.”  Deanna smiled.  “While it’s a pretty bad thing to say, I’m glad Esorn grew up in a camp like he did.  He understands Darcy.  The problem is, is that he understands Darcy.” 

“So watch for two self-destructing ensigns?”

“Probably.”  Deanna bit her lip.  “It’s going to be hard on Esorn emotionally to help Darcy, which will set him off on his trauma-based issues.  They’re as good for each other as they are dangerous.”

“But they’ve got us.”

“Yes.”  Deanna’s eyes lit up.  “They’ve got us.”

####

In the bedroom, Darcy sat with his head resting on Esorn’s chest. 

“Are they still out there?”  Darcy’s voice barely reached his boyfriend’s ears.

“I think so.”  Esorn moved to get up and check, but Darcy tightened his arms. 

“Don’t leave me.”

“I’m only going to check…”

“No!”  Darcy tightened his hands on Esorn’s shirt.  “I don’t care.  Don’t…”

“Ok.”  Esorn pressed a kiss to Darcy’s head and relaxed back into the bed.  “Alright.  I’m not going anywhere.”

They lapsed back into silence.  Darcy’s mind raced along with panic he was afraid to express, while Esorn wondered if he was able to help his boyfriend or if he should ask the councilor or doctor to come in.  He could hear soft voices and sighed.  It was both unnerving and relieving to know they were there.

Esorn lost track of the time as he sat quietly with Darcy.  He looked up when Beverly entered the room.

“How is he?”

“I think he’s sleeping.”  Beverly nodded as she pulled a tricorder from her pocket.

“That’s good.  Sleep will help.”  She scanned his body as she spoke.  “His stress levels are evening out.”  She smiled down at Esorn.  “You’ve done an amazing job with him.  Deanna would like to see him first thing in the morning, and I’d like to see him after.  Are you alright with staying with him tonight?  If not, either one of us can stay.”

“We’ll be alright.”  Esorn smiled tiredly.  “I’m not sure I’d sleep if I went back to my quarters.”

“I understand that.”  Beverly reached out and ruffled Darcy’s hair.  “Call if you need anything.  If he wakes up and can’t get back to sleep, please don’t hesitate to contact me directly.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”  Esorn yawned and Beverly chuckled. 

“Get some sleep, young man.”

“Thanks for staying to make sure he was ok.”

“Absolutely.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow unless you call before.”

Within minutes, Beverly and Deanna left their quarters and headed to enjoy their respective evenings.

“What plans have you had foiled tonight?”

“Nothing much.  Just my standard dinner with Jean-Luc.”  Beverly stifled a yawn.  “How about you?”

“Will had asked me to join him on a holodeck for a jazz concert.”

“You don’t sound too thrilled with the idea.”

“I like jazz, but sometimes I’d really like to listen to some other music.”

“I sometimes feel that way about classical music.” 

“Oh, the things we do for our men.”  Deanna rolled her eyes.  “That we’re not dating, of course.”

“Of course.”  Beverly smirked as the doors to the turbolift closed behind them.   

####

“How is he?”  Jean-Luc handed Beverly a glass of wine after she’d kicked off her shoes.

“He’ll be alright.”  She took a sip and shook her head.  “Who am I kidding.  He’ll survive, the same as he always does.  He’ll struggle for the rest of his life with days like this, and there’s not much any of us can do to help.”

“Surely Deanna…”

“Deanna broke his trauma down for me in a very scary way, Jean-Luc.  Never, ever ask her to break it down for you.”  She took another sip of wine.  “Just trust me on that.”

He pressed a kiss to her forehead and moved toward the replicator. “What would you like for dinner?  I’d planned something simple like shrimp scampi, but wasn’t sure if you’d be up for seafood tonight.”

“Your mother’s recipe?”

“I’ve programmed no other.”

“I’d love it.”  She cleared her throat.  “Would you be willing to make three plates?”

“Three?”  His eyes flew to her face.  “Are we expecting company?”  She smiled at the use of “we”, when they were very much in his private quarters.  

“I thought I’d invite Guinan.  She’s incredibly close to Darcy and I’d like to catch her up, just not in public.  Ten Forward would be entirely inappropriate, and I’m not sure I’d be up for going to her quarters later.” 

“Absolutely.”  Picard smiled and placed his order for dinner.

Two hours later, when Guinan left following an emotionally-involved discussion on Darcy and how to proceed, Beverly smiled tiredly at her friend. 

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“For understanding.”  She pulled her knees up, sitting in her favorite position, with her head resting on her hands.  “I miss Wesley, don’t get me wrong, but Darcy isn’t a Wesley-substitute.  I think I’d be as involved with his life if Wesley were here.”  She chuckled.  “He used to ask me for a brother.” 

“I know.”  Picard cocked his eyebrow.  “I had to remind him more than once when he was a child that we weren’t going to be having children.”

“That stinker.”  Beverly laughed, hiding her face in her hands.  “You have no idea how many times I had to tell him to not bug you.  We weren’t dating, and that was that.”

“Apparently a few more times than you told him.”  Jean-Luc smirked.  “It’s alright, Beverly.  I didn’t mind.  I’m glad, after how distant my own father was, that he has always felt he could come to me.”

Beverly reached out and grasped his hand.  The two continued sitting in the quiet, sipping wine and lost in thought. 

“You should call him.”  Beverly looked over at her friend.   “Go on, you know you’re worried about him.  Ships time is nearly 8 hours off from academy time.  He’ll be up but probably hasn’t left for class yet.”

“Is it that late already?”  Beverly looked over at the chronometer and grimaced.  So much for being home at a decent hour.  “Do you mind if I call from here?”

“Not at all.  I think he half expects your calls to come from my quarters if it’s early morning or late night.”

“Oh, gods. What does that make him think?”

“That his mother has the same relationship with her friend he’s know his entire life.  Stop stalling.”

“Look at you, being all Mister Impatient.”  Beverly grinned as he kicked aimlessly at her with the foot he’d had on the couch.  “I’m going, I’m going.”

“Computer, place a call to Wesley Crusher, Starfleet Academy.”

Moments later, Wesley’s face filled the screen. 

“Hi, Mom!”  He waved.  “It’s kinda early.  Is everything alright?  You guys don’t usually call now.”

“We don’t, do we?”

“Well, I mean…”  Wesley broke into an embarrassed grin, and Jean-Luc laughed from across the room.  “Hi, Captain!”

“Hello, Wesley.”  He stood and made his way to the view screen.  “How many times have I told you that since I’m not longer your captain, you may call me Jean-Luc?”

“Maybe Uncle Johnny.”  Wesley grinned. 

“Don’t push it, son.”  Picard pretended to glower at the teenager.

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”  Wesley winked at his mother, who knew that mischief was headed her friend’s way.  It was only a matter of time.  “So what are you calling about?”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”  Beverly cleared her throat.  “Someone I care about is going through a hard time, and well, it’s made me look at my parenting skills, and I want to make sure I didn’t hurt you.”

“Hurt me?”  Wesley sat back, his face showing the confusion he felt.  “Mom, I think you better start at the beginning, and no, I don’t think you’ve ever hurt me.  I mean, there was that one time you threatened to tan my hide, whatever that means, when I spilled grape juice all over your dress, but…”

“If that’s the worst memory you have from childhood, then we’re good.”  Beverly smiled.  “You’re a good kid, Wesley Crusher.”

“You’re a good mother, Mom.”  Wes smiled back and then looked around his mother, searching for the captain he’d always known.  “Hey, Uncle Jean-Luc?”

“Yes?”

“Is Mom ok?”

“She is, or at least, she will be.”  Jean-Luc came over and put his hand on Bev’s shoulder.  “We’ve got a young man on board who’s a little older than you and is dealing with some pretty serious trauma based issues.”

“Oh.”  Wes grew serious.  “And Mom worried…”

“That between your father dying and being in space with all of the misadventures we’ve had along the way, that she’d somehow harmed you without realizing it.”

“Never.”  Wesley shook his head.  “Never, Mom.”  He held his hand up in the usual motion of “give me a minute” and replicated himself a cup of coffee.  “Tell me about him.”

“What?”  Beverly’s eyes widened. 

“What’s his name?  You don’t usually get so involved with people, Mom.  You said you prefer to keep professional boundaries in place.  So if this guy is worth breaking your rules, I’d like to know about him.”

Jean-Luc smiled as he walked away to get himself a cup of tea.  Beverly had done a fine job of raising that boy.  She often attributed him with having a part in his life, but the older Wesley became, the more certain Jean-Luc was that Beverly had instilled his best qualities.

Jean-Luc picked up the book he’d been reading for the past few weeks and divided his attention between the ancient pages and the voices of his “family” at the console. With a sip of his tea, he had that passing thought that this was how evenings off duty were meant to be spent.  True, he could have done without the emergency, but the rest of the evening had been most enjoyable.

He heard them beginning their farewells, and went to bid his surrogate nephew a good day.  They’d talked well into Wesley’s first class, but Jean-Luc was certain that the boy was competent enough to muddle through with anything he missed.  Beverly yawned and stretched, leaning back into the chair, finally relaxed.

"Come on, let's get you to bed."

Beverly’s eyes went wide.  "Here?"

"Unless you'd like me to walk you back to your quarters...."

"At this hour?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"People will talk if you're seen entering my quarters this late or if I spend the night."

"So? It's nothing the crew hasn't already speculated about, I'm sure." Jean-Luc brushed a bit of Beverly’s hair behind her ear. "Come, I'll even lend you my favorite pair of pajamas."

"Mm, the blue ones?"

Jean-Luc nodded.  "They're my favorite too."

 

 

 

 


	8. Retreating into Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy reacts to Soren being left behind with the J'naii. This chapter deals with complex PTSD and the fallout of related anxiety.

########

Darcy woke up, feeling groggy and disconnected.  He yawned and settled back down… until his brain began to filter through memories of the day before and he felt shame and humiliation crowding each other out for prominence.

“You’re awake.”  Esorn’s voice broke into his thoughts.

“For now.”  Darcy cringed.  What must this guy think of him?  “Why are you still here?”

“Dr. Crusher didn’t want you to be alone, and I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep if I went back to my quarters.  I’d be too worried about you.”

“You didn’t have to stay.”  Darcy shrunk away from the other man.  “I’m sorry I was so out of control.”

“You’re fine.”  Esorn tried to put his arm back around Darcy, only to find himself spurned once again.

Esorn’s mind raced with things to say, each one silenced, as he realized it would be seen as cold or callous.  Platitudes were useless, and he knew it.  He felt Darcy tense next to him.

“Are you ok?”

“Sure.”  Darcy pushed away, his voice sullen.  “I’m fine.” 

“You’re not.”  Esorn reached a hand out to Darcy, only to find it slapped away.

“I said I’m fine!”  Darcy’s voice rose in near panic as he got out of the bed and stumbled to the bathroom.  “Stop asking me if you’re going to not listen to the answer!” 

Esorn sat in shock as the bathroom door slammed.  He got up and walked to the door, only to find it locked.  “Darcy?”  He could hear things being thrown and cringed.  “Babe?”

“Don’t call me Babe!”  Darcy screamed as loudly as he could, pounding his fists against the door as he raged.  “Leave me the fuck alone!  You don’t understand!  No one here does!”

“I want to understand.”  Esorn placed his hand against the door gently.  “Please, Darcy.  Open the door and let me in.” 

“Fuck you!”  Something heavy thumped against the door, and Esorn did a mental inventory of everything heavy in there.  It had to have been the vase of flowers Ensign P’Vayal insisted keeping in there.  Good thing she’d agreed to plastic in case it got dropped. 

“Darcy…”  Esorn tried again.  “Come on, please open the door.” 

“NO!”  Esorn heard Darcy grunt with the effort of lifting something, and then heard a loud shattering sound.  Darcy shouted moments later, but in pain, rather than in anger.

“I’m coming in.  Enough of respecting your privacy.”  Esorn entered Darcy’s entry code and the door slid open to reveal his boyfriend standing there with a towel wrapped around his hand, blood dripping liberally down his arm.

“Ensign Dibuhl to Doctor Crusher!”  Esorn had slapped his COMM badge in a panic.  He hoped she meant it when she said to call if they needed anything.

#####

Jean-Luc grumbled as he heard the quiet chirruping of a COMM badge.  He brushed Beverly’s hair from his face, picking one stray strand from his tongue.  He reached over her still-slumbering body and slapped the nightstand, hoping he’d hit the badge instead of knocking it off, preferably before Beverly woke.

“Picard.”  He mumbled his name as he heard the connecting chirp.

“I-I’m sorry, I’d called for Dr. Crusher.”  Esorn stumbled over his words as Jean-Luc’s eyes flew open, suddenly alert. 

“One moment.”  He could hear quiet crying in the background, and rightly assumed it was the young man dating Ensign Taversham.  “Beverly.”  He shook his bedmate gently.  “Beverly, you’ve got an emergency call.”

“I’m off duty today.  Have them call Dr. Selar.” 

“It’s Esorn calling about Darcy.”

“Oh, no.  Is he ok?”  Esorn could hear covers rustling and wondered if they realized he could hear them.  “Did he say what…”

“He’s still on the link, I believe.  I’ve not shut it down.” 

“Can you replicate another shirt for me?  This one’s dirty.  Oh, and find my shoes.  I think I left them by the door again.”

“Absolutely.” 

“Esorn?”  She finally turned her attention to the COMM badge lying on the table.  “What’s going on?”

“Darcy’s hurt!”  She was finishing dressing and pushing her feet into her shoes while he spoke.  “He woke up angry, and I don’t know what I did, but I made him worse. He locked himself in the bathroom, and then I heard him cry in pain.  Help, please!  He’s bleeding.  I…”

“I’m on my way, Crusher out.” 

“Should I alert security?”  Jean-Luc was on his feet, unsure of what he should do, if anything.

“No.  I’ll call them if I need to.  He probably needs a few stitches and a sedative.”

She finished speaking as the door swished closed behind her, and Jean-Luc sat back in his chair, contemplating the complexities he’d not known existed.  He wondered if there were other members of Starfleet who faced the same problems, and what captains did who found them among their ranks.  He debated a few moments before deciding that while he’d normally refrain from getting personally involved in crew member troubles, this was a special circumstance and therefore required a more thorough answer.  After all, if the man was to be having breakdowns often, his senior staff needed to be on alert, and as captain, it was his job to at least have a basic understanding of Starfleet procedure.

Beverly used her medical overrides to enter Darcy’s cabin.  She took in the sight of Esorn trying to drag his struggling boyfriend from the bathroom.

“Esorn, let him go.”  She spoke as calmly as she could.  Thankfully, the man listened and released his hold. 

“Darcy?”  She took a step forward and winced as her shoes crunched on glass.  “Come on.  Take a deep breath with me.”  She put her hand on his chest and took a deep breath herself.  “Breathe with me.  Can you do that?”  He closed his eyes tightly but nodded as he drew in a deep breath and held it.  “Let it go.”  His air left in a whoosh, and she led him through several moments of breathing before encouraging him to open his eyes.

“Dr. Crusher?”  His voice was weak after all of the yelling he’d done. 

“The one and only.” She smiled slightly.  “Now, you’ve gotten yourself into quite a mess here.  Esorn is going to put on his shoes before he cuts his feet, and then he’ll bring you your shoes.  Don’t move.  There’s glass everywhere.”  She looked down and frowned.  “What did you hit the mirror with?  I’ve never seen one shatter like that.  Break, yes, but not shatter.”  She spotted the cracked plastic vase and scattered flowers.  He had to have thrown it pretty hard.

“I think I hit it just right.”  He looked down and turned red as he realized he was still partially dressed in yesterday’s clothes.  While not a big issue normally, it became a new focus for failure.  “I’m so sorry.”

“We can get that replaced.”

“It’s early morning.  I’m sorry you got called. You’re off duty.  Why?”  He looked over to Esorn who had returned with his shoes.  The other man shrugged. 

“It’s ok, Darcy.”  She backed out of the bathroom and let the Bajoran in.  “I got the call that you needed help and I came.  If I minded, I’d have called sickbay.”

“I’m so sorry.”  Tears filled the young man’s eyes.  “I’m so stupid.”

“You are not stupid.”  Beverly rolled her eyes as she went about setting the servebot to cleaning the bathroom and sent a message to requisition a new mirror.  “You had an anxiety attack.  There’s a difference.” 

“I shouldn’t have…”

“Stop it.”  She spoke more firmly than she’d wanted, but he was beginning to spiral upwards again, and until he was dressed, she didn’t want to call Deanna.  Having his body paraded partially nude, even when he was in need of help, would only cause more panic. He did need to speak to someone, but not until he was presentable and a little more coherent.

“How did you cut your hand?”  While the wound didn’t look intentional, she had to make sure.

“I tried to clean it up.”  Darcy lowered his gaze.  “At first, it was just a big piece that fell, but then when I cut myself, I stood up too fast and hit my head.  That made the rest of it fall out of the frame.”

“Where did you hit?”

“Here.”  Darcy rubbed his hand gently over a spot on his head, and Beverly followed with gentle probing. 

“That’s quite a bump you’ve got.”

“I hit it pretty hard.”

“That must be when you yelled.”  Esorn grimaced.  “I heard the glass break, but was still trying to let you have space.”

“That’s ok.”  Darcy looked away again.  “You can leave if you want.”

Beverly shook her head to silence Esorn when he began to speak, motioning with her eyes for him to take a seat.  Neither of them were communicating well with the other, and she couldn’t see any benefit for them to keep talking. 

“Let me clean you up.”  Beverly began wiping carefully picking out the splinters she could see.  Thankfully there weren’t many, but the offending piece that Darcy had pointed to was sitting on the counter and razor sharp.  She’d save the lecture on not picking up broken glass for later.  Twenty minutes later, she had pulled the last shard from his hand and arm and had wrapped the still-seeping wounds carefully.  

“I’m going to go get a small regenerator unit to close up these wounds.”  She stood and straightened her clothing to the best of her ability.  “I’ll be back soon.  Esorn, if you could get some clothing out for him and help him dress, I’d appreciate it.  Just be careful of that arm.”

“Sure.”  He went over to his boyfriend’s closet and began pulling out Darcy’s favorite clothes. 

The two men sat in silence and waited for Dr. Crusher to return.  When she did, she was in a clean uniform, and Darcy winced at the sight.  He’d ruined her night completely.  He’d ruined everyone’s night.  Shit.  Would they use this as a reason to ship him back to Earth?  If anything, this proved he was incapable of doing his job.  He’d had to have Barclay help finish his day, and then he’d broken equipment, and he’d … He didn’t realize his eyes had glassed over and he’d begun breathing heavily again. He felt a hypospray against his neck, and then a calmness washed over him.

“Alright, just a few minutes with this, and you’ll be good to go.”

“I’m sorry I ruined your night.”  A tear leaked out of Darcy’s eyes as his speech slurred. 

“All I was doing was sleeping.”  She grasped his hand and shook it a little.  “I’m off duty today, so I can even go back to bed later if I want.”

“Still sorry.”

“And I’m still telling you to not worry about it.” 

She worked in silence for a few minutes and then nodded to Esorn, who helped his sluggish boyfriend stand up and walk back to his bedroom.

“Should he be this out of it?”         

“He’s coming down from an adrenaline rush along with that mild sedative I gave him.”  Beverly nodded as she spoke.  “He’ll be alright after some more sleep.”

“He slept pretty good last night, and only had problems when he woke up.”  Esorn looked sadly at his boyfriend.  “He told me to go away.  I don’t know if he meant it, or if he was just upset.”

“I’m sure he was just upset.”  Beverly smiled as encouragingly as she could.  “Don’t give up on him.”

“Will he be ok?”

“From a medical standpoint, yes.  However, I’d rather have Councilor Troi come and speak to him.” 

“Will he be awake for that?”

“Maybe.”  Beverly smiled sadly down at her unlikely friend.  “I think I know someone better to call first.”

“Guinan?” 

“Yes.”  Beverly nodded.  “I think he’ll do better if he’s feeling a little more balanced when he speaks to Councilor Troi.” 

“Sounds good.”  Esorn yawned and stretched.  “I need to go change for duty.  I’m on in less than an hour.  Will he be ok, or should I request a personal day?”

“You need to report for duty.”  Beverly eyed the young man.  “Set all of this aside and focus on your tasks.  Darcy will be fine.”

“Yes, ma’am.”  Esorn nodded before bending and giving Darcy a quick kiss on his forehead.  He left moments later to prepare for his day.

“Crusher to Guinan.”  Beverly tapped her COMM badge as she left Darcy’s room. 

“Good morning.”  Guinan answered pleasantly. 

“Good morning.”  Beverly took in a deep breath.  “Is there any way you could get someone to watch Ten Forward for you today?”

“I suppose.  What’s happened?”

“Darcy’s having a rough time, and I think he’d settle better if he had someone he trusted nearby.  Esorn was here all night, and I came after he’d had an accident.”

“An accident?”

“Yes, he got mad and threw something, then cut himself while trying to clean it up.”

“Give me just a little bit of time to get things settled, and I’ll be there.”

“Good.  I’ll wait for you to come before I go anywhere.  Esorn had to leave for duty.”

“Guinan out.” 

####

Guinan stepped into the turbo lift and smiled gently at the nervous young Bajoran she’d share part of her ride with.

“Rough night, huh?”

“Yeah.”  Esorn rubbed the back of his neck.  “I just hope the captain isn’t mad at me.  I’m on bridge duty today, and I woke him up this morning.”

“You woke the captain?”  Guinan chuckled.  “Last night must have been more interesting than I’d heard.”

“Well, Dr. Crusher said to call her if we needed anything.  When Darcy cut himself, I called her, and he answered her COMM badge.”  He blushed and looked down.  “I didn’t realize they were together.  I mean, I’d heard the rumors, but the different last names, and well, I didn’t want to believe rumor.”

“You’re very wise to not believe rumors.”  Guinan touched his arm, waiting for him to look at her.  “Or spread them.  Let others talk, but don’t share information.”

“Alright.”  He smiled.  “Keep their private lives private, just like they do.”

“Exactly.”

The lift doors opened, and Esorn moved to exit. 

“Have a good day, kiddo.”

“Thanks.”  The doors closed, and Guinan smiled to herself.  So Jean Luc answered Beverly’s COMM badge and Beverly had been asleep.  Today was already a good day.

####

Beverly greeted Guinan with a cup of coffee. 

“Must be tired if you’ve got coffee going already.”

“I helped calm Darcy down last night, and then when Esorn called this morning, well, it didn’t make for much sleep.”

“Sleeping with the captain must have taken quite a toll, as well.”  Guinan watched as Beverly spit out her coffee, turning red as she coughed.

“How…”  She set her cup down.  “Esorn?”  Guinan nodded.  “It wasn’t like that.  Really.”

“I’m friends with a lot of people, but I don’t tend to sleep with them.” 

“We just slept.”  Beverly waved her hands helplessly.  “Really.  He loaned me a pair of pajamas and we went to sleep.”

“Uh-huh.”  Guinan smirked as she waited for Beverly to take another sip.  “Should we begin planning the wedding now?  Or just a baby shower?” 

“I don’t know why I called you here.”  Beverly wiped her mouth as she shook her head. 

“You knew I’d rib you if I found out.  You just didn’t think I’d find out.”  Guinan leaned against the counter.  “I’ll be nice, but I do want you to tell me all about this and how it happened.”  She waved around the small crew quarters they sat in. 

“Darcy?” 

“Yes.  Darcy, why he needed calming, and how it was you came to sleep in the captain’s quarters.”  She sat on the couch.  “I’m listening.”

“Well, I’m certain you’ve heard by now that Will left Soren behind, after she’d received treatment for having a gender.”

“Yes.  I must admit to some disappointment, but it’s better for her to remain behind with her own people than for him to grow uninterested in her in the future.”

“That’s a harsh thing to say.”

“We both know he’s a flirt but has no true interest in settling down.”

“He may have with her.”

“May is a very big chance to take with someone’s life and future.”

“True.”  Beverly bit her lip.  “Darcy didn’t take the news well.”

“I’m not surprised.”  Guinan sat back and closed her eyes.  “I told you before that I’ve known someone like Darcy before.”  Beverly nodded.  “I always speak of him in the past tense, because he didn’t have the support system Darcy does right now when something similar happened on a cargo ship.  Georgie didn’t make it.”

“You mean he…”

“Yes.”  Guinan nodded slowly.  “Darcy told me how strange it felt to have an alien accepted more readily than he ever has been among other humans.  It made him feel even more detached from the main crew.  Yes, he has friends, but I’m not sure he realizes how many.  He’s unraveling trauma, but it will take years.  He won’t move past this with a few months of being kind to him, or from a few people being his friend.  He’s going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.  That’s his life experience.”

“But…”

“You have the life-experience of being accepted. You’ve never had to fight to be recognized legally, socially, or even educationally.  Yes, life was hard on Arvada III, but everyone accepted you.”

“Darcy’s not been accepted.”  Beverly sat back, as she realized another layer to his trauma.

“Not even by his parents.  He couldn’t go home and get comfort.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Now we make him realize that just because Soren got left, it doesn’t mean he will be abandoned somewhere.”

“Do you think that’s an actual fear of his?”

“I know it is.”

“How do we help him?”

“We start by sitting in his quarters while he sleeps to make sure he’s ok when he wakes up.”  Guinan patted Beverly’s hand.  “Now, tell me about how you ended up in the captain’s bed last night.”

“Ugh.”  Beverly blushed and rested her head in her hand against the back of the couch.  “It sometimes happens.  We’ve been known to share a bed over the years, always as friends.   It’s just something we do.” She shrugged.  “He’s comfortable.”

“He’s comfortable, eh?”  Guinan smiled.  “I think I’ll let you keep your private reasons private, but know that I think there’s more to this.”

“Sometimes you’re a pain.”

“Sometimes you evade.”

The two shared a smile before sipping their coffee in silence.

######

Esorn stepped nervously onto the Bridge, and looked over towards the Captain as a reflex.  The older man nodded slightly, but gave no other indication of recognition.  Esorn blushed and headed to his station.  He hoped he’d not made unintentional trouble for himself and Darcy.

He was training with Commander Worf in preparation for his promotion, and was focusing carefully on his displays. 

“Number One, I’ll be in my ready room.  You have the Bridge.”

“Yes, Sir.” 

Esorn breathed a quiet sigh of relief.  At least he didn’t have to worry about messing up in front of the man.  He could only imagine the wrath he’d incur if he hit the wrong console switch today. 

Twenty minutes later, he tensed when Captain Picard’s voice came over the COMM system. 

“Ensign Dibuhl, will you please report to my ready room?”  Esorn could feel everyone’s eyes on him as he crossed the bridge and headed toward the inner sanctum of the Captain’s world.  He silently cursed his misfortune before pressing the chime.  “Come.”  The door slid open.

Esorn entered and stood before Picard’s desk at a careful parade rest.  He wasn’t sure if he should be at full attention or not, but he’d not yet been reprimanded for standing improperly. 

“At ease, Ensign.”  Esorn relaxed his shoulders a bit, and Picard gave a half-grimace, half-smile.  “Have a seat.”

“Yes, Sir.”  Esorn sat and looked around cautiously.  His eyes landed on Livingston, and he looked questioningly at his captain.

“Watching him sometimes helps me relax.”  Picard sat back and straightened his uniform.  “I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine, Sir.”

“How was your young man when you left him this morning?”

“He was sleeping.”  Esorn blushed and looked away.  “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Nonsense.”  Jean-Luc paused a moment.  “Doctor Crusher instructed you to contact her, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Then your actions were appropriate.”  They sat in uncomfortable silence for another minute.  “I appreciate your discretion regarding my relationship with Doctor Crusher.”

“Of course, Sir.”  Esorn nodded vigorously. 

“Thank you, you’re dismissed.”

 

 

 


	9. Excusing Rejection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Darcy's breakdown, Guinan and Beverly learn more of his past. They realize that healing won't come so much from appointments with Deanna, but through acceptance and love he's been denied by others in the past.  
> ####

Darcy wandered out from his room not long after the ladies had finished their tea.   
  
"Good morning." Guinan spoke quietly, putting a hand over on Beverly's arm to keep her from getting up. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm ok." He looked down and scratched the back of his head nervously.   
  
"How about we try this again, but this time with some honesty. Good morning. How are you feeling?"   
  
Darcy's chin wobbled and he crossed his arms over his stomach. "Is it ok to say I don't know?"   
  
"That is perfectly fine to say." Guinan looked over to her companion. "I think maybe we should start the day with a light breakfast. Something easy on the stomach."   
  
Beverly nodded and headed for the replicator, suddenly unsure of herself. She'd have handled Darcy's answer completely differently, and realized she'd have dealt with him as she would with Wesley, never even considering the trauma he was still reacting to.   
  
She ordered a meal of French toast, bacon, and eggs before turning back to the young man.   
  
"How did you sleep?"   
  
"I think well." He yawned and smiled slightly. "Part of my brain still thinks it's back on my pillow."   
  
"Have something to eat, and if you need to rejoin your brain, you can."   
  
"Thanks." Darcy sat at the table and accepted the cup of tea Guinan put before him. He was quiet for a moment before looking at them, humiliation written on his face. "I'm sorry you feel like you have to be here. I'll be ok. I promise I won't..." He stopped and swallowed hard. "You know." His eyes returned to the mug.   
  
"I know." Beverly sat at the table and reached across, taking his hand. "I'm not going to pretend like I understand what you're going through, but I want you to know you're not alone."   
  
Darcy nodded his thanks once again and looked away. At times like this, he wished he could filter his brain as much as his mouth. He bit his lip before bringing his hand up to chew absently on his nails.   
  
"What is it, Darcy?" Guinan tapped his hand, and he slowly lowered his hand to his lap. His eyes had taken on a far-away, slightly lost expression that worried both she and Beverly.   
  
"Noth..." He flushed and stopped the obvious lie.  "I wish I could call my Mom." His voice broke. "When things happen, I always want to talk to her, to see if maybe, just maybe she can accept who and what I am this time."  
  
"Why don't you try?" Guinan's voice was quiet.   
  
"I don't have that much strength today." He looked down, embarrassed.   
  
"Why does it take strength to call her?" Beverly wasn't trying to be harsh, but she had no frame of reference for a parent who didn't love their child.  
  
"I'll never be enough." His voice was quiet as he picked up his mug and took a sip. He made a face as the tea hit his stomach and made it roil. "I'm sorry." He stood and walked silently back to his bed, crawled beneath the covers, and hid.   
  
Beverly looked over to Guinan, who looked at the young man's form beneath the blanket.   
  
"He left the door open."  
  
"Yes."   
  
"He left the door open." Guinan motioned with her eyes this time as well as using more pointed inflection. Beverly's eyes widened. He'd left the door open. He wasn't shutting them out.   
  
Beverly took Guinan's advice and went to sit on the empty side of the bed. Her hand snaked out and gently rubbed his back. She could feel him trembling, but didn't ask him to explain or talk it out. Before long, his breathing had returned to normal. Beverly looked up at Guinan, who now stood in the doorway.   
  
"I wish I could help him."  
  
"You are."   
  
Guinan took up a post on the end of the bed, her hand sitting on Darcy's leg. The trio kept silent for several minutes. Darcy heaved a sigh.   
  
"You ok?" Guinan patted his foot. "I think that came from here."  
  
"You know how, when things are hard, you want to talk to your parents?" Darcy's voice was quiet and emerged through the blankets as if it was coming from a fog.  
  
"Yes." Guinan shrugged. "I'm over 600 years old and I still imagine what my mother or father would have to say about various things."   
  
"I wish I could do that."   
  
"Why not call her with us here?" 

"Sometimes she's... Harsh." He didn't want to admit his fear that she'd say something outlandish and cost him friendships. She'd done that before, and he'd received a harsh lesson in how manipulative and damaging his mother could be. 

He then ran through reasons of why he'd even want to call her. He circled back to the same place he always returned to. She was his mother, no matter what, and he always held out hope that she'd accept him, or at least try. She couldn't be disappointed forever, could she?  

"Hey, Kiddo." Guinan's voice interrupted his spiraling thoughts. "It's ok if she says some nasty things. We're not going to believe them, because we know you."

"She likes to make it seem like I'm crazy. She gets worse if she knows there's an audience." 

"Then we'll stay out of the way." Guinan rubbed his foot. "If you think calling her will help, you should do it."

"I don't know." Darcy let a tear leak from his eye. "Maybe."

"We'll be wherever you need us." Beverly patted his shoulder. "Come on. Let's make this call."  
  
Ten minutes later, Beverly Crusher was furious. Darcy's mother had greeted her son coolly, and it had only gotten worse from then.   
  
"... I don't know why you're calling, unless you needed to be told what you already know." The woman's voice held venom. "I told you not to leave. You know you're the only one. You're a freak. You know your father and I told you to stay here and hidden, but no. And now you want me to pat your head and tell you the mistake you made is ok, and everything will be fine?" She scoffed. "I'm not like you. I don't run around pretending. Deal with your own messes. That's why you left."   
  
"Hey!" Beverly's voice rang out like thunder. "I can't believe I'm hearing this."

“You need someone to protect you now, Darcy?”  His mother spat.  “You listen here, lady…”

Beverly wrapped her arm around Darcy's shoulders for a moment before interrupting his sputtering mother. "No, you listen. Out of respect for Darcy, I'll not tell you how vile I think you are. But I'll have you know that Darcy is a fine young man despite you and your husband."  
  
"How dare..."   
  
"Zip it!" Beverly shouted over the woman. "I'm glad I’ve gotten to know him.  With any luck, we can help undo some of the damage you’ve done and help him learn what love is supposed to look like. God knows you've never shown him." She steadfastly ignored the slightly scandalized yet grateful look Darcy had on his face. "End transmission."   
  
"Wow." Darcy looked at Beverly, his emotions swirling between gratitude, anxiety, and hope.   
  
"Come on. I don't have to be anywhere until dinner time. Let's talk."  
  
"Dinner with Jean-Luc, eh?"  
  
"It's not a date."  
  
"You keep telling yourself that."   
  
"Am I missing something?" Darcy looked between the two smirking women. 

"Nope." Beverly shook her head. "Your friend here is just convinced I'm in love with Jean-Luc."

But I thought..." Darcy blushed and looked away.

 "You thought what?"

 "You usually talk about meals and you always go to concerts together." Darcy swallowed hard. "I thought you two were married or something." Guinan crowed with laughter while Beverly shook her head.

 "I can't believe you two." She ruffled Darcy's hair. "We've been friends for over 25 years. We're really close is all."

 Guinan chuckled. "You keep telling yourself that and maybe it will be true."

 Beverly rolled her eyes at her wizened friend and turned back to Darcy. "We're not here to discuss my love life or lack thereof. Do you want to tell me about your mother? It had to be hard growing up with her. Was she always that spiteful?"

 "Towards me, yes." Darcy shrugged. "I kinda ruined her life, I guess."

 "How did you do that?"

 "She felt like she had to hide me away. She couldn't go out without me as a kid, but she didn't like feeling like she was being stared at, like everyone knew I was different. She got isolated and it was my fault." Darcy had clasped his hands and was rubbing one thumb over the other, as if to smooth away a wrinkle in his psyche.

 "You didn't have any choice or say in her behavior." Beverly sighed. "I can't imagine having a child and being so nasty to them."  
  
"You get used to it, I guess.  I mean, I kinda expected her to be nasty, even though I keep hoping she won’t be."

 "No one should ever get used to that." Beverly took a deep breath. "I probably don't want to know, but please tell me about your childhood."

 "I wrote it in that letter you read."

 "Darcy, you barely mentioned your parents. I assumed the rejection was similar to what Jean-Luc faced, not an intense hatred of all you are and hope to be."

 Darcy's eyes went wide. "The captain...his family rejected him?" Darcy puzzled this over in his head. Captain Picard was so strong and powerful. One of the most important captains in Starfleet...and _he_ was rejected by his family? Beverly squeezed his shoulder.

 "It's not my place to tell you his story, but if you get to know the Captain, you might discover you have a few things in common."  
  
Darcy shrugged. "Maybe. I don't even know if she hates me. Sometimes I think she just hates my body, but my body isn't who I am as a person. I don't think my mom has learned to draw a line between how she feels about my body from how she feels about me. It's ok. I should have known calling her wasn't going to end well. It's just...how she is."  
  
"No one should have to make excuses for not being accepted." Guinan spoke into the following quiet. "You've spent so long trying to defend those who abuse you that you forget you have a right to your own feelings."   
  
Darcy nodded and leaned into her shoulder. He let a few tears fall before whispering, "Why does she hate me? What did I ever do that was so bad?"  
  
"You didn't do anything to deserve being mistreated." Guinan leaned her cheek against his hair. "I guess now we know why you got sent to us at this time."  
  
"Why's that?" Darcy yawned, giving in to the soul-deep exhaustion he felt.   
  
"So we can teach you about love, acceptance, and family. It starts here with Beverly and Esorn and I. It starts with Barclay, Geordi, and Data. We accept and love you for who you are not how your body is built."   
  
Darcy's eyes suddenly burned with unshed tears. "I think I need more sleep." His cheeks flushed as he spoke. "I'm kinda overemotional."  
  
"You're allowed to cry." Beverly held his hand for a moment. She couldn't imagine rejecting her own son or how it must feel. Jean-Luc had told her what it was like growing up with his father and brother's animosity towards him, but this...she needed some time to process everything, yet she wasn't about to leave Darcy when he was vulnerable. Not when he needed a mother, even if she wasn’t… her thoughts trailed off. She squeezed his hand. "Go take a nap if you want." She paused and Darcy looked at her, wondering if she'd finish her thought. "Just don't go to bed because you think we'll be upset over emotions."   
  
"No, ma'am." He kissed both of their cheeks before heading to his bedroom. He began to shut the door. He paused and left it open as he crawled back under his covers.

 #####

Esorn entered Darcy’s quarters quietly, hoping he’d find his boyfriend asleep.  He was greeted by the placid expressions of Guinan and Beverly. 

“How is he?”  He looked anxiously from one woman to the next. 

“He’ll be ok.”  Guinan smiled.  “How long are you here for?” 

“I have almost an hour.”

 “Why don’t you go see him while I replicate your lunch?”

 “Thank you.”  Esorn tiptoed into the bedroom and sat on the side of the bed.  Beverly watched as he reached out a hand and rubbed at Darcy’s temple.  Darcy’s hand covered Esorn’s for a moment before the smaller man turned on his side, facing away from his boyfriend.  Esorn frowned before shifting his position so he could lay down on the narrow space left at Darcy’s back.  “Move over.”  He prodded Darcy gently.  Beverly smiled to herself as she watched Darcy move a few inches towards the middle of the bed.  The pair would be ok, she was sure of it.

“How are you?”  Esorn spoke quietly into Darcy’s ear. 

“I’m ok.”  Darcy yawned.  “I’m sorry I was so angry with you.”

 “Were you?”  Esorn pressed a kiss to Darcy’s head. 

 “Yeah.”  Darcy closed his eyes.  “How long are you here for?”

 “Not long enough.” 

 “Thanks for checking on me.”

 “Absolutely.”  The men lay in quiet for a few minutes.  “I’ll be back tonight after my shift.”

 “Ok.  I think Guinan and Dr. Crusher will be staying with me today.”

 “Good.”  Esorn groaned.  “I gotta go.  I’m sorry.  Guinan’s making my lunch.”

 “Go eat.  I think I’m going to sleep some more.  I’m tired.”  He yawned again.  “Love you.”

“I love you, too.”  Esorn lay still for another few minutes, his hand resting lightly on Darcy’s stomach.  Darcy moved after a bit and twined their fingers together.  He moved their joined hands to his chest. 

Guinan stood in the door several minutes later, quietly calling Esorn for lunch.  “If you don’t eat and go, you’ll be late for duty.”  The young man had nodded and followed her to the table where she’d laid out his meal.

 


	10. Facing Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder comes after prolonged trauma, rather than a short-term trauma. It leaves behind scars that are sometimes hard to explain, and sometimes even harder to see. Facing fears sometimes seems a daily test of courage, but it's so much easier when someone helps carry your pain. 
> 
> Also, some minor changes/edits were made to Chapter 9.

Darcy rose and showered a few hours after Esorn went back to his duty station.  He dressed in his favorite sweat suit and walked to the living room, unsure if he’d find himself alone or still with company.  He found himself hoping his guests had stayed.     

“Good afternoon.”  Guinan looked up from the book she’d been reading and smiled. 

“Hi.”  Darcy yawned and leaned against the door. “Dr. Crusher left?”

“She did, but she said to contact her when you got up.  She had a few things she needed to take care of.”

Darcy nodded and headed to the replicator where he ordered a cup of tea and a bagel with strawberry cream cheese. He ate in silence while Guinan finished her chapter.  Once she’d set her book down, she went to his communication port and requested a link to Beverly. 

“Crusher here.”

“I’m just letting you know Darcy is up and around.  He’s had a small meal and is still being quiet.”  She turned towards the young man.  “Would you be up for Beverly coming back, or do you want some time alone?”

“I…” Darcy paused and shrugged.  Part of him wanted to be alone, and yet part of him dreaded the silence.  He looked helplessly at Guinan and whispered, “I don’t know.”

“I think he’d like you to come back.”  Darcy blushed and looked away.  He didn’t want to admit how relieved he felt that Guinan was making the decisions for him as well as the fact that he’d not be alone.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.  Just finishing up.  Crusher out.” Beverly pressed the end button and looked up at her friend. "Thanks for listening. I was finding it hard to compartmentalize and I didn't want to talk to Jean-Luc. Besides, Darcy is going to need your help, too. I just hope we can get him to talk to you."

Deanna smiled back at her friend. "Anytime."

“Now to go talk to him and not hurt him by being too gentle.”

“You’ll be fine.  Darcy is incredibly willing to help his friends learn, and you’ve certainly become a friend.”

“Sometimes I think he’s a little too willing to answer embarrassing or invasive questions.”  Beverly gave Deanna a pointed look.  The councilor nodded, as she’d come to the young man’s rescue once in engineering when he’d been asked an inappropriate question and felt as if he had to answer it, despite his obvious discomfort.

“He’ll learn better boundaries once he’s more confident.  I have faith in that.”  Deanna reached out and grasped Beverly’s hand.  “He’s not accustomed to having people accept him for who he is, and he’s a bit confused with the difference between an acceptable question and an invasive one.  It will take him some time, but I promise you he’ll get there.”

“Good.”  Beverly stood and rubbed her hands on her pant legs as if drying them. 

“Try to get him out this afternoon, even if you just go to a holodeck.  It’ll do him good.”

“Thanks.”  Beverly smiled.  “I think I know what we’ll do.”

Twenty minutes later, she had crossed the ship and was welcomed into Darcy’s quarters.

“Good afternoon.”  Beverly smiled brightly at the pair seated at the table.

“Afternoon.” Guinan smiled back while Darcy waved and took a drink of his tea.

“I thought we’d go out for a little bit.”  Beverly sat and looked intently at Darcy.  “I think it’ll do you good to get out for a bit.”

“I’m really not up for a lot of people.”  He looked down, uncomfortable with admitting his need for quiet while not wanting to be alone.

“I was thinking of the spa program a few of us enjoy on the holodeck.” 

“Holodeck? You’ve got a spa programmed into the holodeck?”

“Of course!  Sometimes we all want to get pampered without Mr. Mott being anywhere around.”  She winked at him and Darcy chuckled. 

“That sounds fun.” 

“Are you ready?”

“Give me a couple of minutes?”

“Sure.”  Darcy went to his room and shut the door, quickly changing into clothing more suited for walking down the halls of the Enterprise.  He grimaced and tugged on his binder instead of the comfortable sports bra he’d been wearing before pulling on his shirt.

####

“How is he, really?”

“He’s still a little shaken, but he’s doing better.”  Guinan smiled and patted Beverly’s hand.  “He was a little worried that he’d chased you away when he woke up and you weren’t here.  I’m glad you were willing to come back today.”

“Absolutely.”  The red-head nodded.  “He’s a good kid.”

“I’m ready.”  Darcy walked out, and Beverly smiled sadly at his now-flat chest.  Having broken his ribs only weeks ago, his chest had to be hurting from the pressure, yet he gave no indication of any discomfort.  She’d have to ask him about it later, and possibly help him find a better way to bind.  The quick thought of offering a mastectomy ran through her mind, only to be dismissed, as if he wanted one, he’d ask for it.  She wasn’t about to suggest any medical procedures he didn’t need.

The trio made their way to the nearest holodeck, and Guinan asked that she be able to choose the program.  Beverly nodded, and the barkeeper entered her favorite spa settings. The doors opened, and Darcy’s eyes widened. 

“I, um, I didn’t bring a bathing suit.”

“It’s ok, Darcy.”  Guinan patted him on the shoulder.  “There’s a replicator right over there, and those are stalls for changing.”

“Oh.”  Darcy looked at his feet in embarrassment over having missed those details.  Beverly and Guinan shared a concerned glance before heading off to replicate their own suits and go to change.  Both women relaxed when they heard Darcy quietly ordering his own suit.

When Darcy emerged from his changing stall, the ladies were sitting in the first tub.  Heated fragrant water bubbled around them, and he gingerly sat down. Guinan started a mundane conversation with Beverly and he was able to tune them out.  He focused on his breathing and tightening, then relaxing his muscles.  Before long, he felt himself losing the nearly-vibrating anxiety that he’d felt since waking up.

“What do you think, Kiddo?”

“What?”  He turned to look at his companions, so lost in his own thoughts that he wasn’t even sure which of them had spoken.

“We were debating on going to the other pool and swim for a bit.  I wanted to know what you thought?”

“I guess we can.”  He shrugged.  “How long have we been in here?”

“Long enough that it’s nearly time for us to get out for medical reasons.”  Beverly spoke frankly.  “While this is relaxing, too much exposure can lead to dehydration and nose bleeds.”

“Well, we can’t have that.”  Guinan stood and reached for the stairs.  “Watch it, it’s a little slippery now.”

“I haven’t been swimming in a long time.”  Darcy looked down at his wrinkled hands and remembered the last time he’d been swimming…then pulled himself back from the dark memories that called to him.

“Come on, Darcy, it’s time to face them.”

 “Who?”

“Your fears.”  Guinan finished climbing the stairs and exited the pool.  She walked to the other and dove in, barely making a splash.  Beverly was the next to leave, and she was soon swimming lazy laps in the water which had somehow recycled and was clean and greenish once again. 

Darcy debated with himself before finally standing and making his way gingerly to the pool.  He glanced from woman to woman, almost as if he was expecting the jibes and comments to start.  To his relief, the women seemed to completely ignore him.  He dove in, much the same way they did, and felt a gentle tugging at his skin was cleansed from the former minerals which were recycled in filters. 

He swam for a bit until his muscles began to feel as if they had been massaged into lassitude. He wondered what the pool would feel like without the full-torso covering suit he was wearing and contemplated asking Esorn to swim with him sometime.  He turned onto his back and floated for a few minutes, simply enjoying being in the water.  Darcy’s eyes flew open when he heard Guinan call to him gently to remember to not fall asleep.  With a sheepish grin, he exited the water.

Once he’d finished dressing, he sat on one of the cushioned benches and closed his eyes. Beverly shook his shoulder sometime later.

“Are you ready for the next part of this afternoon?”

“What are we going to do?”  He felt as if he’d had enough of the spa, yet didn’t want to disappoint his friends.

“I thought we’d go for massages.”

 “That’s a lot of contact.”  Darcy rubbed his arm with his hand.  He bit his lip and looked down at the floor.

Beverly gently used her thumb to rescue his lip from his teeth before reminding him that the massage therapists would all be computerized.  He nodded his agreement to try it, and he watched as the room altered at her command to contain three stations containing reclining chairs, tables, and strangely shaped “chairs” that were made for leaning a person’s chest against while their legs curled under them.    Three beauty therapists materialized and greeted the trio, inviting them to sit.

Darcy opted to remain mostly dressed and removed only his binder.  His therapist tutted at it, issuing a brief lecture on the dangers of compressing his ribcage until Beverly ordered the computer to be quiet. 

“Thanks.  I…I forgot I could tell it to shut up.”  He chuckled nervously.

“You always can.”  Beverly reminded him that he could order the therapist away at any moment that he felt uncomfortable, and the younger man nodded.  He lay face down and waited for…what, he didn’t know.  Esorn had rubbed his back before, but he’d never submitted himself to an actual massage before.

He found he enjoyed having his shoulders rubbed, as well as his middle and lower back.  His neck was questionable, yet he’d be willing to try it again.  When the therapist moved to rub low on his hips and then onto his buttocks, Darcy ordered the therapist away and lay quiet, contemplating the trauma that made him so uneasy with anyone touching him. 

Thankfully, the other two ended their sessions only minutes after he’d ended his.  Beverly handed him a PADD which was opened to all of the ships spa services.

“Anything you’d like to try.”

Darcy took the PADD and began scrolling through.  His eyes widened as he realized he didn’t know what half of it was.  His mind whirled with concerns over what was masculine enough, what would get him teased, and…  He didn’t realize he’d nearly been hyperventilating until Beverly’s hand gripped his shoulder.  He turned wide, frightened eyes to her.

“Hey, are you ok?”

“I…I…”  He looked nervously over to Guinan, only to find a matching look of concern on her face.  “I need…”

“Do you need to go home?”  He nodded and fairly ran for the door.   The hydraulics opened and he burst through into the hall despite Beverly’s request that he wait for them.

“That didn’t go as planned.”  Beverly looked over to Guinan, who shook her head.

“He needs a moment of space is all.  Come on.  He’s probably not far down the hall.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”  Guinan fairly rolled her eyes.  “For all of your confidence in most situations, you sure are nervous around this kid.”

“I keep worrying about making it worse for him.”

“Stop worrying so much.  If anyone gets that you’ll make the occasional mistake or misstep, it’s Darcy.  Now come along.  We really do need to catch up with him.”

Two hundred feet down the hall, Darcy stood against the wall, his hand on his chest as he breathed in through his nose and out his mouth.  He closed his eyes for a moment, but found that not seeing his surroundings made him feel less secure.  He leaned his head back, wondering if he’d done the right thing by leaving the ladies.  He suddenly wanted company and knew he’d feel safer among them.  To his relief, he could hear them coming.

He could see Guinan’s flowing purple robes coming around the corner about the same time he realized the red uniform passing him was the First Officer and he was walking with the Captain, who was dressed in slightly strange clothing and carrying a saddle.  Darcy felt himself begin to panic about the time the Captain nodded to him and passed by without a word to him.

“…I realize that, Number One, but that course of action would be inappropriate.”

“But Sir…”

“Commander, I am not going to discuss this further at this time.”  Picard stopped just beyond Darcy, blocking the younger man’s view of his approaching friends.  “You have the bridge.”  He straightened his shoulders and met the gaze of the taller man.  “I suggest you return to it.”

Riker glared at his commanding officer for a moment before nodding and turning on his heel.  He noticed Darcy for the first time and nodded curtly as he passed.  “Ensign.”

“Commander.”  Darcy’s voice was quiet and shaky.  He looked desperately down the hall, embarrassed when he realized the captain still stood where he was. 

Darcy watched with detachment as Beverly and Guinan greeted the older man before coming over to him.  Beverly reached out and ran her hand down his arm. 

“Are you alright?”  Darcy shook himself out of his waking nightmare and nodded.  He turned and began walking silently to his quarters, glancing back to be sure at least one of them was following.  He missed the concerned looks that passed between the trio, which was probably a good thing for his psyche.

#####

“I think I need some space.”  Darcy stood nervously in his quarters, one arm crossed across his stomach as he rubbed his other arm. 

“If that’s what you need…”  Guinan looked at him carefully.  “Are you sure?”

“I think.”  He nodded.  “Esorn will be home soon.”

“I’m sorry if today was too much for you.”  Beverly’s voice was calm, almost as if she was speaking to a frightened child.

“No, it was fine.”  Darcy couldn’t meet their eyes through the lie.

“Is this because you met Commander Riker in the corridor?” Darcy visibly jerked, and Guinan nodded slowly. “That’s one piece.  Now let’s figure out the other.”

“No.”  Darcy’s voice shook as tears filled his eyes.

“We can help.”  Beverly sat and reached for the young man’s hand.  “Please.”

“No, please.”  Guinan held out her hand to keep Beverly from pressing the young man any further.

“Ok, Darcy.”  She nodded.  “Ok.  Just remember that whenever you are ready to talk, either one of us, or both of us, will be here to listen.”  He nodded and pressed his hands into his eyes.  “Do you still want us to go?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you unsure because you’re worried about upsetting us?”

“Yes.”  Darcy felt like curling into a ball and crawling into the shame he could feel so intensely so that no one would ever see him again.

“We’re going to go, but not because we’re upset or angry, but because that’s what you really want.”  Guinan kept her voice low and steady.  “I hope to see you and Esorn in Ten Forward tomorrow night for your dinner, alright?  I’ll understand if you decide to stay in tonight.”  Darcy nodded.  Guinan gave a little bow and turned to leave.  With a last meaningful look towards Beverly, she passed through the doors.

“Sit with me for a minute?”  Beverly motioned towards the couch.  Darcy nodded and sat on one end, closing his posture in a subconscious effort to keep an emotional blow from landing. She sat near him, but wasn’t close enough to brush against him. They sat in silence for a moment before Beverly took a deep breath and began speaking.

“I’m a little out of my depth here, Darcy.”  She paused again, hoping she’d not already caused misunderstanding with her first words.  Darcy stayed silent and still.  “I’m so used to dealing with my Wesley.  I think I know what I’d say to him now, but it wouldn’t be appropriate for you.”

“Because he’s not a fuck up.”  Darcy’s whisper barely reached Beverly’s ears.

“No, and neither are you.”  She turned in her seat and held his face in her hands, turning his head so she could meet his eyes.  “You’re not a mistake, you’re not a problem, and you’re certainly not a… I don’t even want to say that.”  She brushed a tear from his cheek with her thumb.  “Wesley’s always had people around to support him, to encourage him.  He grew up knowing he could accomplish anything because he had people to remind him of that all the time.”  She waited until he nodded.

“You’ve not had that.  You’ve had to remind yourself and be strong all on your own.  I’m so sorry, and if I could, I’d go back and fix all of that for you, but I can’t.  The best I can do now is to be here as a friend and try to help you build some of that foundation your parents should have given you.  Will you let me help you?”

Darcy nodded and backed away.  She dropped her hands and sighed in relief as he reached out and rested his hand on hers. 

“I don’t know how to let anyone do that.”

“I don’t know how to start helping someone build that as an adult.”

“I guess we gotta learn together, huh?”

“Yep.  I’m sure Guinan will help.”  She knocked her shoulder gently against his. 

“And Barclay.  He’s a good guy.”

“And Barclay.”  Beverly laughed.  “Of all the people for you to get along with, he’d be the one.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, ask him to tell you about his first few months aboard.”

“Not your story to tell?”

“Nope.  Not mine to tell.”  She rose and turned to face her young friend.  “You’re sure you’ll be ok until Esorn gets home?”

“Yeah.”  Darcy smiled, feeling like he could handle being alone.  “I know who to call if the room gets too big.”

“Good man.”  With that, Beverly took her leave, and Darcy sat back, unafraid of his thoughts for the first time in days.

 


	11. Working Through the Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a busy chapter. This chapter has a lot of non-graphic gay love, so if that offends, please skim paragraphs where it begins. Darcy begins to learn that healing isn't always comfortable, but that he can ask for what he needs from those around him.

Esorn lay next to Darcy, watching his lover sleep. His head still rested on his pillow, and he debated moving so he could see more of Darcy’s face. Esorn shifted, and Darcy sighed deeply, turning his face a bit and scooting closer in his sleep.   
Esorn smiled and leaned up on his elbow. This was the most restful sleep Darcy had had since his first days of concern over Soren and her relationship with Riker. Many mornings, Darcy had woken exhausted. The tall Bajoran swept the smaller man’s hair from his forehead and smiled.   
Darcy had not wanted to make love for the past couple of weeks, and Esorn had recognized his hesitation as the distress it had been. He’d worried that he’d ruined their relationship the night before last, but Guinan had been right, as usual. Darcy had only needed some time.   
He had no idea what his boyfriend had done with Guinan and Dr. Crusher, but the later had been leaving Darcy’s quarters when he’d arrived. He’d entered in time to see her leaning forward to kiss Darcy’s blush-pinked cheek before standing. Esorn knew he probably looked as confused as he felt when she patted his own shoulder and told him he was a good man.   
“What was that about?” Esorn looked at the closing doors as he spoke.  
“We talked today.”  
“Ok?” Darcy stood and walked to him. The two men stood looking at one another for several moments before Darcy leaned on Esorn and laid his head on his chest. Esorn wrapped his arms around his much smaller lover. He breathed a sigh of relief at the knowledge that Darcy wasn’t angry with him.  
“Thank you.”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t do more.” Esorn pressed a kiss to Darcy’s hair.   
“You did plenty.” Darcy moved away from his boyfriend and towards the table. “Come on, let’s have some dinner. I know you didn’t eat most of your lunch.”  
“Who snitched on me?” Esorn grinned. He liked the feeling of having a make-shift family, as odd and mismatched as they were.   
“Take your pick.” Darcy smirked as he pointed to Esorn’s usual spot at the table. “Sit. I’ll get dinner.”  
The pair ate in companionable silence. Once finished, Esorn recycled their plates and cutlery before replicating drinks.   
“Sex on the beach? Really?” Darcy blushed as he flashed to the pool he’d been in earlier and his desire to have Esorn swim with him. Perhaps he could design a program for them that would have both a beach and the pools.   
“Maybe someday.” Esorn winked, and Darcy’s blush grew to cover his ears and down his chest. “What’s got you blushing so hard?” The tall Bajoran leaned over and nipped playfully at Darcy’s neck.   
“We went to the holodeck today.” Darcy grimaced when his voice cracked. Esorn’s smile grew. He knew Darcy didn’t get how adorable he was when he got nervous. “There’s this spa program.” Esorn nodded, so Darcy continued. “I’d like for you to go with me sometime.”  
“To a spa?”  
“Yes.” Darcy looked away. “I…”  
“Hey.” Esorn tapped Darcy’s knee with a single finger. “Of course I’ll go with you.”   
“Really?”  
“Yes.” Esorn leaned in and captured Darcy’s lips in a tantalizing kiss. “Just tell me when.”  
The two had cuddled on the couch for the rest of the evening until it was time for them to retire.   
“Do you want me to stay?”  
“Yes.” Darcy bumped shoulders with his boyfriend. “I think I like sleeping next to you.”  
“Good.” Esorn stood and held out his hand. “I was thinking of asking if you’d like to share quarters.” He shrugged. “I know it’s a big step, but…”  
“Yes.” Darcy smiled. “I’d like that.” He frowned a moment later. “We have to talk to Commander Riker to get reassigned, don’t we?”  
“Yeah.” Esorn shrugged. “I can talk to him if you’d like. I don’t want to put you through that.”  
“I can’t avoid him forever.” Darcy raised his hand to his mouth and lowered it when he realized he was biting his nails again. “I have to talk to him when he gives yearly crew reviews.”  
“I’m sorry.” Esorn tugged Darcy’s hand and led him to the bedroom. “Do you want to request a transfer?”  
“No.” Darcy didn’t want to admit the panic he felt at the mere suggestion. “I feel safe here.”  
“Then we’ll find a way to make this work.” The men undressed and crawled into bed, laughing as they settled onto “their” sides and traded pillows so they had their favorite. “Night.”  
“Night, Babe.” Esorn nipped at Darcy’s neck from behind and chuckled when Darcy scrunched his neck.  
“I hate it when you do that.”  
“No, you don’t.”   
“Yes, I do.” Darcy reached behind him and slapped his lover’s thigh. “Now quit it and go to sleep.”  
“Bossy. I like it.” Darcy pinched his arm hard and Esorn yelped playfully. “Jerk.” A little more jostling and laughter found them settling to sleep after another round of playfulness.   
That had been hours ago. Esorn smiled at his sleeping boyfriend before leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. He held his breath as Darcy shifted, pressing closer to his side before a slow smile spread across his otherwise relaxed face. Darcy settled back into sleep, his breath huffing out in a contented sigh.   
The Bajoran couldn’t resist and pressed light kisses around his lover’s face. He nipped at his chin and smiled as Darcy’s eyes cracked open. Esorn had shifted and was leaning over the other man, and Darcy stretched, arching his back. Esorn groaned as his groin came in contact with Darcy’s, and the smaller man quirked an eyebrow.  
“I’m not complaining, but what brings this on?” He trailed his hand lazily down his lover’s chest, smiling as he dipped below the other man’s waist.   
“You smiled in your sleep.”   
“Hm.” He bit Esorn’s collarbone, grinning when the man groaned. “How long until the alarm goes off?”  
#####  
Darcy initiated a call to Zach and waited. He'd not talked to his "brother" in weeks.

"Darcy!" Zach's face filled the screen. "How are you?" 

Until that moment, Darcy had felt at peace, possibly even as if he was healing. He opened his mouth, yet no words came. Tears filled his eyes, and he held up his hand, silently asking for a moment. Zach sat silently, waiting. 

"I'm not good." Darcy began spilling out the story of the past two weeks, his words tumbling together. 

When he finished, Zach sat back and stared at his friend for a moment. 

"What do you need?" 

"I don't know." Darcy rubbed his hand up and down his arm. "I think I need to be with our family, you know?"

"Can you take leave for a while?"

"I'd use it all just traveling back."

"Let me talk to some people and see what we can do, alright?" 

"Ok." Darcy nodded. 

"How's Esorn?"

"He's good." Darcy swallowed hard. "I think we need to have a talk, though. I hurt him, I think. No, I know." He put his head in his hands. “I’ll be ok, and then I feel so angry, and it’s like I can’t turn off the anger.” He drew in a deep breath and looked at his friend imploringly. “Being scared of anything makes me angry now, and last night…” He wiped bitter tears from his face. “Last night, he surprised me when he came up behind me, and I yelled at him. He didn’t do anything wrong, and I yelled.”

"When will he be home?" 

"Soon." Darcy checked the chronometer. "Um, any time, actually. His duty shift ended ten minutes ago."

"Alright, I'm going to go, but talk to him. You two are good together. Don't let this ruin you." Zach paused a moment. “I know that therapists can be scary, but please, bro, use whatever tools are near you. Don’t let that anger and fear control you.”

"I won't. I promise." After giving Zach a watery smile, Darcy ended the connection as the door opened. 

"You alright?" Esorn stood at the door, unsure if his boyfriend wanted him to come in. 

"Yeah. Just talking to Zach."

"Cool." Esorn walked to him and bent down, giving Darcy a gentle kiss. "What are you up for tonight?"

"Can we stay in? I think we need to talk."

Esorn swallowed hard but nodded. He hoped the conversation wouldn't end with him heading back to his quarters permanently. 

"It's nothing bad." Darcy folded into himself on the couch. "I just need to apologize. I was really nasty to you." He reached for Esorn's hand and relaxed as the larger man threaded their fingers together. "I'm sorry, and I don't know how to fix it."

"I didn't know how to help you." Esorn's voice cracked. "Everything I said seemed wrong."

"It wasn't." Darcy moved closer to his lover and curled into his side. "I'm sorry I made you feel like that." They sat in silence for a few minutes. "I don't think anything was the right or wrong thing, you know?" 

"Not really." Esorn shrugged. "I don't need to, but if you want to explain it, or feel like you should, I'm here."

"Thanks." 

Esorn wrapped his arm around Darcy and the smaller man moved so that he was sitting sideways with his legs across the Bajoran. The pair sat quietly, just relaxing into one another's body. 

"It was like every voice that ever told me I didn't belong was screaming about how right they were." Darcy spoke for several minutes, unpacking and describing physical, verbal, and mental abuse that shook his boyfriend. Esorn knew there had been abuse, but he had no idea it had been so bad. 

"Did anyone ever..." Esorn didn't bother trying to hide his tears nor the shakiness of his voice. "Gods. Please tell me no one touched you." Darcy bit back a sob and buried his face in Esorn's shoulder. "I'm so sorry." Esorn pressed a kiss to the side of Darcy's head. "I'm so sorry."

The men sat holding one another until Esorn's legs began falling asleep. He shifted and Darcy moved to stand. 

"Can we..." he blushed.

"Can we what?"

"Can we...I mean, can..." Darcy felt foolish for asking for what he felt like he needed. 

"What, love?" Esorn stood and gathered Darcy against his chest. "What do you need?"

"Can you hold me for a while?" Darcy looked down and backed away. Esorn loosened his hold and let his lover move. "Maybe a nap?" He barked out a single, desperate, humorless spurt of laughter. "Gods, I'm a loser."

"Why are you a loser?" Esorn leaned in and kissed Darcy. He ran his hand up and down Darcy's arm. 

"Asking to be held like some little kid."

"Seems like a good idea to me." Esorn took his boyfriend's hand and headed for the bedroom. "I want the same thing."

"You do?" 

"Yeah." 

Esorn took his time and slowly undressed his boyfriend. He lavished attention on Darcy's body before asking if he wanted his pajamas. 

"No." Darcy unbuckled Esorn's pants and pushed them down his hips. "Definitely naked snuggling."

Esorn smiled and stripped off his shirt while he toed off his shoes. He didn't let Darcy fall to his knees, instead pushing him back onto the bed. 

"Let me show you how much you matter to me." Darcy took in Esorn's flushed chest and dilated eyes. He nodded. 

Nearly an hour later, Darcy's fingers tightened in Esorn's sweaty hair. He gasped, the blunt fingers of his free hand clawing at Esorn's arm as it supported the other man's weight. 

"Es..." Darcy's voice caught as he murmured the other man's name. 

"I love you." Esorn punctuated each word with a sharp thrust of his hips. 

"Please. Oh, gods, please." Darcy's back bent, rubbing his abdomen against his lovers. 

Esorn lowered his head and kissed his lover deeply before jolting his hips hard one more time, hitting the hidden gland that made his eyes roll back in his head as he screamed Esorn's name. He dropped onto his elbows and let Darcy's ecstasy carry him away.

####

Darcy woke in his lover's arms sometime later. He smiled and ran his hands down the other man's chest. A quiet chuckle escaped him as the quick thought of weekly arguments for the sake of makeup sex flitted through his mind. 

"Hm." Esorn's arms tightened and he slid his leg over Darcy's hip. "What's funny?" His fingers danced down Darcy's back, finally running over his buttocks, pulling the man tight against him. 

"I was thinking of makeup sex and what we'd need to do to have it more often."

"Just tell me I didn't replicate dinner right and then say sorry later." Esorn opened his eyes and studied his boyfriend. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm sore." Darcy grinned and leaned forward. He teased Esorn's lips with his tongue until the man opened his mouth, granting him access. Both groaned as their tongues dueled. 

Darcy ran his hands over Esorn's nipples, reveling in the feeling of the flat buttons pebbling. He pushed his lower body firmly into Esorn's as he shoved at the man's chest. 

"My turn." His smile was predatory as he leaned over his Bajoran lover. Esorn felt his heart pounding in his ears as Darcy bit his neck lightly. He closed his eyes, reveling in the sensations until he heard the quiet click of a bottle being opened. 

His eyes snapped open, meeting Darcy's gaze. He helped the smaller man wedge a pillow under his hips before he let his legs fall open. 

"Beautiful." Darcy leaned forward and kissed a trail down his stomach as his fingers spread lube elsewhere. 

Esorn came undone sometime later as Darcy murmured his love against his chest. 

####

"We should get up." Esorn's stomach had growled several times already. 

"We should." Darcy agreed, despite snuggling closer to his boyfriend. "It just feels good to lay here with you. Like I'm in the safest spot in the quadrant."

"How can I make you feel safer?" Esorn rolled and wrapped Darcy tightly in his arms. 

"Keep being you. Help me come back from those dark places."

"Every time." The two shared a kiss before Esorn rolled away and stood. "I need food." He scratched his bare stomach. "What should we do for dinner?" 

"I'm not up for people." Darcy fought the urge to feel guilty for speaking up. 

"Ok." Esorn smiled. "Replicated sandwiches before a shower?" 

"Sounds good to me." Darcy tossed off the blankets and stood. "You get dinner. I'll get our clothes and turn the heat light on."

"Who said anything about clothes?" Esorn slapped Darcy's ass as he walked by. "Computer, raise room temperature by six degrees Celsius." He turned to wink at the door. "I like you naked. Easier access for later."  
“You better hope my roommates don’t come back tonight.” Darcy laughed. “I can’t keep hoping they’ll stay away forever.”  
“I know Zornak is still serving with the Orlando. I was in the security office when Commander Worf renewed his temporary transfer.”  
“I wonder if that means Ch’lepta will be gone, as well?”  
“Probably.” Esorn popped his head back into the room. “They had been temporarily assigned together.”

#####

The men had teased one another all through dinner, and a bout of love making that began on the couch ended in a sweaty heap on their bed. Esorn grinned as he looked down at his lover. 

"What's up, Cheshire Cat?"

"Cheshire Cat?" Esorn chuckled. "You and your Terran phrases. But what's up is just how happy I am." He kissed Darcy lazily. "You're handsome. Did you know that?"

Darcy smiled back, teasing. "Oh, no. I've been called cute, beautiful, sexy, adorable, but I think handsome is a new one, even for you."

"Liar." Esorn smacked Darcy's hip. "Come on. Let's go for a shower and set that serve bot to making the bed." 

"I'm not sure I can move." Darcy flopped listlessly from the elbow he had been leaning on. "Everything below the waist is done." 

Esorn roared with laughter before tickling his foot. "So you can't feel that, eh?" He held Darcy's feet down as he mercilessly attacked his most ticklish spots. 

"Mercy!" Darcy tried rolling away only to find himself trapped. "Please, let go." His voice took on a sense of urgency, and Esorn jumped back. 

"I'm sorry, are you alright?"

"I couldn't..." Darcy swallowed hard. 

"It's ok." Esorn leaned in and kissed him gently. "Are you alright now? Is there anything I can do?"

Darcy shook his head. "I'll be alright." He took a gasping breath, still working to calm himself from his sudden panic. He reached out and took Esorn's hand, silently offering forgiveness for something that needed no apology. Esorn waited quietly, unsure of what to say. Finally Darcy seemed to have settled back down. "Let's go shower, ok?"

"Do you want me in there, or do you want some time?"

"I want you with me. Just maybe don't press me up against any walls?" 

Esorn ran his hand down Darcy's face and nodded. "If there's any wall pushing, we'll make sure it's me."

Darcy laughed and pushed his chest. "You're insatiable." 

#####

The men were finally dressed and sitting on the couch watching a holovid. Esorn had his feet propped up on the table and Darcy leaned back against him with his legs up on the couch. 

The couple in the movie announced their expected child, to the congratulations of their friends and family. Darcy shifted uncomfortably.   
Esorn wrapped his arm around his lover, pulling him closer. 

"What?"

"I'm sorry that will never be us." Darcy looked off into the corner of the room as he spoke. 

"I wouldn't expect it to be." Esorn rolled his eyes and then realized his lover was serious. "We're two men, Love. I didn't begin dating you with the idea that we could one day have children."

"I know." Darcy leaned his head back against his lover's shoulder. 

"I didn't know that you were different, and now I don't care." Darcy pushed Esorn's arm away and began standing. "Whatever I said, I'm sorry."

"I know I'm different." Darcy's voice broke. "That's been shoved in my face my whole life. My mother..." he took a deep breath. "My mother used to say that one day I'd meet a guy and fall in love and we'd have beautiful children."

He turned to Esorn with narrowed eyes. "You know what hurts the worst in all of that?" Esorn shook his head. "She always made sure I was called a girl. Always. She wanted me to be her straight daughter, but here I am, her gay son, and she hates me!" He began pacing, and Esorn watched helplessly from his place on their couch. 

"I'm a guy. I know that. I love you." He tossed his hands up in frustration. "But there's this small voice that still whispers at me that I should be having children. That I should be giving this incredible gift of a baby to..." he paused, and Esorn stood. 

"First thing, if we decide we want to have children, we can adopt." He wrapped his arms carefully around Darcy. "Second, I am not disappointed or upset that we can't have a child like your mother always said we could." His eyes clouded over. "Your mother is a horrid woman to have placed that much pressure on you to have children." He turned his lover so that they faced one another. "I love you, as you are, with no expectations of children, and no disappointment if we never adopt." He tightened his arms a bit. "Is that enough?"

"Yes." Darcy leaned into his chest, his fingers tightening to grasp handfuls of Esorn's shirt. "Maybe one day..."

"Maybe one day we can talk about children, when we're to a place when we're ready." Esorn reached over and turned off the holovid. He scooped Darcy up in his arms and headed for the bedroom. "Come on. Let's talk until we sleep."

"About what?" 

"Anything." Esorn pulled the covers back before laying Darcy down. He pulled off the shorter man's slippers before walking around the bed and crawling into the other side. He spooned tightly against his man, his hand resting gently on Darcy's stomach. "Tell me more about that pool you swam in last week." Esorn kissed his neck as Darcy began speaking.

####

"Are you ready for this?" Esorn stood behind Darcy as he finished dressing. Several days had passed in which Darcy had decided each morning to not leave his quarters. Esorn worried about his lover pushing himself, but he also didn’t want to hold him back in any way. He guessed this was one of those downsides of love that he’d always heard of.

"I think so." Darcy carefully placed his pip into his collar. "I can't hide from everyone forever."

"No, but what if you take another day and we go for dinner tonight in Ten Forward? That way, we can leave if you feel you need to."

"You just want to protect me." Darcy turned and poked Esorn in the belly. 

"Guilty." The man smiled before growing serious. "It's just that some have asked questions, and I'd rather you didn't have to face people alone."

"If I didn't have you, I'd be alone."

"I know." Esorn stepped closer and Darcy melted into his embrace. "But you have me, and I want to protect you."

"You can't save me from everything, Esorn."

"I know, but let me try for today?" 

"Fine." Darcy shrugged. "I'm still technically on medical leave. I'll go to my appointment with Counselor Troi in my uniform, though."

"I can live with that." Esorn kissed his lover soundly. "I gotta go." He played with the hair that was beginning to creep over the edge of Darcy's uniform. "Meet me for lunch?"

"Sure." Darcy ran his hands down Esorn's chest, smirking when his boyfriend caught them. "Where?"

"Here." Esorn pulled Darcy's body tight against his. "Damn if I can't get enough of you." Another kiss and Darcy laughed as Esorn raced from their quarters, desperate to not be late.

####

Darcy meandered down the halls, taking his time getting to his appointment with Troi. He really didn't want to have to see her, and was afraid that she'd feel his residual distress and want him to take more time from work. 

He'd nearly worked himself into a panic as he made the last bit of his journey. He pressed the chime on her office wall to announce his arrival and tried to still his shaking hands before she answered. 

"Ensign Taversham." She smiled warmly at him and he tried to relax. She backed away from the door and motioned for him to come in. "Please, have a seat." He sat, but began rubbing his hands on his legs almost immediately, completely unaware that he was rocking back and forth. "Darcy?" She spoke quietly. When he didn't answer, she reached out and touched his forearm gently. 

"Darcy? Are you alright?"   
"No." He looked down at his hands in embarrassment. "I thought I was. I got ready to spend the day out. I was even going to say hi to Barclay in Engineering. But then I..." he trailed off. 

"You what?"

"I talked myself into a panic." Darcy stood and paced. "Literally. I talked myself into being nervous to come see you."

"I know." She nodded sympathetically. "I could sense you coming down the corridor."

"Shit. I'm sorry."

"You have no need to apologize." She smiled at him again. "How about we talk about the things you're worried about and see if we can't find some solutions?"

"I should be back at work." He fairly stomped back to his seat. "I shouldn't be this upset over someone being left behind. She wasn't even part of our crew!"

"No, but she was someone you felt a kinship with, wasn't she? Someone you identified with, and perhaps felt a need to protect?" She leveled her caring gaze at him. "Darcy, how much of what you're feeling is guilt for not helping her more or for not saving her?" 

Darcy slumped back in his seat. He didn't want to answer this question. He'd been over and over it in his head. He could list the ways he'd failed to help, warn, guard, protect... He let out a pained bark of laughter. "How much of what I'm feeling isn't because of how I failed?"

"Why do you feel you failed?" He stared off into space. "Darcy? Why do you feel as if you failed?" 

"Because if Esorn was the answer to everything, my gender, my sexuality, my self-worth as a man, I'd throw myself into loving him, no questions asked. I'd have nothing to lose." He ran his hands down his face. "But Esorn? If our situation was different? He'd not know how much danger I was in just by admitting I love him." He met her gaze with tortured eyes. 

"I should have talked to Commander Riker. I should have made sure he knew how much danger their relationship was putting her in." He stood and paced again. "I'm so angry that he didn't bother to find things out, and I'm angry that he didn't fight for her, and..." he threw up his hands in disgust. "I'm mad at myself for not talking to him."

"Alright." Deanna nodded. "I'm not sure I understand what you said about you and Esorn, and I want to be sure I do."

"Ok."

"You are not in any danger, right? Not like Soren was in?"

"No." Darcy shook his head. "I'm not. I meant what if I was in Soren's place? If I was in Soren's place, and Esorn was in Commander Riker’s, Esorn may not have known how much danger he was putting me in." His face crumpled. "But if our positions were different, and Esorn loved me, I'd hope he'd learn." 

"Do you feel that Commander Riker should have learned?"

"Yes." Darcy's voice was sullen. "I saw him back away a few times when he and Soren realized they were being watched. He knew enough to know she was in danger. He just didn't care enough to find out how much." 

Deanna Troi sat quietly for a few moments. "Darcy," she began tentatively, "do you feel you are able to serve with Commander Riker?"

Darcy sat for a few moments before standing and pacing. He walked to the door, unable to be contained with someone who already made him uncomfortable. "Maybe." Darcy stopped and shrugged inches from the sensor that would open the door. "When will I be acceptable collateral damage?" He swallowed hard and walked out of the door, not interested in waiting for her answer.


	12. Running Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE SECOND CHAPTER POSTED TODAY!! Please note that there are time jumps in these chapters. 
> 
> I don't even know how to describe this chapter... it got away from me. I apologize. These two were written in Google Keep over the course of a few weeks. I've gotten them together today.
> 
> Unexpected romance from a certain couple, a marriage proposal, and life going on in a much happier way.

Darcy left Deanna Troi, not caring to hear any thin excuses she could offer for the commander. Part of him wanted to go to his quarters and hide from everyone until Esorn was off duty, but another louder voice mocked his need for solitude. 

He finally snuck into Ten Forward and sat at the bar, hunched over silently. He jumped when a gentle hand landed on his shoulder. 

"Hey, kid, I don't mind you coming to visit, but I would like it if you weren't zoned completely out." Guinan eyed him critically. "Are you ok?"

"Not sure." Darcy shook his head and looked around. He saw Dr. Crusher sitting in the corner, laughing with another young man. He swallowed hard. 

"I guess it's good I came here instead of sickbay."

"Yes." Guinan smiled. "That's her son, Wesley. He's on leave and got here a day sooner than expected."

"Oh."

"Why don't you go say hi?"

"No, um..." Darcy looked over at the happy pair once more before shaking his head. "I'll see you later. I think I need to be alone."

"If that's what you really want?"

"I don't know." Darcy's voice shook as he slid from his seat to his feet. "I..."

"Just need to be away from people for a bit."

"Yeah." He hung his head and headed for the door. 

"Darcy!" Beverly's voice reached his ears. He paused before forcing himself to smile as he walked to her table. "Have a seat." She nodded to the chair across from her. "I'd like you to meet my son, Wesley."

"Hi." Darcy sat, yet his posture radiated tension. 

Wesley noticed his awkward posture and tried to break the ice. "I don't bite." 

Darcy shrank back and Beverly reprimanded her son. "*Wesley*" 

"Sorry, Mom. So, Darcy, Mom told me you joined her on a spa day?" Wes wrinkled his nose. "How could you stand sitting in that mud?" Wesley laughed. 

Beverly swatted her son. "The mud is beneficial for your skin. How else do I keep it baby soft?" 

Wesley coughed and it sounded a lot like he said "Sex with Captain Picard." Beverly shook her head and laughed, then saw Darcys uncomfortable look. 

"Darcy, are you alright?" 

"Uh...." Darcy rose. "I gotta...I gotta go...." he turned and sped out of the room, not hearing Beverly’s dinner invitation for him and Esorn. 

Wesley turned to his mother. "So that's your latest stray?"

"I hate it when you call them strays." She quirked an eyebrow at him. "And you act like there's been so many of them."

"Sorry, Mom." Wesley quieted for a moment. "Is he ok, though? He looked pretty upset."

"I don't know." Beverly shook her head. "Maybe Guinan knows. He was talking to her." She rose to speak to the older woman, and Wesley sat quietly. He wondered if perhaps he needed to meet Darcy on his own without his mother around to make sure Darcy knew he wasn't upset that his mom had added him to their family. 

"Wesley, I need to go check up on Darcy. I'll meet you in my quarters?"

"Sure, Mom."

####

Darcy startled at the sound of the door chime. 

"Enter." His posture screamed discomfort, and Beverly took a comedic, relaxed approach she knew would feel safer for him. 

"If I knew I was coming to hand-to-hand combat practice, I'd have worn the right equipment."

Darcy looked down at himself, taking in his stance and clenched fists. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Don't lie to me." Beverly gave him what Wesley called her "mom-detector" glare.

"Please don't be mad at Wesley. He was just joking. I'm sure of it." His words came out in a rush. 

"Why would I be mad..." Beverly looked genuinely confused for a moment, then her eyes widened in realization. "You've never seen children tease their parents, have you?" She leaned back a bit, taking a moment to curse Darcy's parents before speaking again. "You probably weren't allowed to tease your mother, and I doubt she ever chided you playfully, did she?"

Darcy shook his head. He wasn't sure what to think at this point. She had sounded so angry when she smacked Wesley's arm. 

Beverly studied the man in front of her and inwardly sighed. *What had this poor boy been put through by his family that there was never any teasing*. “Wesley’s father passed away when he was young, did you know that?” Darcy slowly nodded. He hadn’t known for sure, but he figured he must have. “Losing a parent like that....losing my partner like that....it drew Wesley and I closer. I’m his mother, but sometimes...we’re more like friends. So we tease each other, and that’s okay to do. Even if we hadn’t had to learn how to cope without his father together, we would still be like this. It’s what....” she trailed off and sighed, raking her fingers through her hair. 

“It’s what normal familes do?” Darcy supplied. 

Beverly nodded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t imply that your family wasn’t normal.” 

“It wasn’t.”

“Be that as it may, I shouldn’t have implied it and I’m sorry if we scared you away earlier.” Beverly smiled and patted Darcy’s shoulder. “You left so suddenly, I wasn’t sure if you heard me.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s alright. We’ll be eating at 1900 hours and I expect you and Esorn to be there."

"Uniforms or..."

"It's a family dinner, Darcy. Wear something comfortable. Wesley would like to get to know the two of you."

"Are you sure you want us at your family dinner?" Darcy's eyes bulged as he thought through the ramifications of her request...order...invitation. 

"Yes." She rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want you there."

Darcy relaxed a little. "Yes, Ma'am, we'll be there."

"Alright. I'm on my way, then. See you tonight."

####

Esorn and Darcy stood outside of Beverly Crusher's quarters, dressed in nice yet comfortable clothes. Esorn felt a bit odd, but trusted his boyfriend when the shorter man insisted that the invitation was for both of them.   
Darcy gave him a nervous smile before reaching out and pressing the chime. 

"Enter." They exchanged a quick, slightly panicked look as the Captain's rich baritone reached their ears. "Ah, good evening." Picard stood at the table with a bottle of wine in his hand. "Beverly will be right out, and Wesley was here a moment ago."

"I'm right here, Captain. Sorry." He held up a small device. "Mom wanted me to give this to Esorn. Something about a database he could use for some project."

"Thank you." Esorn took the device eagerly. "I've been working with Commander Worf to..." he looked around, embarrassed. "Sorry." He set the small electronic device down. "Family time."

"No, it's alright." Picard smiled. "I'm glad you're both making names for yourselves in your departments." He turned toward Wesley. "Now, young man, how about you fill me in on your time at the academy. Your mother told me you haven't given her many details."

Wesley rolled his eyes. "Not given her many details? Sir, if I give her much more detail, I may as well video record my days." 

Picard chuckled. "Your mother is used to hearing more about the little things in your day."

"There's not much to tell." The younger man shrugged, and Darcy wondered if they had come too early, when Wesley unexpectedly drew him into the conversation. "Darcy, did you write home? I mean, there's only so much you can tell."

"I didn't really message my parents, but I did send lots of messages to my chosen family."

"Chosen family?" Wesley's nose crinkled. 

"Yeah. People you're not related to, but you make a family. Like, I think you, the Captain, Councilor Troi, and everyone else is part of your chosen family. Like aunts and uncles, even if you don't call them that."

"They are." Wesley nodded. "Is that all you have? Friends like family?"

Darcy swallowed hard. He nodded, feeling as if he was suddenly back at his mother's house, listening to her lecture on how blood was thicker than water, no matter how bad the mistreatment became. 

"I'm sorry." Wesley spoke into the uncomfortable silence. "I didn't know how..."

"Messed up my family is?" Darcy shrugged. He felt as if he may as well continue. Esorn slipped his hand into his, and Darcy squeezed it gratefully. "It's not much of a secret."

"Well, Mom's adopted you, that's for sure." Wes grinned. "Come to the holodeck with me tomorrow. We can get to know each other better. I'd like to get to know my brother a bit while I'm here."

"Brother?" Darcy looked confused for a moment before he caught up with the younger man. "Oh!" He blushed. "I'd like that."

"Good." Picard nodded. "I had scheduled a time tomorrow for some relaxation. If there isn't an available slot, you can have mine." He took a sip of his wine. "I'll be content with a book."

"Whatever." Wesley looked to be sure his mother wasn't out of her room yet. "You know you'll end up here." He gave Picard an exaggerated wink. "Talking to Mom."

"Wesley Robert Crusher." Picard set his wine down and placed his hands on his hips. 

"Oh, come on." Wesley grinned. "Even Boothby calls you my father."

Picard shook his head. He looked over towards Darcy and Esorn. "Boothby is the gardener at the academy."

"I know him." Darcy grinned. He'd liked the crotchety old man. 

"Young Wesley here has apparently been seeking out confirmation in his theory that his mother and I belong together."

"I thought you were, Captain." Darcy shot Wesley a conspiratorial glance. "Dr. Crusher set me straight, but when I first met you at the concert, I thought..."

"See?" Wesley pointed to Darcy. "I'm not the only one who sees it!"

""Be that as it may, I...oh, to hell with it. Yes, I will be. Is that a problem?"

"Nope. Just waiting to be able to call you Dad"

"You're incorrigible." Picard looked between the two young men. "Both of you. Esorn, I commend your ability to remain silent during all of this."

"Absolutely, Sir." Esorn grinned. "I wouldn't risk your anger for anything... or your lady's."

Wesley crowed with laughter while Picard leaned against the counter comically. He put his hand on his head as if to say *what have I gotten into?*

"It sounds like I'm missing out on a good time. Anything to share?" Beverly walked into the kitchen and took in the three laughing young men and her exasperated friend. 

"Your sons," he looked pointedly at Wesley and Darcy, "have decided that it's fun to roast their Captain in regards to his personal life." 

"Boys." Beverly grinned. "Spill."

"I think it's best if we discuss this topic together later....alone." He eyed the boys, daring them to comment. Wesley took the bait, "Are you staying the night? Because I can go stay somewhere else for the night."

It was Beverly’s turn to flush red.

"Wesley!" Picard glared at the younger man, and glanced at Darcy, who was looking more uncomfortable by the second. "Now. Enough of this. Darcy, Wesley isn't in trouble, believe me. This is an old topic."

"Ok." Darcy nodded. 

"Yeah, I get in trouble like this all the time." Wesley smiled. "They bark but there's no bite."

"Changing the subject." Beverly clapped her hands. "Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes. Wesley, would you set the table?" 

"Sure, Mom." He tapped Darcy's shoulder. "Come on. I'll show you where everything is."

The three wandered over to the wall and Wesley touched a panel that opened, revealing heirloom dishes and cutlery. "Mom likes to use these for special occasions." He looked over to the kitchen and motioned with his head to the older couple. 

The three younger men grinned as they watched Picard, who had his arm wrapped around Beverly, press a kiss to her temple. He rubbed his hand down her back and let it rest at her waist a moment, his eyes crinkled into a smile. The two shared a quick kiss before he took the platter of replicated meat from her and headed to the table, seemingly unaware that they had been watched. 

Dinner progressed with no more upsets. Darcy and Wesley found common ground in many things, and Esorn wondered silently if this was how it was for his previous lovers when they came to his family dinners. He observed the Captain and CMO, and was surprised that they were so comfortable with one another. They were comfortable in public, but in this setting, he would not have believed they were not a long-married couple had he not already known their status. 

Some secret movement between them had him refilling her near-empty wine glass, while she handed him a second roll when he'd not asked for one. He hid his smile behind his own glass when he called her "my dear" as he rose to get the dessert she'd prepared. 

Darcy looked up in surprise when his communicator sounded. He tapped the button on his chest after a nod from Beverly. 

"Taversham."

"Barclay here. I couldn't remember if you were coming to poker tonight or not."

"That would be fun!" Wesley chimed in from his seat across from Darcy. "Hey, Barclay! Wesley Crusher. Would it be ok if Esorn and I come along, too?" 

"Sure." Darcy could imagine Barclay nodding, and he grinned.

"Cool. We'll be there in a half hour. Still finishing dinner."

"We'll see you then. Barclay out."

"Hope that's ok, Mom. I can stay if you want."

"No, go. You'll have fun." She smiled at the three young men. "But you need to come back for a night cap." She looked to Jean-Luc. "That includes you, Mister." 

Wesley wisely kept quiet, but didn't miss how the pair were heading towards the couch as the younger men left. He didn't miss the happy glow of his mother's face, nor how Picard's fingers traced a light circle low on her back as they walked. He stepped into the hall, and nearly ran into Darcy. 

"Are they always like that?" The older "brother" pointed towards the recently closed door. 

"Always." Wesley nodded. "I don't know why..." he stopped and grinned. "I have an idea for what to do tomorrow."

"Beyond telling the Captain that we need his slot?"

"Oh, that's definitely part of the plan, but I'll need your help."

Darcy looked over at Esorn who nodded. "We're in."

"Good. Because we gotta get them together. Boothby isn't the only one who thinks he's my father." Wesley smirked. "It's a common misconception in Starfleet, especially since they serve together now."

####

"I'm glad you joined us tonight." Beverly sat and tugged Picard's hand, bringing him to sit closer to her. "I wasn't sure you would."

"Having Darcy and Esorn was unusual." Picard sighed. "I very nearly didn't."

"Thank you." Beverly leaned towards him and he met her in a gentle kiss. "Wesley would have missed you."

"Just Wesley?"

"Definitely not." She smiled and picked at his collar. She switched positions, drawing her legs over his, sitting sideways across his lap. "I meant it when I said this was a family dinner."

"Of that, I have no doubt." Picard ran his hand up and down her thigh, pausing at the curve of her bottom and again at her knee. "They are very keen on getting to know one another. Wesley has already made it clear that he considers Darcy his brother."

"Good." She laid her head on his shoulder, running her hand down his chest until she came to a fold of cloth that she toyed with aimlessly. "What were the four of you talking about when I came in."

"Oh, um... nothing of consequence."

"Jean-Luc." Beverly pinched his stomach lightly, and he squirmed. 

"Your sons are under the impression that it's time we move our relationship forward. Apparently, young Wesley is quite amused by the idea of many people at the academy believing that I'm his father."

Beverly looked at her friend in stunned silence for a moment before she burst out laughing. "Did you know that Darcy asked me how long you and I have been married?" 

"He didn't."

"Oh, yes, he did." She kissed his cheek before resting her head on his shoulder again. "Don't worry, I told him we weren't together, just very good friends for many years."

Jean-Luc tried hard to ignore the stab of pain he felt at her declaration of their friendship. "Beverly?"

"Yes, Jean-Luc?"

"What if one of us decided it was time to discuss moving forward?"

Beverly sat up and looked at him, hoping that she kept the eagerness from her expression. "Do you want to talk about this?"

"Yes." He cleared his throat. "I only hope your response is a favorable one."

Beverly sat quietly for a moment before standing. Jean-Luc looked at her questioning, but she shook her head before resettling herself. Her knees bumped his hips, and he clasped his hands behind her buttocks, careful to not give into the urge to squeeze. 

"Does this answer your question?" She leaned forward and captured his lips in a heated kiss.   
The couple lost themselves in sensation. Jean-Luc's shirt hung open, and hers had been tugged from her pants. Jean-Luc's fingers traced light patterns on her back. She leaned back, and his tracing fingers found their way to her stomach. She shuddered, capturing his hand as he darted low on her body. 

"Jean-Luc." 

"Yes, my love?" He bit her neck before soothing the pain with his lips and tongue. 

"We shouldn't do this here." She panted her words as his fingers escaped and lifted her bra. "What if the boys come back early?"

"They're grown men."

Picard pushed at her gently, and she stood. He followed her moments later. One breath-stealing kiss followed another before she led him to her bedroom. 

 

####

Wesley, Darcy, and Esorn entered Beverly's quarters. The lights were still on, and dinner hadn't been cleared away. The trio exchanged a look, unsure if they should clean up or quietly go their ways. 

"Help me get this mess under control, then we'll go home. I hope she's ok. She's never left a mess like this before."

"Ah, my young brother, you have a lot to learn about love." Darcy slapped Wesley playfully on the shoulder. "Esorn and I will handle the dishes while you deal with the food." 

All went smoothly until Esorn fumbled a dish at the reclimator and it hit the wall with a loud thump. 

"Shit." The three exchanged guilty looked that turned to amusement when a crash was heard from Beverly's room followed by a muttered "merde".

Jean-Luc Picard stumbled from the bedroom and took in the cleaned kitchen and dining area. He hadn't bothered to put on his shirt, and the three young men grinned and tried not to laugh at the hickey he sported on his collarbone. 

"Not one word, boys." He mock-glared at them before ordering a glass of cold water. He headed back for the bedroom. 

"Sure thing... *Dad*." Picard stopped, yet didn't turn around. 

"I'd better not hear that from any of you in public. At least not yet." He grinned, but they couldn't see his smile. "Let me ask your mother to marry me first."

He walked into the bedroom and handed her the glass of water she'd requested. 

"The boys cleaned up dinner for you."

"Mm, that's nice." Beverly took a sip of water and paused. "Wait. Did you say the boys cleaned the kitchen?"

"Hm. Hm." He sat beside her and wrapped his arm around her waist. "I think what woke us up was the dropped dish Esorn was frantically trying to clean up."

"Oh, no." She buried her face in his shoulder, laughter shaking her body as he took the glass from her before it spilled. "What did they say when you went out like this? Jean-Luc, you're only half dressed!"

"Relax, love. Wesley called me Dad, and I told them that none of them could call me that in public, at least not until I'd asked their mother to marry me." 

"Oh, my God. You didn't." 

"I did." 

Beverly wasn't sure how she felt. She loved the man sitting next to her, but was mortified that they had been caught by her son and... well, her *other* son and his boyfriend. She'd meant to make Darcy feel more comfortable and accepted, yet she realized that by inviting him to a family-only dinner, that she had indeed staked a claim in his life. She was mom, whether that had been her original intent or not. 

"Hey." Picard hugged her tightly. "What's wrong? You're so tense."

"Jean-Luc..." she started, stopped, took a deep breath, and then hurriedly spoke, almost as if she was afraid the words would escape if she didn't let them go. "Is Wesley really accepting of Darcy, or is he going along with this just to make me happy? How will Darcy feel if he realizes Wesley rejected him if that happens? Jean-Luc, have I made things worse for Darcy?" She paused and her hand flew to her mouth. "They caught us." She started to laugh. "My son, who has been begging for us to have a relationship for years caught us, and you..." she punched his shoulder lightly, "You mentioned marriage!

"Jean-Luc, we just decided to have a relationship, and... marriage?" She looked at him incredulously. "I can't believe you said that to them." She backed away a little bit. "Did you really tell them they could call you Dad, just not in public?"

"I did. Was that...wrong?" Beverly rolled her eyes. Sometimes, Jean-Luc could be clueless. 

"Not wrong. Just....sudden." Jean-Luc pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

"Hold that thought for a minute, love?" Jean-Luc raised his voice slightly, "Wes, could you come in here?" Beverly raised her eyebrows and went to shift away, but Jean-Luc held her tightly. "No. Stay here...please?" 

Out in the dining area, Darcy raised an eyebrow. "Should we leave?" He shifted uncomfortably. 

"Nah. Mom probably wants to tell me off in private. I'll be right back." He opened the door and smothered his smile at seeing his mother in the Captain's arms. They really did belong together. "You wanted to see me?"

"Your mother and I would like to have a family discussion. Would you mind if Darcy and Esorn stayed?"

"Why would I mind?" Wesley looked at Picard in confusion. "They're part of this family now, aren't they? I mean, this is a family dinner, and it's sort of a weird teenage rite of passage to catch your parents. Don't tell me I did that with strangers." 

"Wesley." Jean-Luc snapped out the young man's name, and Beverly bit out a laugh. 

"You really don't mind?"

"Why would I mind?" Wesley came to sit on the edge of the bed. "Mom, do you remember me pestering you for a brother or sister?"

"Yes." 

"Well, I figure I've got one. Darcy's pretty cool, and it's a bonus that he's got a boyfriend who loves both of you and is becoming a good friend." He smiled at the pair. "He's pretty good at dealing with Barclay, too."

"What happened with Barclay?" Beverly waved her hand. "You know what, never mind. I don't want to know." 

"Mom, why are you so upset about this?"

"He's already mentioned marriage and told the three of you you could call him Dad in private. Doesn't that seem sudden to you?"

"Mom, he was joking." Wesley rolled his eyes. "We were giving him a hard time about it before dinner. That's what we were laughing about. Then I called him Dad, and Mom, you should have seem him. He stopped cold, his shoulders hunched up, and he was pretty clear that we can't call him that until you two ar least discuss marriage." Beverly opened her mouth to remind her son that Jean-Luc had already opened that can of worms. "Seriously, Mom. Discussing it seriously. I don't think you're there yet." 

"No, we're not." 

"Mom, relax." Wesley reached out and patted her leg. "No one is expecting you to get married. It's not like this is one of his Dixon Hill novels and sex is some sort of contract." 

"I don't know whether to be relieved or disturbed that I'm having this conversation with my son." 

"Probably relieved." Wesley grinned. "I'm going back out with Darcy and Esorn. They're probably wondering how bad my chewing out is." He paused at the door. "And Mom? I suggest getting dressed before you come out. That sheet only hides so much."

"Wesley Robert Crusher!" 

Wesley was laughing as he joined his brothers. "Mom and Dad will be out soon to have a drink with us." He winked. "But we're not allowed to call Dad dad, even in private. At least not yet."

The three men laughed and went about preparing for a nightcap. Esorn replicated a cheese and crackers platter, Darcy grabbed 5 glasses, and Wesley pulled some of the bourbon his mother kept for special occasions from the back of her small storage area. 

The bedroom door finally opened and Beverly emerged, wrapped in her robe. She was running her fingers through her hair, and Wesley elbowed Darcy. "It's messier than before." Darcy smirked.

"Nice hair, Mom." Darcy grinned as he spoke, and Wesley elbowed him. The boys play scuffled for several minutes before Beverley looked over to Jean-Luc. 

"You're the one who said they could call you Dad," she deadpanned. "Handle it. I'm having a drink."

Picard sputtered, laughing before he shook his head. "Oh, no, my love, you made it clear that it's too early for that. My hands are clean."

"Oooh!" Three young men moved together playfully, pretending to cower from the older couple. Wesley stage whispered, "just watch, Mom's gonna lose it any second. Picard on a platter in 5...4...3..."

"Wesley, I'm going to put YOU on a platter. Carry this bottle to the living room. I swear, you're suddenly all 12 again." She tugged Jean-Luc closer by his shirt. "Including you." 

"Oh no, my love, I was much worse when I was twelve." Beverly swatted him before stalking away with a grin.

The five sat around talking and getting to know one another better. Wesley and Darcy went off on several engineering tangents and needed to be pulled away from discussing work and ships functions several times. 

"Oh!" Darcy sat up straight after one such tangent. "Wes, this could be the fix Barclay and Geordi have needed for that one coil that keeps malfunctioning!" 

"Yeah! If they..."

"Boys!" Beverly laughed. "Why don't you just go talk to Barclay and see what he thinks? The rest of us are lost."

"Sorry, Mom." Wesley grinned, completely unrepentant. "C'mon, Darce." 

The men stood, and Esorn looked up at his boyfriend. "I'll see you at home, then?" 

Darcy leaned down and kissed Esorn. "Yeah. Hopefully we won't be long." 

Esorn began to stand, but Beverly patted his leg. "Stay. This will give me a chance to get to know my new son's boyfriend better." She quirked an eyebrow at him. "What are your intentions toward my boy?" 

Darcy heard her as he was leaving and began laughing. "Have fun, Babe!"

The door closed and Esorn smiled nervously and looked back and forth between his superior officers...his boyfriend's unexpected new family. 

"I..." he shifted position and pulled a small box from his pocket. "I don't know how to ask him." He ran his fingers through his hair before opening the box and passing it to Beverly. "I read up on Terran customs, and I found a lot of information on rings, but I couldn't find how I'm supposed to offer it to him." 

"Esorn, this is beautiful." 

"Thanks. Is this a ring for a woman? Are there different rings? It's so confusing. This is the one I think he'd like the best, but I don't want to give him the wrong ring and insult him, either."

"You won't insult him." Beverly took the ring out of the box and turned it over in her hand. "He'll love it." She put the ring back after showing it to Jean-Luc. "There are so many types of engagement rings, and the person proposing chooses what ring he or she believes fits their lover the best."

Esorn let out a relieved sigh. "Good." He blushed. "Captain, how does one propose? Have you ever done it?" 

"I haven't, at least not seriously." Picard shook his head. "But proposals go something like this." He got to one knee before Beverley and held her hands in his. 

"You know I love you. I've loved you for years." Beverly nodded, her eyes growing wide as he licked his lips. "Will you marry me?" 

"Yes." Beverly's eyes closed for a moment and she felt him tugging her hand. She looked at him and smiled. "Yes." Jean-Luc grinned.

He kissed her knuckles before rising from his knee and leaning over her. He plundered her mouth, his fingers twining with hers as she grasped his shirt. 

When he ended the kiss and backed away, Esorn rose from his seat. He hadn't wanted to disturb the couple before. 

"Goodnight." He blushed and headed for the door. He could hear a quiet conversation beginning behind him as the doors closed.

He leaned against the wall for a moment before smiling and walking down the path. He knew how he wanted to propose.

Inside the Crusher quarters, the quiet conversation continued. "It was good of you to give Esorn an example of a proposal." Beverly leaned against Jean-Luc, toying with his fingers. "I always thought my first child-in-law would be a daughter, not a son." She chuckled. "But I'm so happy for them."

"Beverly." His voice rumbled quietly in her ears. She looked up at him, and her breath caught. His eyes held an intensity she hadn't expected, and she held her breath as he knelt once more. "I wasn't just giving him an example." He smiled softly. "I have loved you for years." He cleared his throat. "Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" 

Beverly stared at him incredulously. "You're serious, aren't you?" 

"I am. Beverly, will you marry me?" Beverly wiped her palms on her leg and nervously laughed. 

"Guess the sex was *that* good." 

He cracked a grin. "Something like that. Will you answer me?" 

"Yes." 

"Was that 'yes you'll give me an answer' or 'yes you'll marry me'?" Beverly swatted him.

"Yes." She gripped his shoulders and tugged him forward. "Yes. I'll give you an answer, and yes, I will marry you." 

"Hm." Jean-Luc pressed his lips to hers. He smiled, and she pulled back, yet wrapped her legs around his torso. 

"What?" 

"Just thinking of how nice it would have been to have those two around to egg Wesley on when he was eight and begging me to marry you." He leaned in and kissed her thoroughly. "Maybe we'd have not wasted all these years."

"Stop being moody and make love to your fiancée."

Beverly and Jean-Luc were a naked tangle of limbs dozing lightly on the sofa when the door slid open. "Woah. File that under ways you never want to see your parents." Wesley grinned as Jean-Luc turned a glare on the younger man, but didn't move from his position. He was on top of Beverly, shielding her from her son. 

"I thought you asked for your own quarters this trip?" 

Wesley grinned. "I told you I'd come back." 

"Hmm." Jean-Luc turned and pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa and covered Beverly before rising off her and reaching for his shorts. 

"Didn't want to see *that* either." He scrunched his eyes shut. "Nope. Scarred for life now. Thanks *Dad*." 

"Better get used to calling me that, son." 

"Why?" Beverly wrapped the blanket under her armpits and stood up to join them. 

"Jean-Luc asked me to marry him." 

"*Finally!*

"*Wesley!*" he sheepishly grinned. 

"Sorry. But you know I've been wanting you to marry Mom since I was a kid....Mom, you said yes, right?" 

"Of course I did. Now, I'm going to bed, and Jean-Luc is coming with me. So unless you want to *hear*...." 

Wesley clapped his hands over his ears. "I'm going. See you in the morning." 

"Breakfast. 0800. And not a word to anyone young man."

"Not even my brother?" Wesley grinned. 

"Don't you dare disturb them tonight." Beverly gave her son a pointed look. "Esorn plans to propose."

"Really?" Wesley grinned. "How do you know?"

"How do you think we got discussing marriage?" Beverly's hand snaked down Jean-Luc's arm to grasp his hand. "He had questions on how to propose."

"Wow." Wesley's eyes widened. "If that's all it took to set you two straight, it's too bad they weren't around when I was a kid! I'd have had a big brother growing up and you'd have married Dad ages ago."

Beverly shook her head. "Like father like son. Goodnight, Wesley."  
"I'm glad you're home." Esorn stood and crossed the room, drawing his boyfriend into a tight hug. He kissed the shorter man, smiling when exploring hands untucked his shirt. "Don't get too far ahead of me here." He captured Darcy's hands. 

"What do you have in mind?"

"Two options." Esorn grinned. "Guinan has given us her time slot in the Holodeck tonight, or we can stay in."

"If we go to the holodeck, what would we do?" 

"Whatever you want." 

"Hm." Darcy leaned forward and licked at Esorn's neck, nipping his Adam's apple. "What brings this on?"

"I wanted to do something special, and Guinan agrees that it's a good idea." Esorn hoped Darcy couldn't feel his nervous shaking. 

"Let's go swimming." Darcy stepped back from his lover's embrace. "You'll love the pool the ladies introduced me to the other day."

"Yeah?" Esorn followed Darcy from their quarters. He stuck his hand in his pocket and felt the small square box hidden within. He sent a silent prayer to his ancestors, asking them to help him get this right.

They reached the holodeck and Darcy selected the program and led his lover inside. They showered and changed into swimsuits, teasing each other with stolen glances and occasional touches. 

"We can't lock this." Esorn grinned as he pressed himself firmly against Darcy. "I wonder if anyone ever walks in on anyone else?"

"Probably, but we're not going to be *that* couple." Darcy grinned and pushed Esorn backwards with his ass. "Come on. Let's get in."

The men sat next to one another, each on one of the seats that created the sides of the tub.

"It's chilly." Esorn had goosebumps on his shoulders where they stuck out of the water. 

"I'm sorry." Darcy grimaced from his seat where he sat, covered nearly to his chin. "Computer, adjust my seat four inches higher, and increase the water level by the same height."

Moments later, Darcy grinned at his boyfriend. "Better?" Esorn was covered to his neck. 

"Most definitely." He leaned back and closed his eyes. "This is what you and the ladies did last week?" 

"Yeah." Darcy reached out and rubbed Esorn's arm. "We also got massages."

"I think I may want to give you one of those later." Esorn turned to his lover, his expression alone enough to make Darcy blush. 

"I'd like that." The two fell silent.

Esorn splashed Darcy gently with the heavily scented water that covered their bodies. 

"What are you thinking about?"

"An old fairytale." Darcy blushed as he shrugged.

"Fairytale?"

"A story told to children that involves fairies, goblins, or other magical creatures."

Esorn grinned at his boyfriend. "Tell me."

"What?" Darcy laughed, shaking his head. "It's silly."

"I want to hear this silly story of yours." Esorn reached out and tugged the smaller man to his chest. They shared a kiss before Darcy turned and settled in Esorn's lap. He sighed in contentment as Esorn wrapped his arms around him and rested his head on Darcy's shoulder. "What made you think of this story?"

"It's a love letter from a man to the man he loved." Darcy was quiet for a moment. "Hans Christian Anderson loved his best friend, but his friend was disgusted and disappointed. So Hans wrote a story about a love that could never work."

"That's so sad." Esorn nibbled his loves neck. 

"But the story is beautiful."

"Tell me." Esorn hugged Darcy to him again before settling back to listen to his tale.

"I don't remember exactly how it goes, so this is the Darcy version, alright? Once upon a time, miles below the surface of the ocean, there lived a little mermaid who was fascinated by every shipwreck she saw..."

Esorn listened to the tale of a young mermaid who fell in love with a human. His heart sank when Darcy came to the end, leaving the mermaid to the terrible choice of killing the prince or of remaining a human forever. He drew a deep breath and nearly shuddered as Darcy described the young woman throwing the last "gift" from the sea witch into the water and following it herself moments later. 

Esorn sat in stunned silence as the mermaid dissolved into sea foam. Darcy added that another sentence had been added to allow the mermaid to become an air Spirit, but that it didn't fit with the rest of the story. 

"That's terrible." He paused. "Why does that remind you of us?" 

"Because we have such different backgrounds." Darcy turned in Esorn's arms and straddled his lap. "There's another version, and it ends much happier." Darcy smiled and leaned forward, kissing his lover. 

"The first part is all the same, but the sea witch isn't able to hide her true self, and the prince doesn't marry her." He twined his fingers in Esorn's hair. "He marries the mermaid. The curse is broken, and she becomes a human for real." Darcy shifted slightly, and Esorn tugged his hips closer to his own. 

"What next?"

"Anything you want to believe." Darcy's eyes crinkled into a smile. "What do you believe happened to them?" 

"Hm." Esorn leaned forward, his lips next to Darcy's ear. "They got married. Maybe had children." 

"Yes." Darcy nodded and could feel his heart speed up. He loved when his lover's voice was low and husky, as it was now. "Then what?"

"What would you like?" Esorn leaned back against the edge of the pool and rested his hands on Darcy's hips. "You. Not for the story, but for us?"

Darcy licked his lips. "More days like this." He smiled and nipped at Esorn's neck just above where the water lapped as he moved. "What would you like?" 

"Definitely more days like this." Esorn's hands wandered from where they had rested on Darcy's hips. He gently tweaked one of Darcy's pebbling nipples. "I like living with you. Going to sleep together, waking up and starting our day together." Esorn bit Darcy's ear. "I like the second version of that story better." Esorn smiled. "You're right that we sound like it."

"Yeah?" Darcy cocked his head. "Tell me how you see it."

"You saw me before I saw you." Esorn rubbed his thumbs on Darcy's hips. "Then you watched me, and the only reason I knew was when Ch'tsong pointed you out."

"You never told me that." 

"Didn't I?" Esorn ran his finger down Darcy's cheek. "I thought at first that you were with Barclay." Darcy's eyes bugged out. "I was so glad when Ch'tsong pointed you out later."

"What was I doing?"

"You may as well have been at the table by yourself. Barclay was talking with another engineer, I don't know who, but you were paying them no attention." He leaned forward and captured Darcy's lips in a heated kiss. "You were looking at me, and Ch'tsong told me to be careful, but to check you out."

"Did you?"

"What do you think?" Darcy leaned forward and nipped playfully at Esorn's lower lip. Esorn pulled Darcy against him. "I'm glad I did." He moved his hands to Darcy's shoulders and then stroked down his sides. "I wish you didn't have to bind every day. I know it hurts you."

"I was loosely bound that night because my chest hurt."

"I wondered." Esorn sighed and resettled himself. "Maybe one day you'll feel comfortable enough to not bind at all."

"Maybe." Darcy shrugged. He toyed with Esorn's fingers at his waist for a moment. "So. When you so secretly checked me out, what did you think?"

"There's my future."

"No." Darcy squinted his eyes, then rocked against his boyfriend. "Really. What did you think?"

Esorn rolled his eyes, but playfully readjusted Darcy in his lap, bringing them closer than they had been before. Darcy wiggled and Esorn trapped him with his arms. "Stop that. I'm trying to be serious here."

"Alright." Darcy lay forward, resting his head against Esorn's shoulder. He hummed in pleasure as Esorn stroked his back lightly. 

"What I thought was that I'd just seen the most beautiful man I've ever seen." Darcy scoffed. "I'm serious. You're almost too pretty to be a man, yet you're unmistakably a guy. I like it." Esorn nipped at his neck. "Then, when I approached you that first time and we talked for hours, I knew I'd been right." He pushed Darcy gently so the other man would sit up instead of leaning on him. "I still know I was right."

"Even after," Darcy swallowed hard, "everything?"

"You make it sound like there's been so much to handle."

"This whole last month." Darcy felt like Esorn wasn't understanding how serious all of his issues were or how deeply they ran.

"We'll handle them, just like we handled this week, Babe. But we'll do better the longer we're together. I'll know how to help you, and you'll know you can ask for what you need."

"You make it sound so simple."

"It can be." Esorn met Darcy's gaze. "It can be. I hope it is, every day, for better or worse, for the rest of our lives." Esorn repeated the words Guinan had told him, hoping his seated position wouldn't negate his words. He felt his heart race, and wondered if he should have studied more Terran rituals before asking Darcy this question. 

"What?" Darcy bit his lip, almost afraid to ask if he'd heard right.

"I want to spend every day, for the rest of our lives, for better or worse, with you." He swallowed hard, hoping he wasn't asking too soon. "Will you marry me? I know our cultures are different, and I know..." he never finished. 

Darcy caught his mouth in a fierce kiss. 

"Yes." The simple word sat between them for a moment. Esorn smiled and patted Darcy's hip. 

"Come on. I need to get up for a second.

"Already?" Darcy rolled his eyes. 

"Yes." Esorn climbed from the pool and pulled the ring from his pocket. "Please come here." Darcy approached, and Esorn sank to one knee. "I know I already asked, but..." he smiled sheepishly and opened the box. "I want to ask you properly in case I didn't get it right before."

"You got it perfectly." Darcy pulled the ring from the box and handed it to Esorn. "It goes on this finger." Darcy smiled at Esorn's confused look. "Part of the ritual is that you put it on my ring finger." 

Esorn carefully slid the ring onto Darcy's finger. "Perfect." Darcy smiled as he shoved Esorn's clothes at him. "Get dressed."

"Where are we going?" Esorn grinned as Darcy pulled his swimsuit down, drying himself quickly. 

"Home." He reached out and ran his towel down his financés chest. "Hurry up."

Darcy grinned as he finished drying himself and reached for his discarded clothing. He watched as Esorn dried himself, laughing as the other man grumbled that he should have waited until they got home to propose. 

####

They decided to go to Ten Forward for dinner. Darcy smiled as he looked down at his ring. 

"I want to show it to Guinan." He tugged Esorn's head down for a kiss. "She's probably waiting to see if we're engaged."

"I'm sure." Esorn grinned and pulled Darcy into his arms. He laced his fingers behind the shorter man's lower back. "Your mom will want to see us tomorrow, too."

Darcy blanched. "My mom? She's here?"

"Not her." Esorn scowled. "Mom. You left me to be interrogated by her and her lover?"

"That Mom!" Darcy grinned. "Did you tell her what you had planned?"

"Yes." Esorn paused a moment. "I asked how to propose, and he..." The taller man blushed. "Well, I think maybe they'll have news for us tomorrow, too."

"Are we meeting them for breakfast?" 

"I don't know." Esorn shrugged. "Mom mentioned it during dinner. I'm assuming we're invited." 

"Probably." Darcy chuckled and pulled away, grabbing Esorn's hand as they continued on their way. "I'll call Wes later and ask." 

The doors to Ten Forward opened and Wesley sat at the bar talking with William Riker, of all people. Guinan nodded to the seated pair and walked around her bar. 

She held out her hands with a large smile on her face. 

"Well, let me see!" She complimented the ring before asking Darcy to give her all of the juicy details, as if Esorn wasn't standing right next to them.

Darcy launched into the tale of their swim, including the story he told, followed closely by a vivid explanation of how Esorn proposed and Darcy's gratitude that he took the time to learn Terran customs. 

Wesley had joined them and teased the tall Bajoran about being a hopeless romantic. Esorn tried to hide his pleased smile behind grouchiness, but Wesley only laughed and asked if they had any idea of when they wanted to get married. 

"I wanted to talk to Mom first." Darcy blushed and lowered his gaze for a moment. "I hope she's willing to help me plan it. Guinan, would you be willing..."

"If you even hint at having the wedding and reception anywhere but here..." she paused and smiled. "I'd better at least be invited."

"Of course!" Darcy grasped her hand. "You're..." he swallowed hard. "Family." 

"Then as family, I gladly accept an invitation." She patted his hand before turning to Wesley. "Where did Commander Riker disappear to?"

"I don't know." Wesley shrugged. "He just left. It was kind of weird."

"Never put anything past Commander Riker." Barclay nodded sagely, as if he knew something. 

"Right." Geordi walked up behind the small group. "Congratulations, Darcy, Esorn." He smiled brightly. "That's quite a ring."

"Thank you." Darcy grinned and once again answered the questions he was peppered with regarding the proposal. Esorn tried to downplay any romance Darcy added, which only made the other men ask for more. It became a jovial game, a fun teasing of the couple.

"This calls for some champagne." Guinan clapped her hands and headed to her storage room. Wesley followed under the guise of helping her carry everything.

"You should save one of those back." He whispered while they were in the room. She winked at him and pointed to a closed crate. 

"Already done." She lowered her browless forehead. "He asked her?"

"I'm not supposed to say." He pretended to zip his lips. "Darcy and Esorn don't know yet." 

"The younger son is the first to know?"

"Only because I went back to say goodnight to Mom. Saw more than I wanted."

"Hm." Guinan stood back on her heels a bit. "I think I should make sure I've got plenty of synthehol on hand for their reception."

"What?"

"Nothing." Guinan gave him one of her enigmatic smiles. "Just you and your brother feel free to tease them about children at their age. They'll deserve it."

"What?" Wesley crinkled his nose and forehead before realization dawned and he looked aghast. "Eww! Guinan!"

####

The celebration in Ten Forward lasted until Guinan called for the last call of the evening. Wesley passed the message to his slightly inebriated brothers that breakfast was at 0800. 

"We'll be there." Esorn waved to Guinan as he walked toward the door with Darcy following close behind. 

"Night, Lovely!" Darcy blew Guinan a sloppy kiss, and the woman laughed as she pretended to catch it. 

"What for their future?" Wesley looked over to his friend. 

"They will live long, happy lives."

"Any children?"

"Perhaps." Guinan tilted her head and smiled. "I think perhaps."


End file.
